9 Self-Defense Gadgets Your Mugger Will Find Hilarious
Technology has always been about making the world a better place: one with less of your enemies in it. Jet engines, computers and radar were invented by geniuses in wartime, but we're looking at the inventions of idiots during peacetime, and the result is more ridiculously contrived self-defense systems than Jackie Chan's career. Some were so stupid they weren't even given patents, and the US patent office has given patents to a stick and a vaginal bong. Unfortunately, neither was a euphemism.
Inventions don't grow on... huh.
The Self-Defense Memo Pad
Patent Number: 5,823,572
Violence and memos really don't go together.
Revolver Flick-Bayonet
Patent Number: 946,132
Drug Detecting Stir Stick
Patent Application Number: 9/923,507
(Barely) Stabbing Ring
Patent Number: 5,588,214
Quick, pop the big red weak point!
The Key-Whip!
Patent Number: 4,460,174
The rope also changes length in every picture
Log Purse
Patent Application Number:11/200,493
When your patent spends a page identifying a chunk of wood, you might not be "inventing."
The Throttlin' Strap
Patent Application Number: 10/098,657
It's also the perfect length to get soaked with piss at the urinal, adding +1 Poison damage
Bat'leth Shopping Bag Handle
Patent Number: 5,509,708
Plowgun
Patent Number: 35,600
Guess who'd win in a fight. Or anything else.
When It Would Work:This is for someone sowing rows of plants and expecting to be attacked in a straight line from dead ahead, so it's a tragedy it was patented 150 years before Plants vs Zombies.
For more self-defense systems which get their owners the beatings they deserve, check out The 13 Most Irresponsible Self-Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy. If you've given up on gimmicks and want to turn your body into a weapon, read 5 Insane Fighting Manuals (You Probably Shouldn't Listen To).
Luke McKinney's main self-defense strategies are friendliness, buying drinks, and Down-forward-HK into EX Thousand Foot Kick. He also tumbles and has a website.