10 Mustache Styles That Must Be Stopped
The moustache is a style that has sadly been relegated to antiquity: It is a quaint, often goofy relic that's looked upon with derision in the modern world, when it is looked upon at all. So of course, it's time for the insufferable hipsters to ironically bring it back. A moustache is supposed to be a courtesy; it's there to tell the world "there's something wrong with my face. Here's something else to look at, friend." But these days it's just telling the world "there's something wrong with my personality, look at me." If you're considering a moustache: Don't. It's been ruined. But real men are not dissuaded from anything, no matter how reasonable the argument, so you're probably still considering making the moustache leap -- not in spite of, but in fact because it is currently going down in flames. If that's the case, please consult this comprehensive guide to the modern moustache so you will be fully cognizant of the precise kind of dick you look like.
The ChevronThick, straightforward, matter-of-fact, the Chevron is a tapered face-wedge that spits in your fancy wine, knocks over your Tapas and makes sweet love to your wife while you cry into your Vichyssoise (missionary position only, Frenchy). What You Think You Look Like:
The HorseshoeA U-shaped track of hair, the Horseshoe says a million different things in a million different languages, and all of them are "I'll light this fucking place on fire." The horseshoe is the staple of convicts, bikers, and general badasses with poor impulse control across the globe. What You Think You Look Like:
The PencilThe Pencil is the trademark of drug kingpins, slightly effeminate assassins, and tango instructors. In any case, the pencil-moustache looks like it's about to murder something, and it just might be vaginas.
The CombinationThe wild card of the facial hair world, the Combination comes in many forms: Beard and moustache, soul patch and cho chos, mutton chops and a mohawk - one style of facial hair could never hold you, man. You yearn to be free, and God help the razor that tries to tame you. What You Think You Look Like:
The American StandardThe default moustache for the United States of America: It's not too thick, not too thin, centrally located and moderately groomed. The American Standard is a moustache, sure, but it doesn't want to make a thing out of it. The American Standard is often used as part of a required work uniform, as seen on Highway Patrolman, porn stars, and managers of failing Blockbusters.
The CowboyBasically just an ungroomed Chevron, the Cowboy is a monster of a moustache. It hangs penduously from the face like an extra ballsack, and you know what? That's pretty much what it is. If somebody's wearing the Cowboy, it's because their body just didn't have enough room for all the huevos they're rocking, so it sprouted new ones. In hair form. From their face. Gross. What You Think You Look Like:
The DevilThe sinister upward turn at the tips, the sharp, pointed goatee: The Devil is the very emblem of evil. The Devil tells people you're not here looking for trouble, Trouble is here looking for you... because you fucked Trouble's wife, killed its dog and burned down its house this afternoon. What You Think You Look Like:
The ScragglerNot adhering to any one specific form, the scraggly moustache is, by its very nature, unplanned and unpredictable. Maybe you were too busy to shave, maybe you just started growing it in, or maybe you were trying to steal another man's moustache but were caught midway through and forced to flee. Nobody knows why your facial hair is incomplete, and you love it that way. What You Think You Look Like:
The FingerNow isn't that cute? It's a Finger Moustache! Somebody pulls out a camera, everybody poses nicely, and then uh oh! Finger moustache. Aren't you just a rogue? What You Think You Look Like:
The HandlebarDignified, sophisticated, refined, and above all else, ominous. The mere presence of The Handlebar automatically makes you a card-carrying member of the league of evil. What You Think You Look Like:
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots or you can stay tuned for the extra special twist or you just continue scrolling down to the comments so you can make a half-formed joke about mustache rides! LOLOMGODIEINAFIRE!1!!