We all know the signs by now. Ice is forming along the driveway, carolers are hiding behind bushes, waiting for prey, and the interior of every Walgreens in America has been turned into Santa's bathroom. Yes, winter is here, and we need to be prepared.
Good thing there's the Cracked Dispensary. We have everything you need to survive the long, cold months, and best of all, we're offering free shipping. That way, no matter where you live, be it in sunny California or at the bottom of a frozen lake in Godhelpme, North Dakota, you can be sure to get the very best that Cracked has to offer. Take that, weather!
Remember how much watching Guardians Of The Galaxy got your blood pumping? Remember joy? Well, now you can relive that energy (and more importantly, the ensuing body heat) with this Groot n' Crossbones mug. Every time you take a sip from this premium ceramic coffee mug, you'll remember Groot's warm, dopey smile, and that feeling will spread from your heart all the way to your frostbitten fingers.
Every day is winter when Mr. Freeze has escaped from Arkham. So when the DC universe is menaced by a giant ice gun and the temperature gets to a certain point, Bruce Wayne pulls out this American Apparel California Fleece Hoody. By day, he wears this around town, reassuring everyone at the gala that he's the entitled philanderer they think him to be. By night, he wears this under his batsuit and lets the 100 percent California Fleece cotton do its work. Does it get a little gnarly after a long day of crimefighting? Sure. But spending every day being Gotham's most eligible playbat is exactly what washing machines were made for.
Many great thinkers have pondered what happens when Star Trek and Stargate collide. Our guess: a Utopian civilization known only as Federation Anarchy. Buy this bedspread, and sleep tight knowing that replicators provide anything you could ever want and Starfleet is flying overhead ensuring order and law. Yes, you may also potentially be in a totalitarian regime and have your every movement watched and recorded, but at least you'll be warm. So snuggle up and send a message to the thought police that you're too damn cozy to care.
Oh, the weather outside is frightful, Cracked!
It sure is. But these three items from the Cracked Store are sure to keep you busy while you wait out the coming storms.
While you're stuck inside for the winter, you'll be doing a lot more web browsing, and some of it might be the naughty type you wouldn't want anybody to know about. (It's okay. We've watched the Spider-Man: Homecoming trailer in our boxers eight times too. No need to be ashamed.) Enter Windscribe. Windscribe is a desktop application and browser extension that protects your online privacy, unblocks websites, and removes ads and trackers from your everyday browsing. That way, no one will ever know that you've read 30 "Spider-Man: Homecoming Easter Eggs Revealed" articles in a row.
You know the snow is bad when not even a trip to GameStop is worth the shoveling. Well, thanks to Steamcrate, you can let that snow pile higher than your little brother playing Tetris. With Steamcrate, you get 10 new games every month, sent straight to your computer. And no, we're not talking nine various Javanoid reboots and a picture of Link nailed to a two-by-four. Steamcrate gets you top-tier gaming like Mortal Kombat X, Bioshock Infinite, Wolfenstein: The New Order, Batman: Arkham Origins, and a whole lot more. Now if they could just get cheese dip beamed directly to your computer, you'd never have to leave your desk chair again.
Snowfall is the most distracting thing in nature. Every time it happens, we're transformed into children, peering out the window at what may as well be the work of a precipitation sorcerer. Nobody's got time for that crap. That's why you need Brain.fm. Brain.fm uses AI and a wealth of neurological research to stream the best background music possible to maximize your focus and productivity. So even if you've got a verifiable Winter Wonderland forming on your front patio, Brain.fm will keep you on task for what matters. Like beating Wolfenstein on your new Steamcrate subscription.
Cracked. We're freezing here. How do we get stuff?
Warm those buns by clicking the links for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store here, or by scrolling up and clicking the links for each particular product. And hurry. We wouldn't want you to lose feeling in your extremities before you're able to buy anything.
Whose job is it to solve crimes?
There is much to show you.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
If there's any institution that doesn't want us to know how much it messes up, it's the military.
The most unrealistic thing about fictional villains is that they don't get arrested until the plot calls for it.