With more and more people finding love online, dating apps like Tinder are the wave of the present. There's no more stigma to finding a match on the world wide internet, which means people are finding love, companionship, and an 80-percent increase in their chance of contracting syphilis. Here are some tips to help you avoid the fuckbois and Felicias, and find your perfect match using Tinder.
A good relationship is based on honesty, so don't start deceiving potential matches before you've even said hello. According to a 2014 study done at the University of Indiana, the number-one complaint about people on Tinder is that they don't look like their profile pictures.
"Whoa, who dis?"
Since you'll (hopefully) be meeting up in person anyhow, be honest and show them what you're working with! If they don't love you at your worst, then they don't deserve you at your best!
Keep in mind that no one else on Tinder is being honest about their appearance, so showing even the slightest flaw will move you from "normal human with many positive traits" to "troll deserving of national scorn for thinking they are in any way lovable." You're competing in a vicious dating market that is awash in unrealistic expectations based on carefully-staged photos.
That's particularly bad news, because statistics from OKCupid show that the only thing that matters is how hot you look in your photo. When they asked users to rate profiles separately on personality and looks, they found that hot people rated highly on both scores, even when their profile contained no text whatsoever.
When you're murdering it this hard, words are just overkill.
The ugly people were supposedly rated as having worse personalities, but I can't confirm that, because I absolutely refused to look at their profiles.
So I can't stress this enough: Look really hot in your photo. This is especially important because first impressions are basically unchangeable, even in the face of facts.
Of course, since your picture has to be representative, this means you have to actually be really hot. By definition, that's going to be problematic for a majority of people, so focus your attention here.
Also, look interesting. But not in a conventional way. Pictures of people with tigers, travelling exotic locales, or participating in extreme activities have been done to death. Be sure to have pictures that are captivating for entirely new reasons. You might try discovering a new phase of matter, or something like that. Just make sure it photographs well.
This sweet young whippersnapper gets it.
Basically, make sure to actually be naturally strikingly beautiful, with an interesting life that is easily summed up in a completely novel single picture. Don't skimp on this part. Also, don't try too hard. Nothing is less attractive than someone trying too hard.
Now that you've got a great profile, it's time to start swiping! Swipe right on the people who would be a good match for you, and swipe left on everyone else. The beauty of Tinder is that it's as simple as that!
If you're unsure about whom to swipe right on, here's a helpful tip: Take a piece of paper and write "What I'm looking for" at the top, then fill in all the traits of your ideal mate. Next, take another piece of paper and write "What will make me happy?" at the top, and leave this paper blank, because you actually have no idea what will make you happy.
Despite what most people think, having more options is likely to make you less happy with whatever you choose.
Spoken like someone who's never had two cards hit on the same bingo night.
Researchers in behavioral economics have also found that with more options, you're more likely to make worse decisions. So by opening up the can of worms that is Tinder, you may have ensured that you will have a worse outcome than if you had never done this in the first place. Causality's a bitch, isn't it?
Stare at the blank paper and reflect on what this means for your life in general. Should you have been a doctor?
The whole point of online dating is that it's a high throughput system. There's no substitute for experience, so it's time to get busy living. Pick one of your matches, set a time to meet, and throw caution to the wind!
Did you know that people have been murdered on Tinder dates?
That shouldn't be surprising, but it's something to think about as you agree to meet up with a complete stranger who treats bathrooms like Vogue cover shoots. In fact, serious crimes related to dating apps have exploded in the last two years. So maybe "throw caution to the wind" should actually be "carry mace."
Wonder how you have been so blind. It took nearly getting murdered while making out behind a Denny's for you to realize it, but now you see it clearly. Your perfect match was your best friend / wedding planner / lab partner this whole time. Feel like such a fool. Worry that it's too late, that you've taken them for granted for too long.
Rush to the airport to stop them from getting on that plane for their dream job in California. Tell the cab driver to "Step on it!" even though that means nothing to him and he'll keep going the speed limit so that he doesn't get a ticket.
"Yeah, but just because I'm old!"
Sprint the last hundred feet to the terminal, only to realize that the TSA doesn't allow passengers to run up to airport gates anymore. Your love is long gone.
Physicists tell us that time is a dimension like any other. It's a mystery why we humans experience it linearly, with the immutable past slipping further and further away as we move forward. For all their curious theories, the physicists will be of no use to your broken heart. Make yourself sick with dreams of how you would change things if you could. Refuse food and shake off sleep -- for when you sleep, you dream of unringing a bell. And that is folly. If only you could go back.
Invent a time machine and go back.
According to a recent stock image search, it should look like this when you're done.
You, using the power of Tinder, have found your true love, and it is far more powerful than the laws of nature. Using the new, photogenic phase of matter you discovered for your profile pic, risk tearing the very fabric of reality to get back. Any universe in which you are not together is not one that should exist anyway. Risk it all, for you have nothing left to lose. Go back.
Find your true love as they were, murder your past self, and resolve never to make the same mistakes. Treat them like the gift you now know them to be. Deflect all questions about your sudden change of heart with quips about how hard the dating scene is. Propose, which will be sudden but not at all unwelcome.
Have a daughter. Have three more. Watch your beautiful girls grow up to have dating troubles of their own, and laugh about how those problems seem so small now. Tell them it will all work out.
Lie to them.
Have more grandchildren than you know what to do with (other than spoil them rotten). Grasp your true love's hand. Wonder when it got so old, and how it could have gotten even more beautiful.
Be at their side in their final moments. Tell them that you bent time back on itself for them, and let them think it's just one of your "stories." Kiss their forehead when they're finally gone. Count yourself lucky for the time you had together. Realize that's the measure of a relationship: not the length of time it lasts (for everything must end), but the quality of tender moments shared.
Fire up the time machine and go back to when you first started using Tinder.
Your young self is now a person with a time machine and killer Tinder profile, making you the most fuckable person who has ever lived. As that young self, go to town, cleaning up with the hottest people throughout all of time. That is how you Tinder.
Aaron Kheifets is an occasionally mustachioed comedian, writer, and director. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter, watch his videos, and look at his website.
Get more online dating advice in Why Tinder Works (And Is Ruining Online Dating), and feel the struggle of going to a bar in The 6 Best Ways To Meet People (Don't Work As Advertised).
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