8 Ridiculous Sex Toys for the Budget-Conscious
Humans love sex, and humans love toys. Sex toys are a thing. We tend to think they're alright, too.
But here's the thing about sex toys: All the really cool (and really frightening) gear tends to cost you a big ol' pile of cash. Have you ever wondered what an inquiring mind could achieve with just a few bucks in his pocket? Hey, here's an idea: Why don't we see what manner of crotch-fondling apparatus is prepared to jump into our slightly sticky shopping cart if we shop around with the absolute maximum budget of, say, $10 per product?
Spoiler: It doesn't get any less terrifying.
American Diagnostic Corporation Stainless Steel Wartenberg Pinwheel
The Wartenberg Pinwheel is a spur-like medical device that consists of a handle and a wheel that is, would you believe it, made of pins. Back in the day, its sharp points were used to test neurological reactions, but it has fallen out of favor, because it turns out wheel-stabbing your patients is not the most sanitary of procedures.
So, a $4 medical device with an unsanitary reputation and a number of sharp points? You bet your butt it's used for bonin'!
Gleefully sold as a sex toy, the Wartenberg (or "Wartenburg," as it is often called, presumably to prevent the ghost of the doctor who invented the instrument from rage-haunting the users' crotches) Pinwheel is commonly bought with items like these:
The pictures say "sex stuff," the titles say "We're not quite sure how you humans name things."
And there's nothing wrong with that; a little BDSM never hurt anyone (shut up, you know what I mean). However, a slightly more worrying aspect of the product is the fact that a) this is pretty much the cheapest thing Amazon offers in the sex toy category, and b) the product description features no hints on how to use it whatsoever. Combine these things, and you have a potentially hurtful-as-fuck medical tool in the hands of the kind of person who happily purchases $4 sex toys.
What I'm saying is that more than one doctor has probably spent some interesting hours trying to dislodge this thing from someone's urethra.
Swipes Cucumber Scent Lovin Wipes
Everyone is familiar with the sexy connotations of the noble cucumber. A watery vegetable that is cheap, easy to access, and conveniently shaped like Shrek dick, it can likely boast a more impressive sexual resume than you, I, and everyone we know that's not your mom combined.
Even stock photography has given up trying to present cucumbers in a neutral light.
If there's one thing about cucumbers that is truly unassuming, it's their smell. Is there any? I've eaten a few cucumber salads in my time, and I can't recall them smelling of anything at all. Yet here we have Swipes cucumber-scented wipes, a product that is outright marketed as a sex wipe ("freshen up before or clean up after intimate moments"), and part of the appeal is supposed to be the fact that they smell like cucumber. Why is this? Is it supposed to be a turn-on? Is this a "forbidden fruit" thing, bringing back all those awkward memories from the vegetable aisle? Does ... does it smell like an already used cucumber, and oh God why did that thought have to cross my mind?
Maybe this is an actual line of products, and somewhere out there is an "Oh shit, I just realized my only purchases are seven zucchinis and a tub of Vaseline" terror-sweat-scented version that comes with a complimentary condescending Walmart cashier. The mysteries are endless; the answers, I never wish to know. Piss off, cucumber sex wipes. You have no place here. (Also, $7.99 for you is daylight robbery, no matter how well it fits my arbitrary money limit.)
Let's consider a scenario where you've managed to fill your house with the best naughty toys you can find, yet for some reason members of your preferred gender completely fail to drop their pants, no matter how many times you drop careful hints about the veritable fuck dungeon you have converted your basement into. Strange thought, I know, but it has been known to happen. Luckily, the bargain bin of your local porn peddler has a solution to this terrifying situation: $5.70 pheromone bracelets.
Man on the moon, Internet, and now this? Thanks, science!
Yes, this wondrous "pheromone-infused" toy bracelet is absolutely guaranteed to cause your sweat glands to emit a secret scent trail that will attract the opposite sex for weeks, and probably won't even smell like decaying spleen at all!
What's best, these surefire sexual attractors come in both male and female versions, so if you have an open mind and/or enough desperation in your heart, you can wear one on each wrist and open your arms to embrace the world, waiting in anticipation to see who bites first. (My prediction: stray dogs.)
The Blow Job Bib
This is a fucking blow job bib, a fun product that can be yours for the measly price of $3.29, plus all worth you once had as a respectable human being.
While many retailers obviously sell the blow job bib as a party gag (sorry) item, some sites freely list it under sex toys, so you just know there's a handful of comically/tragically misguided dudes who present it to the objects of their affection as a "wacky" hint that they secretly hope will make the face of the receiver embrace its intended role as the locomotive of their gravy train.
Of course, this is the exact kind of bullshit that will wean these assholes off from ever receiving a blow job again. This is actually kind of a shame, as being limited to regular coitus means they have a much better chance to breed more fuck-awful idiots.
Vulcan Ripe Anus
Butt stuff is to sex what bacon is to cuisine: a perfectly fine occasional side dish that has been memetically elevated to the status of steak. And much like bacon, anal has also attracted its fair share of strange byproducts: From "realistic molds" of porn star cavities to the many, many insertable products out there, even the most committed rear entrance enthusiast has no shortage of things to blow his cash on.
And then there is Vulcan Ripe Anus.
Vulcan Ripe Anus!
I'm ... I'm actually at a loss here, people. I get that it's supposed to be an ass-in-a-can of some fashion, but ... seriously? What's the target group for this product, necrophile Trekkies? I'm almost tempted to order this thing just to see what the ever-loving fuck it's about, but I'm certain that the second I finished payment, a barbarian adventurer would smash through my window and slay me for attempted necromancy.
At $12.71, this product is technically a little over the budget. Still, I feel secure in including it, because I'm betting you can get it way, way cheaper than that.
All you need to do is walk into a porn shop and loudly haggle over the price of Vulcan Ripe Anus these days.
If you've read some of my previous stuff on the subject of sex and the toys that revolve around it, you may have gathered that I'm not particularly keen on teledildonics. It's not that I'm against the concept per se -- it's just that I find it hard to see the point of complicated, barely working long-distance screwing contraptions when most people already have ready access to stuff like phones and hands. Take panties operated by remote control, which is a thing that exists, and houses a remote-control vibrator in the exact place you suspect. Hey, wait a moment -- these things may be stupid as seven sorts of shit, but there's no way they'll make our budget. Teledildonics stuff tends to be expensive as all fuck.
Well, not this particular product! In fact, the price of the item is so low, it's something of a red flag:
"Product description: May not contain spiders this time."
What ... what happened here? Why are they dumping this product practically for free? Was there a malfunction? Did Chad hit the bar with his friends after work and start absent-mindedly fidgeting with the remote, only to find out it has a seriously impressive range, as his politician wife is giving what would turn out to be the most excited speech of her career? Was there a love triangle drama, and some jealous husband MacGyvered a car battery in this thing somehow? Or maybe a sitcom-style mix-up, where the sex panties you meant to give your spouse for Christmas ended up in the wrong stocking, and now Grandma is wondering whether to write you out of the will or make you the sole heir?
Her opinion tends to change with the setting.
There are no customer reviews, so we may never know ... unless someone is brave enough to click that order button. No pressure, Felix.
Bullet vibrators are little more than a small battery and an even smaller motor in a more or less waterproof plastic casing. As tiny, slippery, cheap, and occasionally ill-manufactured things, they have a number of drawbacks when it comes to shenanigans: Not only are they almost impossible to handle without gloves or whatever when things get gooey, they're also small enough to have the ability to disappear and/or get stuck in a number of places most sex toys can only dream of. As such, they're mainly used externally, or as an attachable funmaker for various latex-y rings and contraptions.
And then someone comes along and starts specifically selling them as Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets.
That's a lot of uses for a $5 device, most of them physically impossible because these things are like 2 inches long, with no grip or handle whatsoever. What's more, the product comes in a variety of colors, just begging the unfortunate buyer to, uh, catch 'em all.
"Sir, it appears the blockage is buzzing violently."
I'm picturing a person entering the ER, not walking but gliding across the floor like a phone set on vibrate. In their nostrils, Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets. In their ears, Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets. Their hair is twisting like Medusa's, thanks to the dozen Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets stuck in there somehow. Their pelvic region is best left unspeculated.
And they reach the reception desk, nonchalantly (if rather jerkily) lean on it, and conspiratorially whisper to the receptionist: "I-i-i-it w-was a-a-a b-bargain."
Do you like fruit? Of course you do.
Have you ever wanted to fuck fruit? Of course you have not. And even if you had, why not get an actual fruit? They're not exactly difficult to come by -- they're the vividly colored items that are like the first thing you see when you enter a supermarket.
Oh, the real thing won't do? You require the finest artificial dongfruit that you can get for under 10 bucks? Sure, whatever, have a FunZone Mini Juicy Masturbator.
They come in "Raspberry," "Kiwi fruit," and "Orange," because if you're going to get juicy, you might as well go for the stuff that's normally too tiny to actually bone.
Look, I don't even care anymore. Guys, if your idea of a good time is sticking your dong in a suspicious eight-buck thing that is supposed to imitate a fruit somehow, more power to you. Still, unless your first and only sexual experience was Gonorrhea Sexmangler, pubic enemy #1, and as such you have sworn off all other forms of sex forever, I can't shake this nagging feeling that you could probably do better.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Follow him on Twitter.