An Insanely Depressing Day In The Life Of Donald Trump

While we've been selfishly worried about human rights and the economy, everyone forgot how truly terrible the Trump presidency must be on Trump himself. Luckily, I've managed to compile a definitive look into our brave new POTUS's hour-by-hour struggle. Prepare for the seriously researched, definitive schedule of Donald Jamillah Trump that is in no way designed to antagonize him or his supporters ...

6:00 a.m. - 9:00 a.m.: Watch TV, Rage Tweet, And Physically Fall Apart

Considering his documented love of stool-loosening Lay's Potato Chips, our president no doubt rouses with an aggressive BM. And for the sake of simplicity, let's just assume that Trump spends the rest of his day in a lightning war with his bowels. #TrumpHasPotatoShits

While campaigning he was famously a Twitter monster (and regular monster, depending on your ethnicity), but President Trump is surprisingly more restrained with an average of five tweets a day (only slightly more than Obama). As the Boston Globe detailed, the prime Twitter window is between 6 a.m. and 10 a.m. -- giving us a clear idea of when Trump sleeps and what he does immediately after waking up.

For example, here's how he decided to kick off the 26th of January:

That's the President Of The United States calling a private citizen "traitor" before sunrise -- presumably while grappling with the aforementioned BM and/or greasing on the tanning lotion. After that, Donald goes on to watch a solid three hours of TV. First Morning Joe at 6, then Fox & Friends, and finally an ire-pumping dessert of CNN's "fake news." Unlike our previous president Obama (who did weights and cardio in the morning), the Don has openly admitted to not exercising. Most accounts of him describe a solitary, indoor person who watches an excessive amount of television, and some have even speculated that staffers with second floor offices have a "diminished standing" due to Trump's unlikeliness to climb a flight of stairs.

And so, as if the presidency wasn't health-damaging enough, Trump's daily leadership begins with a fierce declaration of war against his coronary artery.

9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.: Boring President Stuff

While the exact time varies from president to president, at some point they're required to actually sit down in the Oval Office and do work. Big Bush started at 7:00 a.m., Baby Bush at 7:30 a.m., Busy Barry got in around 8:30 a.m., and Cocksmith Clinton at 9:15 a.m.. According to a few accounts, Trump enters his oblong cubicle at 10 a.m. after attending breakfast events or meetings.

Once there he spends a brief moment defiantly ignoring his single-page Presidential Daily Briefing because he's "a smart person." Then he signs one of the many nightmare-inducing executive orders we've been hearing about -- often on the most ironic day imaginable. This includes reviving the Keystone Pipeline within hours of several oil spills, and enacting a ban of immigrants on Holocaust Remembrance Day.

Noon - 1 p.m.: Luuuuuunch Tiiiiiiime!

According to his schedule, Trump eats lunch with Vice President Mike Pence.

Yeah, that's gotta be a real fuckin' blast.

1:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.: Mostly Raw Anger

Having previously boasted about his severe love of McDonald's and other fast food -- it's safe to say that our post-lunch president is now tits-full of Big Mac. #PresidentTitsMac

Going by my best research, the block between 1 p.m. and 5 p.m. appears to be rather miscellaneous for presidents. Bush Sr, for example, spent a 1992 afternoon doing a few hours of administrative work before meeting with the Commission On Environmental Quality. Clinton took several meetings, made various phone calls, and uh ... had other office interactions.

And while Trump has used this time to meet with union leaders and perform "new hire" busy work, so far the majority has been spent obsessively attacking the media.

According to President Big Boss himself, he watches Sean Spicer's afternoon press conferences alongside chief racist Stephen Bannon. So going by this, and the insider reports of white hot rage he extruded about his inaugural numbers, I'm guessing that a lot of Trump's post-lunch hours will be spent wasting office resources to "set the record straight" about various grievances with the press. For after a shitty night's sleep, potato chip breakfast, and anger-hoarding CNN session, it seems logical that the early afternoon would be the threshold of Trump's wheezing fury. Especially when the man is being denied the comfort of his own bed and fucking hates naps.

I know I just called Stephen Bannon a racist and absolutely can't hide my disgust that Trump is president -- but putting aside partisan views, I can't stress enough how concerned I am for the President's health. The man doesn't sleep, eats junk, and clearly has an anger problem. It doesn't help that most of the country hates him ... but that probably has to do with the fact that he's being advised by an apocalypse-faced white nationalist and has no actual interest in helping the American people. Come to think of it, I'm not actually that concerned with his health after all -- so let's move on.

5:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m.: More (Awkward) President Stuff

Look -- it's not all fun and games, people. The prez gotta work. However, since this is the end of the day (the White House has office hours like everywhere else), the 5 p.m. block is probably reserved for whatever bullshit he doesn't mind cancelling at the last second. This is further evidenced by the fact that Trump has used this time to host a "bipartisan congressional leadership reception" and meet with Paul Ryan -- a man his Breitbart posse doesn't see eye-to-eye with.

6:00 p.m.: Leaving The Office, Entering Depression

Upon leaving for the day, Obama would immediately have dinner with his family before playing a solid 45 minutes of pool with their personal chef -- presumably while stoically digesting. Trump, however, did not bring any personal staff to the White House -- and by "personal staff" I mean "his family." First lady Melania and little Barron are staying in New York, with the occasional weekend visit.

Look. While it's technically hearsay, I'm like 80 percent certain Melania Trump doesn't enjoy her time with Donald. Her body language has all the tellings of a little kid forced to hang with a weird uncle. Trump once boasted that he's never heard her fart in front of him, as if that's a sign of a comfortable relationship and not someone who desperately doesn't want to upset you. When Barron was born, Melania and the baby lived on a completely separate floor of Trump Tower. These are all facts.

And so our 45th commander-in-chief is destined to spend his weeknights alone with his anger-thoughts, eating at the end of a long solitary table like a more-easily-winded Bruce Wayne.

8:00 p.m. - 11:30 p.m.: "Reading," Boyish Hope, Cultivating Rage

No, you flaccid fools, the president's work is never done. According to Obama's chef, his post-pool evening would be routinely cut off by the usher's office delivering an 8 p.m. binder filled with "an insane amount of paper" -- which he went over for three or four hours before bed.

However, according to his own words, Trump doesn't read. His desk is often piled with nothing but magazines and articles specifically about him. He claims to be too "busy" to put brain to paper, and makes his decisions not from gaining information but rather "common sense" and "business ability."

And despite the three hours in the morning, the president has remarked that he will also spend his dark evenings watching television, eating junk food, and tweeting -- dead sober and cultivating choler. #CholerFartsTrump

Here he is quoting a random 16-year-old at 9:00 p.m.:

And here he is, now as president, tweeting about an episode of Bill O'Reilly at 9:30 p.m.:

This is probably the closest to understanding Trump I will ever get. On his first TV interview since getting elected, he spent a great deal bragging boyishly about all the cool stuff he has in his new office and how much everyone loves him. He's earnestly excited about being president and desperate to be liked by the American people, and so is constantly scouring Twitter and the news for every mention. This is exactly what I would do if I were president -- which plays big into the many reasons I should never be president. Others include (but aren't limited to) my famous "mescaline weekends" and my deep hatred of aging astronauts. #LoserSpaceGrandpa

1:30 a.m.: Lay Awake At Night, Worrying About What People Think Of You

Something I've failed to mention because it doesn't fit any specific time slot: Donald Trump spends a considerable chunk of his day still obsessing about the election, and the fact that 2.9 million more people voted for Hillary Clinton.

As I keep mentioning, Trump famously boasts that he only gets two to four hours of sleep. I think it's supposed to imply that he's "so busy" that he simply doesn't have time to rest ... but considering how many documented hours he also spends watching television, my guess is that a busy schedule isn't the thing robbing the Donald of his leathery beauty rest. I think he can't sleep at night because he's deeply unhappy. My guess is that somewhere inside Donald Trump, he knows that the majority of America doesn't want him. That would be really sad if he wasn't such a baby asshole. #DonaldTrumpHasABabyAsshole

David is clearly just jealous of Donald Trump. SAD! Let him have it on Twitter.

Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.

On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.

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