9 Businesses You Won't Believe Are Utilizing Public Nudity
It's a widely known fact that nudity improves 98 percent of all human endeavors, which is why I regularly make lunch, mow the lawn, and philatle in the buff. That 2 percent is also why I stopped doing nude lunges. Rug burn is a harsh mistress when your feet slip out from under you.
Given how delightful nudity is, it should come as no surprise that many an entrepreneur has tried to capitalize on our desire to see other people's assorted goodies and floppies jostling about whilst engaging in any number of activities that are normally fully clothed and therefore sickeningly boring. Some of these businesses are barely even worth running in a fully clothed state.
Remember the shoe bomber? How far do you think that joker would have gotten on a naked airplane? Actually, I don't think he got very far on a normal airplane either, if memory serves, but he'd have gotten even less far on a nudie plane. Mmm, that's good grammar.
Because flying is often more of a chore than a pleasure, with all its cramped seats and poor food choices and tiny bathrooms and SkyMall catalogs, a German airline decided enough of this shit! Or, to be more accurate, scheisse! Let's force people to sit cramped and uncomfortable next to naked strangers. I like to think that the moment in Fight Club when Brad Pitt gets up and debates which is more polite, passing ass-first or crotch-first, would have been infinitely more exciting on a nude flight. Plus what are the odds no one is leaving a snail trail on the upholstery?
For safety reasons, the flight crew must remain clothed, because ... there are so many jokes I could end this sentence with. If you're not sure what kind of safety concerns require a stewardess to remain clothed, well then, you've clearly never been on a nude flight when a series of very unfortunate incidents took place. I like to think they involved nipples getting stuck in overheard compartments and maybe explosive scrotal decompression.
Nude Coffee Shops
There are over 20,000 Starbucks locations in the world, and at none of them will you ever see a barista's asshole. Now maybe you're OK with that and maybe you're not, but the point is, shouldn't that choice be up to us, the consumers? I'll save you the trouble of answering and just check you down for a yes. Maybe when I order a macchiato what I really mean is I have no idea what the hell "macchiato" means, just show me sideboob.
California has been cracking down on nude coffee shops for a few years now, as people are apparently being forced face-first into espresso titties all the time, possibly by the busload, possibly as children or the elderly or whoever else can't fend for themselves against nipples. Some of these coffee shops even allow gambling and smoking, so arguably they are run by the devil's busty sister, Mistress Boobula.
The reason this article doesn't include any mention of nude maids is because I found this man version and it struck me as easily thrice as funny as naked maids. Besides, if a maid isn't dressed as a maid, how the hell do you know she's a maid? She'd be a naked lady cleaning your house, and that may as well be my mom after a sixth daiquiri. Screw that.
Anyway, a nude handyman is pretty much exactly what it sounds like and, of course, is still easily identifiable as a handyman because a handyman wears a tool belt. It's a bit of a technicality, but I like to think you still qualify as nude if all you have on is a belt with a hammer in it.
The website NudeHandyman.com has a database of naked fellows ready to plane your joists and weld your drywall, and they only charge $40 an hour, which I think is actually cheaper than most general contractors. Plus you'll have all that penis waving around your home while he fixes your leaky faucet or refinishes your counter tops. Haven't you always wanted to watch a naked guy with a belt sander? No? Eh, whatever.
Bonus amusement occurs on the site when you click the "let's see the men" button and you realize that there's actually just one man doing this. One desperately lonely, naked man.
Nude Car Wash
A nude car wash seems like a no-brainer. The bikini car wash was a successful fundraiser for years and allowed pervs to pretend they were interested in charitable causes while they watched teenage girls soap up their shitty cars. It was kind of a win-win for everyone who wasn't concerned with feminism in any way. Taking this idea to the next level by doing away with the bikinis after guaranteeing that "teenage girl" means "18+-year-old girl" is so logical, it should be the conclusion to every sudoku puzzle. I'm not sure if that analogy makes sense at all and it doesn't matter because naked and soapy.
Because every nude business is opposed by someone who calls pants "slacks," even the admirable nude car wash has had to fight against naysayers. In Australia, my home away from home and the source of 60 percent of the world's unintentional comedy, nude car washes were reviewed by authorities not because of their boobies but because of the potential waste of water. After what was likely a thorough and deep probe, it was determined that the car wash, using recycled water and keeping all its delightful Aussie nipples neatly behind closed doors, was A-OK. However, after the investigation was complete, the authorities did make it clear that government cars would not be getting washed there. So that was something.
Nude Juice Bar
Nudie bars are as old as bars and/or nudies. Everyone knows about them. Alcohol was very likely invented so dudes would have something to do with their hands while looking at lady bits swaying rhythmically to poor music. Something else to do, anyway.
Not content to contribute to alcoholism, Kim Burnett and her husband opened Lollipops, a bar that serves juice to everyone and also has strippers who can just sit and be naked if they prefer that to dancing. Because it's not a bar, you don't have to be over 21 to enter, and Burnett's own teenage sons are fans of the place because of course they are. The 13-year-old kid whose mom runs an all-ages strip club is the coolest kid in the world and everyone knows it. His entire life must be a jumbled confusion of frustration over homework, boners, juice stains, and carpal tunnel.
Burnett helpfully added that the girls have a 24-inch rule, meaning no one is allowed within 2 feet of them while they dance, and that she's giving them all a great opportunity since a lot of them are runaways, drug addicts, and prostitutes. The interview process must be mind-boggling in its ability to always seem like the beginning of a predictable porno to absolutely anyone observing it.
I couldn't actually find a website for a business that does this, although there were a handful of Craigslist ads and a movie that changed my life when I was 12 called Private Lessons. It's about a 15-year-old kid who bangs his tutor and there's some kind of blackmail subplot and she fakes her own death, which seems cruel, but the point was, at the time, I was all "Yes!" because she was like 30. You can get tutored by a 30-year-old who will have sex with you when you're a teenager? No one had ever told me that before. In retrospect, we can all appreciate the bizarre way pedophilia was a comedic plot device in the 1980s, but at the time I saw it, I felt it was an exceptional idea and I couldn't wait to get to that point in my own life.
As it happens, the only tutor my parents were likely to ever be able to afford would have been a dude who went by a nickname like Boxcar Huey, or perhaps Perineal Cyst Bobby, so I just got stuck with what public school could offer and the sexiest teacher I ever had was my seventh grade math teacher, who had misshaped boobs and one gray tooth. I didn't say she was sexy -- just the sexiest.
I guess the point of this is that teaching with nudity still seems like a good idea to me. I'd like to learn Spanish someday.
Nude Hair Salon
Until I was about 14, my mom cut my hair, so people always assumed that I sleepwalked and played with razors or was constantly having brain surgery. After that I managed to convince the family that I needed a barber like a proper man. The very first time I went to the barber, an Italian gentleman of about 130 years, he cut my hair in such a way that my head couldn't have looked more like a circumcised penis if it spooged every time I washed my face. After that I had my hair cut at a salon by a lady in her 40s who used to tell me about how her son enjoyed playing soccer and how much she liked the show The Wonder Years, those being the only topics she apparently felt I could relate to. So basically I've never enjoyed a haircut in my life.
Despite having never had a good haircut, I can now let you know that there is a topless hair salon in Australia called Hot Cuts where ladies with no shirts on will cut your hair or wash it and then rub you head for a half hour straight. I hope they're well trained, but probably no one cares, and I'm willing to admit that I'd accept inane Wonder Years conversations even today if there were boobs involved.
Ladies, don't feel left out, because Hot Cuts caters to you, too, and maybe when you get your hair washed it could end in some kind of soapy cat fight.
When it comes to motels, you generally have some pretty limited variety. There's the Bates Motel, where you go to get murdered; there's cheap motels, where you go to get chlamydia; there's roach motels, where you get both; and, somewhere out there, there's a nude motel.
If this idea were a hotel, it would be a hell of a lot classier, and I didn't even both to research that idea -- I'm pretty sure there's a number of nudist resorts and such around the world. But the fact that a motel is basically the last stop on the highway before driving off a pier made this one seem kind of special.
The idea to turn the Fawlty Towers Motel in Florida into a nudist motel was the result of declining business, because the one thing that will make you feel more comfortable at a nudist hotel is if it's a little run down. Why sit your nude heiney on well-cleaned upholstery when maybe you can sit on a chair that's splattered in either gravy or blood? Maybe it's both!
Some people might argue that religion isn't a business, and to that I will take a sip from this snifter of port and chuckle most heartily while Lord Shaftsbury and I prepare for a round of croquet between our manservants Nigel and Eustace. I have a straw penny on Eustace breaking into tears as soon as Nigel runs a hoop.
Jocularity aside, the Whitetail Chapel in Ivor, Virginia, consists of a congregation full of totally nude nudes worshiping the lord in all their pale glory. As the pastor says, Jesus was born naked, was crucified naked, and rose from his tomb naked, so why the heck shouldn't they all be naked, too? In fairness, no one asked Jesus what he wanted to wear during most of those events as far as I know, but that may just be nitpicking on my part.
The average high temperature in that part of Virginia in July is about 90 degrees, so we can only hope the church has some AC to prevent the pews from living up to their name when it gets really balmy out.