Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to tell you a story. A story that may very well burrow into your soul and take up permanent residence; a chilling tale so unbelievable it would be incredible, if only it weren't absolutely true
. I talk of the arrival of the world's first supervillain.
His name (until he publicly changes it to "Professor Sin" or somesuch) is Jim Blanning, and he looks like this.
Terrified yet? Well, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself…
New Year's Eve. All seems as it should be: the skiers and snowboarders have retired to their respective lodges for hot cocoa and corn muffins, the snow bunnies flit around the room in their woolen finery, each a gift to the world, an affirmation of the renewal that the clock is making ready to strike.
But tonight, the clock will not strike midnight, my friends. Tonight, the clock strikes only FEAR.
Kaboom! In the distance, the rumble of an explosion. Kaboom!
Panicked looks on the faces of children huddled around the fire. What was that sound? Whatever it was, it sounds like it’s getting closer to—
BLAMMO! The cabin’s logs are wrenched out of place and projected inward by a mighty blast! Logs, instantly aflame, rocket into the mass of partygoers and start pummeling their faces indiscriminately. Oh, cruel inertia, they curse, as their faces are reduced to a pink jelly by the impact...
Well, that’s what would
have happened, if the police hadn’t discovered and disarmed four bombs and evacuated the area. I know what you’re thinking: that’s
your evidence of supervillainy? A failed bombing attempt
Did I mention the bombs were DISGUISED AS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS?
At this point, I think it’s prudent to start compiling evidence of Blanning’s supervillain status in bold bullet points, both for clarity’s sake and because it’s scarier that way.
POINT 1: HE PLANNED A BOMB ATTACK.
POINT 2: HE DISGUISED THE BOMBS AS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
So here we’ve got a guy planning to bomb a wealthy resort town on New Year's Eve, using bombs disguised as presents. But why? Was there any motive?
Of course there was, and like any great supervillain, Blanning made his intentions painfully clear through a series of sardonic notes addressed to the authorities. See if you can determine which of the following statements was NOT in one of Blanning’s notes:
A. A promise that Aspen residents would “pay in blood” for what they’ve done.
B. A last will and testament sarcastically making the town’s Sheriff, a longtime enemy of Blanning, sole heir to his mining company.
C. A description of his plans to “walk around after the explosions and enjoy the mayhem.” Note the use of supervillain word “mayhem.”
D. A demand that area banks hand over 60,000 dollars or be responsible for “mass death.”
If you guessed any of those, you are wrong. The correct answer is that he said all of those things
. All of those things were in the note, which may or may not have been delivered via crossbow bolt shot into a telephone pole outside police headquarters.