You, using the power of Tinder, have found your true love, and it is far more powerful than the laws of nature. Using the new, photogenic phase of matter you discovered for your profile pic, risk tearing the very fabric of reality to get back. Any universe in which you are not together is not one that should exist anyway. Risk it all, for you have nothing left to lose. Go back.
Live The Life You Were Meant To Live
Find your true love as they were, murder your past self, and resolve never to make the same mistakes. Treat them like the gift you now know them to be. Deflect all questions about your sudden change of heart with quips about how hard the dating scene is. Propose, which will be sudden but not at all unwelcome.
Have a daughter. Have three more. Watch your beautiful girls grow up to have dating troubles of their own, and laugh about how those problems seem so small now. Tell them it will all work out.
Lie to them.
Have more grandchildren than you know what to do with (other than spoil them rotten). Grasp your true love's hand. Wonder when it got so old, and how it could have gotten even more beautiful.
Be at their side in their final moments. Tell them that you bent time back on itself for them, and let them think it's just one of your "stories." Kiss their forehead when they're finally gone. Count yourself lucky for the time you had together. Realize that's the measure of a relationship: not the length of time it lasts (for everything must end), but the quality of tender moments shared.
Fire up the time machine and go back to when you first started using Tinder.
Your young self is now a person with a time machine and killer Tinder profile, making you the most fuckable person who has ever lived. As that young self, go to town, cleaning up with the hottest people throughout all of time. That is how you Tinder.
Aaron Kheifets is an occasionally mustachioed comedian, writer, and director. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter, watch his videos, and look at his website.
Get more online dating advice in Why Tinder Works (And Is Ruining Online Dating), and feel the struggle of going to a bar in The 6 Best Ways To Meet People (Don't Work As Advertised).
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