Cracked's Holiday Gift Guide For Your Family And Loved Ones!
It's that time of year again! The smell of cinnamon in the air, the graceful fall of snow, and society's contractual holiday obligations bearing down on you like a 500 pound reindeer. To help you out, we at Cracked have put together an Amazon holiday gift guide, so you don't lose the love of your children and family. No pressure.
For Your Kids
Back in my day, Etch-A-Sketches were a way to teach children about the limitations society places upon their creativity. "Draw anything you want," they offered tauntingly, "As long as you can do it with two unintuitive knobs! One controls the x-axis and the other controls the y-axis, why, is that too difficult for your slowly developing spatial awareness to cope with? Oops, did you make a mistake? That's okay, you can erase the whole thing and start again!"
With this "freestyle" Etch-A-Sketch, children are taught they can draw whatever the hell they want, not just in black and white, but in a rainbow of noncompliance. I'm sorry, since when did we decide to raise our children to be damn commie anarchists?? This toy absolutely fails to teach them to compromise their creative integrity in order to integrate with society. But if you want to ruin your child's chance at becoming a successful strip mall architect, be my guest.
I don't care what that bully told me while submerging my head in toilet water. Spirographs are cool. The ability to produce perfect geometrical patterns with my own two hands made me feel like an entity that had transcended human imperfection. That same feeling of lofty superiority can belong to your children as well! They'll spend all their time staring at a piece of graph paper as their hand moves in flawless ellipses. "No mother, I do not desire SpaghettiOs" your child will say when prompted, voice devoid of human emotion. "SpaghettiOs hold no meaning to the God of perfection."
Have you heard of the "Euthanasia Coaster?" It was a conceptual piece by an art PhD that detailed the design of a roller coaster that ended in the rider's death, but not before feelings of "euphoria." The idea is to allow the riders one last thrill before death, which comes after cerebral hypoxia brought on by the massive amount of g-force. It was merely an art piece never meant to be put into practice, but that doesn't mean there's no hope for the future. Teach your own children to become Euthanasia Coaster designers with this K'NEX roller coaster building set! Your child's creativity and sense of whimsy finally have real life applications: the design and construction of a roller coaster that executes people. Your child won't even need an expensive engineering degree, as their "totally rad" designs will invariably result in a roller coaster that kills every single one of its riders. Please submit completed deigns to the U.S Justice Department for review.
For Your Baby
Did you meet the love of your life on a Harry Potter fandom forum? Did this unholy union bring about a child? Then the adorable "Snuggle This Muggle" onesie is the perfect gift for your baby! The best part of the outfit is that it is for children too young to read, and thus, they will be blissfully unaware that their clothing brands them as the child of dweebs. Ah, the innocence of youth!
Here's the problem with babies: they're not hirsute enough. Fix your baby with this "Black Mustachifier" mustache pacifier. No longer will you spend long hours of the day staring ruefully at your baby's smooth, unforested face. "My baby's face is so smooth. It disgusts me," you've tried to explain to doctors, who were of no help. But finally, the blessed manufacturers of this product have heard your plaintive cries and thought to put a mustache on a pacifier. Now your baby will be both silent and mustachioed, removing the two most annoying features of a baby: their volume and hairlessness.
For Your Dad
Is he your hero? Make your dad feel like one with this "Magnetic Wristband" that can hold screws, nails, and other small chunks of metal. Your mild-mannered father will suddenly be transformed into a superhuman with the power to control metal. You will begin to notice changes in your father's demeanor, subtle at first. He'll start muttering things such as, "If only they knew my true power," and, "They'll see... they'll all see." He might start to come up with cute nicknames for himself, such as Magnetron, or Lord of Screws. "I'm scared," you will cry in terror, as your father levitates, with nails swarming nearby that are ready to do his bidding. "HI SCARED," he will reply. "I'M DAD."
For Your Mom
After a long day of dealing with your maniacal super-powered father, your mother deserves a well-earned break. How about a soothing cup of tea with this cat-shaped tea mug with a fishy infuser! Or maybe this soothing neck wrap? Not soothing enough? Alright, time to bring out the big guns with the ultimate in relaxation: the beer bandolier.
This tactical beer holder will allow your mother to deal with the stress of the holidays with a cold one always within reach. And if beer's too watered down for your mother's tastes, there's always the discrete and functional sunscreen-shaped flask.
"Wow, you sure are diligent about UV exposure!" her friends will comment, none the wiser. "Yeah, I've got about 100-proof... err, that is, 100 SPF in here... hic."
For Your Sibling
Remember that time I blew a huge gum bubble and it popped on your hair and it ruined picture day for you so you gave me a purple nurple and mom grounded us both for a week? Well, here's a cool comb!
Remember that time we were playing on a tire swing and I pushed you so hard the rope broke and you tumbled down the hill stuck in the tire and by the time I reached you I was laughing so hard snot came out my nose and you were so dizzy you threw up all over my shoes? Well, here's a tire swing bird feeder.
Remember that time I was five and you were three and I told you to try sticking your hand in a mousetrap, and you did? Well, here's a cutting board. Don't lose another finger!
For Your Significant Other
What spells "I love you" better than a pillow shaped like a... uhm... peach. This plush... peach comes in two sizes. You know this is a great gift as soon as you look at the customer questions: "These customer reviews are throwing me off, this is just a pillow? Right?" "Is this too inappropriate to put in my child's room?" With a nearly five-star rating, the consensus is clear: the best part about this pillow is how unequivocally peach-shaped it is. That is, until one reviewer had to ruin things with a five-star review saying, "I'm not going to lie, I bought this because it looks like a butt." Goddamnit Angela.
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