A Guide to Your Local Mall (Post Marijuana Legalization)
When I roll out of bed in the morning, itâs into a big, fluffy pile of pot leaves. Then I laugh and laugh, because my bed IS a big pile of pot leaves, which can only mean I fell asleep in the hash-hammock again! Then I go and shower all of the hash stink off myself and head into work. This routine is pretty common to most native Californians. We also all surf every morning and are all tan and named Chad.
So naturally, it came as quite a surprise to me, Chad, when I read in this monthâs High Times that a bill that would legalize the recreational use of marijuana in California is JUST NOW heading for a vote. As far as Iâd ever known, smoking pot was and had always been as legal as drinking alcohol, dropping acid, or dropping acid into other peoplesâ alcohol. I surfed over to my private mall to get to the bottom of it.
As my personal shopper Chad soon informed me, the reason weed has always been available at my private mall is that Iâm a billionaire playboy with a private mall. So, I guess mystery solved.
But hey, while Iâm here, it seems like the perfect time to share the wonders of a pot-legal mall with the world (and of course to exercise my 8% âmall ownerâs discountâ)! After all, we Cali-tan-i-dudes are on the verge of legalizing, and itâs only a matter of time before the rest of the states want to look cool and financially solvent too.
So grab a surfboard and letâs carve or jam or whatever they say, because youâre about to get a glimpse into the future of American retail!
WELCOME TO GREENLEAF MALL (A WESTFIELD JOINT)
If youâre like me, the first thing you notice upon entering the mall is how insanely high you are. Then you notice that thereâs this one floor tile right at the entrance thatâs slightly off center.
So you notice that for a while, and what it says about you as a person, but before you can get too deeply into things in any serious way, youâre drawn forward by the lights, glamor, and heavy pot-stench beckoning you down the glittering halls.
Passing through a hazy barrier so pungent with mary jane that you may as well be attending Willie Nelsonâs cremation, you venture on.
FUZZIER IMAGE (Formerly Sharper Image)
The folks at the Fuzz have managed to hang onto that sleek, modern office feel, while incorporating the intense chronic that you want from a high-end mall gadgeteria. Shelves are crowded with minor miracles, from things that are clearly clocks powered by some kind of gel, to things that might be clocks, but their displays arenât working right now. Whether youâre supposed to smoke weed out them or not (usually you are, but ask before buying), each is a testament to manâs tool-using prowess and desire to fit an entire ecosystem into a two-inch glass cube.
Seriously, they put this little shrimp in there with a plant and water, and he can just live like that forever. And youâre supposed to just put it on your desk at work. Youâre like God, watching this little cube of life. I mean, maybe thatâs how God really is, you know? Maybe weâre just these little eternally cycling lives, and heâs like this regular bourgeois guy at his desk who just has paperwork to do and weâre like just a toy to him, just a way to feel in control, to feel powerful while he tries to nail his secretary and land the Whatever account.
You can also ride a Segway at Fuzzier Image, but you have to pretend like youâre actually interested in buying it.
The Bose-Hauptmann LaserBong: This stunning study in green crystal combines all the functionality and poise of a top shelf bong with the mesmerizing time-telling ability of a row of blinking LEDs. Take a rip, then stare in slack-jawed wonderment as the current date and time are projected onto the smoke before your very eyes! $49.99
Motorized Eighth-Rack: Tired of constantly sorting through your many ounces of sweet green? Simply store them in this handy, closet-ready motorized rack. Individual eighth-sized pouches provide the perfect home for your bud, and the motorâs good for up to three million rotations, so hold the button and stare at your weed-go-round all you want, you high son of a bitch. $19.99.
PotSoundz Sleep Aid: Trouble sleeping? You know whatâs good for that? Oh, youâve already tried smoking weed? You say youâve smoked so MUCH weed that youâre lying in your bed shaking with your arms uncontrollably floating upwards? Just plug in your PotSoundz Sleep Aid clock radio and drift off to the soothing sounds of bong pulls, hacking coughs, and ill-timed giggling. $14.99.
HIonFlow Air Depurifier: Standing at exactly 420 millimeters, this compactable, portable air depurifier uses patented HIon technology (the âHIâ stands for âhigh, it gets youâ) to actually infuse THC into the air of any room in which itâs placed. $0.99 for the unit, $40.00 per THC gel-pac filter insert.
BUD-MART (Formerly Wal-Mart)
For the average American family, Wal-Martâs low prices on bulk goods are a godsend. In much the same way, Bud-Martâs three-gallon tubs of low-grade Tijuana Mary will keep you and the wife high out of your minds for only pennies a day! So head on in, but be sure to avoid eye contact with the greeters; mentally handicapped octogenarian stoners tend to startle easily.
HASH AND BODYHIGH (Formerly Bath and Bodyworks)
If your senses need a momentary break from the ever-present pot fog, duck into Greenleafâs own body and fragrance store for a burst of lemon summertime or spritz of ocean breeze so authentic youâll think someone poured a capful of saltwater up one nostril and Pledge up the other. Once youâve recovered from your impromptu tropical getaway, why not sample a toke of the storeâs signature strains, Lemon Summertime and Ocean Breeze? Thatâs right; theyâre THE SAME PRODUCT.
You see, Hash and Bodyhighâs aromatherapists have worked long and hard to craft marijuana plants that release, when smoked, soothing scents as diverse as Vanilla Warmth, Fresh Linen, and Purple Kooshy Dankenstein. Any of their line of exclusive scents can be enjoyed with a Hash and Bodyhigh oil-infusion aromatherapy kit (tea candle sold separately) or can be baked into a brownie.
LavendrÃ© Designer Bongwater: Studies have shown that the average marijuana user inhales smoke by way of filthy, brackish bongwater swimming with parasites. Instead, why not upgrade your smoking experience with a bottle of LavendrÃ© Designer Bongwater? LavendrÃ© is imported from a town deep in the French countryside, whose inhabitants have spent centuries toiling on bongwater plantations to perfect their craft. So the next time youâre going to take a monster rip, enjoy it with a smooth blend of rosehip and lavender. And if you donât like it, try it again in ten minutes and you probably will. Itâs the H&B guarantee! $3.29/bottle.
Body Butter Warning-Cozy: This elegant yet effective cozy is perfect intersect of function and aesthetics. In simple language and with bold lettering, the consumer is firmly reminded that Body Butter is NOT actual butter. Each cozy is crocheted by a genuinely high person, and fits snugly over a standard Hash and Bodyhigh butter tub.
So spare yourself embarrassment, as well as shockingly painful intestinal cramping. $6.99.
FAT LIDS (Formerly GAP Kids)
Fat Lids has been shut down by the government for repeatedly selling drugs to children. We apologize for the inconvenience, and hope youâll return for the grand opening of GYMBOREEFER at the same location!
BARNES & GANJA (Formerly Bookstar)
Barnes & Ganja is a modern Mecca for movie buffs, music lovers and bookworms alike. Browse through their vast collection of ambient, prog rock and world music, read virtually any work by a Central American revolutionary, or just lounge in a comfy chair with a steaming mug of "green tea" from the in-store coffee shop (that's what they call a cup of Marijuana!). To better accommodate todayâs recreational pot user, Barnes & Ganjaâs books are sorted not by author, but rather by what the thing on the cover looks like.