Why More Celebrities Should Use Chris Pratt's Apology Method
Who doesn't love Chris Pratt? That is one charming man. He's been everything from a lovable doughy goof on Parks And Rec to a lovable in-shape goof in Guardians Of The Galaxy to a lovable pseudo-rapist in Passengers. Wait, forget that one. But hey, Jurassic World! Hat trick!
Chris Pratt is everywhere these days, so it's no surprise that he's out giving interviews, and therefore also no surprise that he's occasionally putting his foot in his mouth, as celebrities are wont to do. But unlike your more villainous douche-oriented celebs, Pratt has learned the secret of the apology.
Not so long ago as the crow flies, Chris Pratt lamented how Hollywood doesn't make any damn movie about blue-collar workers. The entirety of people with the ability to see and understand movies were quick to point out that Hollywood produces a literal assload of movies about blue-collar workers all the damn time. Faced with this new info, Pratt did something no one could have predicted: He apologized.
The Universe shat a collective kitten. Here was a man who said a dumb thing, then said he was sorry for saying the dumb thing. Virtual parades were thrown in his honor, as according to scholars, this may have literally been the first time this ever happened. There was no mansplaining, no excuses, no finger-pointing or name-calling or arson to cover up the mistake before changing his name and becoming an online comedy writer (which is the perfect cover for an arsonist in hiding). It was just a blunt, short, sincere apology.
This week, Pratt took to Instagram and made a post in which he asked fans to turn up the volume (since Instagram defaults to mute) instead of reading the subtitles. Did you just shit another kitten? We are up to two kittens now, because that statement was deemed, on some level, offensive to the hard of hearing. Were any hard of hearing fans actually offended? Doesn't even matter, bro, because Pratt was quick to apologize again. In sign language. For the hard of hearing! We got a trio of kittens up in this bitch!
You may need to invest in catnip and adorable handmade felt mice from Etsy, because the kittens are going to be coming fast and furious now. Pratt has found his niche, and the apologies for minor infractions are sure to keep on coming. After all, what about those of us who didn't feel like he needed to apologize in the first place? We're going to need an apology for that. And what about visually impaired fans who couldn't see his apology for the hard of hearing? Another apology, if you please.
At this point he's going to be four apologies deep, and that's pretty annoying, so we're going to need an apology for all these damn apologies. And naturally, that will require apologizing for people offended by the paradox of apologizing for apologies, because no one likes that shit. And at this point, someone will need to apologize for all the kitten shit we're going to be ankle-deep in. That's on you, Pratt.
"I'm sorry for not buying litter boxes," Pratt meows in a future Facebook video.
Pratt will need to apologize for not remembering to include enough people in that first apology, and probably also apologize for including too many in that last one. He definitely needs to apologize to me for making me write this, and to you for having to read the damn thing. And then again to the visually impaired who couldn't read it. Plus dog people for ignoring them in favor of kittens.
Will Pratt ever stop apologizing? Will he be sorry if he does? If he doesn't? I hope the answer is yes. To whatever, it doesn't matter, he'll owe me an apology. And you. And we will love him for it. We'll love his sincerity. We'll love his self-deprecation. We'll love his ability to look inward and accept his own faults. We'll love his vulnerability and humanity and empathy. We'll all feel connected to Pratt. We'll come to understand that the "Hollywood elite" is a myth, and truly a celebrity is someone just like us, who can make mistakes and own up to them. And maybe be not a mythical figure on a pedestal or an out-of-touch millionaire who makes us feel small, but an example. A mentor for us all. We will recognize in Pratt the humanity at the core of us all. We will come to know Pratt as He Who Is Us All, and we are as like unto him. All praise be to Pratt. All Praise be to Star Lord!
And then he better apologize for making us worship him, because that shit is super arrogant.