14 Somehow Totally Inappropriate Facts About Space

Two words: ‘Extraterrestrial sexuality’
14 Somehow Totally Inappropriate Facts About Space

There’s a non-zero chance that the human race burns up on planet Earth because the prudes at NASA are all squeamish about sex. Without their help, a cottage industry of scientists and porn stars have been exploring a new area of scientific study: space sexology. Here’s the state of the discipline, in a nutshell…

As Far as We Know, Sex in Space Hasn’t Happened Yet

There are unsubstantiated rumors about Soviet astronauts getting it on, but NASA’s official stance is that there has never been a successful P-in-V docking in space.

But There’s a Relatively New Branch of STEM Dedicated to Studying It

Space sexology is the “comprehensive scientific study of extraterrestrial intimacy and sexuality.” That makes me think of Marvin the Martian rounding second base, but it’s more about the mechanics of babymaking, fetus development and birthing in zero gravity.

There’s Even a Big, Yonic Venn Diagram

Leading space sexologist Simon Dubé and his team made this handy diagram to take all the horniness out of space sex. Even to my untrained eye, it’s missing one key factor: love.

NASA Are a Bunch of Prickly Prudes

A NASA spokesperson once swatted down a reporter who asked about space sexology, with the tone of a first grade teacher being asked if “milk milk lemonade” is a real thing: “We don’t study sexuality in space, and we don’t have any studies ongoing with that. If that’s your specific topic, there’s nothing to discuss.” 

Nevertheless, Space Research Has Gotten Increasingly Hornier

Besides horned-up Star Trek nerds, no one was thinking much about sex in space until proto-space sexologist Roy Levin published a paper in 1989. His research picked up steam a decade later, and in recent years even NASA has been forced to acknowledge the existence of interstellar intercourse: “Should a future need for more in-depth study on reproductive health in space be identified, NASA would take the appropriate steps.”

That’s Good, Because Humankind Will Need to Figure Out How to Doink in Space at Some Point

If we’re ever going to explore the cosmos, or even just glamp on the moon, we have a lot of problems to solve. One scholar has called for NASA to start up a whole Astrosexological Research Institute.

So What Exactly Do They Need to Figure Out?

What space lacks in gravity, it makes up for in way too much radiation. Both of those may have major impacts on fertility, conception and fetal development, not to mention brain stuff like circadian rhythms and the effects of isolation.

Then, of Course, There’s the Horniness

Stress has been cited as a major Rubik’s Cube to solve in space travel, and cranking one out is a great stress reliever. But even if NASA admits that people need to hump or jack it, they’ll need to develop private and hygienic ways to let it all happen.

Sadly and Predictably, There’s Already a Documented History of Space Sexual Harassment

Researcher Judith Lapierre spent 110 days on a space-station replica, and was accosted by her Russian astronaut boss in the first month. She and other researchers have said it’s “time to plan for #MeToo in space” to draw clear boundaries around “unacceptable behaviors for a spacefaring civilization.”

Leading Space Sexologists Are Calling for Space Dildos

Technically, they want “sexual technology adapted for space to meet the intimate needs of their astronauts,” but what they mean is dildos, Fleshlights, and sexy chatbots.

One Major Problem: Newton’s Third Law

In order to bump uglies, there must be some force keeping those uglies from equal-and-opposite-ing off into the cosmos. Normally, that force is gravity.

One Solution? The “2suit”

American novelist Vanna Bonta developed a big dumb suit that allows you to velcro yourself to your partner in order to smush. Bonta and her husband tested it in one of those zero gravity simulator planes, and were able to dock and smooch (on their eighth try).

We Just Don’t Know How Zero Gravity Affects Conception

Once sperm meets egg, we’re not sure how the rest will go. Until recently, every living mammal has been conceived and raised with significant gravity. Scientists have bred a few rats in zero gravity, but those rats have encountered fertility and balance issues when they finally come down to Earth.

Good News: The Porn Industry Is Working on It!

Porn has been behind some of the greatest technological developments of the last century, so you can rest assured they’ll figure something out. Pornhub tried to raise $3 million to film a porn in space, but they failed to meet their goal. Porn actress CoCo Brown began training to become an astronaut, but the private company she trained with filed for bankruptcy. 

So far, the best we have is a 20-second film shot in reduced gravity called The Uranus Experiment: Part Two, starring Sylvia Saint and Nick Lang. That, and a strong hunch that Michael Collins popped a boner while he was floating out of view of the entirety of civilization.

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