10 Mustache Styles That Must Be Stopped
The moustache is a style that has sadly been relegated to antiquity: It is a quaint, often goofy relic that's looked upon with derision in the modern world, when it is looked upon at all. So of course, it's time for the insufferable hipsters to ironically bring it back. A moustache is supposed to be a courtesy; it's there to tell the world "there's something wrong with my face. Here's something else to look at, friend." But these days it's just telling the world "there's something wrong with my personality, look at me." If you're considering a moustache: Don't. It's been ruined. But real men are not dissuaded from anything, no matter how reasonable the argument, so you're probably still considering making the moustache leap -- not in spite of, but in fact because it is currently going down in flames. If that's the case, please consult this comprehensive guide to the modern moustache so you will be fully cognizant of the precise kind of dick you look like.
The Chevron
Thick, straightforward, matter-of-fact, the Chevron is a tapered face-wedge that spits in your fancy wine, knocks over your Tapas and makes sweet love to your wife while you cry into your Vichyssoise (missionary position only, Frenchy). What You Think You Look Like: A traditional symbol of sex and confidence, the Chevron-wearer is lean, serious, and absolutely incapable of putting up with bullshit. Bullshit to the Chevron-wielder is like lactose to an Asian; it simply will not be tolerated. What It Really Looks Like: Fat, old, and swollen with beer-cheese soup, you insist you're "telling it like it is" at social gatherings, and are "renowned" for your brevity. In reality, you're just drunk and "remanded" into police custody. Also, we know you think you're rocking those boy-shorts, but it just looks like you somehow lost most of your pants on your way to the field. Possibly to a dog.Related: Brands ... Leave The Slacktivism To Your Personal Accounts
The Horseshoe
A U-shaped track of hair, the Horseshoe says a million different things in a million different languages, and all of them are "I'll light this fucking place on fire." The horseshoe is the staple of convicts, bikers, and general badasses with poor impulse control across the globe. What You Think You Look Like: You look like you've done time. And not pussy time, either: You didn't get a GED or any of that crap in the joint. No, you killed a man with a folded-in-half pudding-cup lid and shower-raped the warden. What You Really Look Like: You just don't know how to break the news to your father, but your facial hair does. Your face is playing a game of charades with the world, and its topic is "homosexual." And in this analogy, your face is really, really good at charades.Related: 6 Terrifying Bats You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
The Pencil
The Pencil is the trademark of drug kingpins, slightly effeminate assassins, and tango instructors. In any case, the pencil-moustache looks like it's about to murder something, and it just might be vaginas.Related: The Racist Pencil Test: 5 WTF Quack 'Tests' Humanity Devised
The Combination
The wild card of the facial hair world, the Combination comes in many forms: Beard and moustache, soul patch and cho chos, mutton chops and a mohawk - one style of facial hair could never hold you, man. You yearn to be free, and God help the razor that tries to tame you. What You Think You Look Like: Equal parts badass motherfucker, lovable hero, and zany clown. You're a big, lovable maniac, just as likely to bear hug a group of children as you are to steal their schoolbus and ramp it into a taxiing commuter plane in order to take out The Spider before he can flee to a non-extraditing country.Related: 8 Animals That Are Just Lazy Combinations of Other Animals
The American Standard
The default moustache for the United States of America: It's not too thick, not too thin, centrally located and moderately groomed. The American Standard is a moustache, sure, but it doesn't want to make a thing out of it. The American Standard is often used as part of a required work uniform, as seen on Highway Patrolman, porn stars, and managers of failing Blockbusters.Related: 5 Foreign School Rules Way Better Than The American Version
The Cowboy
Basically just an ungroomed Chevron, the Cowboy is a monster of a moustache. It hangs penduously from the face like an extra ballsack, and you know what? That's pretty much what it is. If somebody's wearing the Cowboy, it's because their body just didn't have enough room for all the huevos they're rocking, so it sprouted new ones. In hair form. From their face. Gross. What You Think You Look Like:Related: Red Dead Redemption 2 Mapped Onto My Dumb Dating History
The Devil
The sinister upward turn at the tips, the sharp, pointed goatee: The Devil is the very emblem of evil. The Devil tells people you're not here looking for trouble, Trouble is here looking for you... because you fucked Trouble's wife, killed its dog and burned down its house this afternoon. What You Think You Look Like: Your particular brand of evil comes not from senseless destruction, but cold, calculated brilliance. You don't kill men: You let the men kill each other. You're powerful, you're a deal-maker, a businessman, and a spectacular bastard (but hey, at least you're spectacular).Related: The Time 'Quantum Leap' Battled The Literal Devil
The Scraggler
Not adhering to any one specific form, the scraggly moustache is, by its very nature, unplanned and unpredictable. Maybe you were too busy to shave, maybe you just started growing it in, or maybe you were trying to steal another man's moustache but were caught midway through and forced to flee. Nobody knows why your facial hair is incomplete, and you love it that way. What You Think You Look Like: Oh, do I have a moustache? I'm sorry, I hadn't even noticed. It probably cropped up over lunch. I was too busy doing forbidden things to intriguing people to catch exactly when this hair attached itself to me. Ah, well - such is the mystery of the moustache, my dear. I've noticed there are panties on the floor. Is it laundry day, or are you just happy to see me?Related: 55 Sequels That No One Thought Through
The Finger
Now isn't that cute? It's a Finger Moustache! Somebody pulls out a camera, everybody poses nicely, and then uh oh! Finger moustache. Aren't you just a rogue? What You Think You Look Like: Hip, casual, and cool, you're the kind of person others use the word 'irreverent' to describe. You know, looking at it all written out like that, that description makes you sound kind of stupid, but look at you - you're okay with that! You're secure enough to be self-deprecating; it's one of your many, many virtues.Related: Why The Length Of Your Fingers Dictate Who You Are
The Handlebar
Dignified, sophisticated, refined, and above all else, ominous. The mere presence of The Handlebar automatically makes you a card-carrying member of the league of evil. What You Think You Look Like: You're fully capable of discussing philosophy, executing a high-stakes corporate take-over, and rigging dynamite to an oversize plunger, all at the same time. You're as intelligent and genteel as you are brutal and unforgiving. You're not wanted by the police, but only because you own the police. What You Really Look LikeYou can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots or you can stay tuned for the extra special twist or you just continue scrolling down to the comments so you can make a half-formed joke about mustache rides! LOLOMGODIEINAFIRE!1!!