8 Hilariously Insane Examples of Vladimir Putin Propaganda
Propaganda is like nuclear material: It can completely change the political landscape, it goes scarily out of control when you have too much of it, and Russia has way more than too much of it. When America wanted an action hero as president, they filmed Air Force One. According to the stories coming out of Russia, such effort is unnecessary when your country is run by Vladimir Putin. This is a man who can't even go diving without finding ancient Greek amphorae, and is so photogenic they've been magically scrubbed clean before he reaches the surface. The fact that government agents clearly planted the relics only makes it more impressive. He has operatives who secretly SCUBA to plant artifacts in the Black Sea, and instead of sending them to Tomb Raid or kill James Bond, he told them, "Your mission is to turn the rest of my life into a Make-a-Wish foundation highlight video."We've seen his incredible antics before . This time we're looking at the effects of a world leader using the international stage to show everyone how casually awesome you can pretend to be while keeping a straight face.
A Thousand Breasts For PutinOne man was allowed to grab a thousand breasts in a row because Putin. That was his entire strategy. Russian comedian Sam Nickel had a chance to shake hands with the Russian prime minister, wanted to pass on two kilotits of "positive energy and tactile experience" through his hands and kept a straight face while explaining that to a thousand women. He maintained a fierce scowl of concentration throughout the project, possibly to prevent himself from giggling, "It's working!" He actually tried it on five thousand women, proving that simply saying "Putin" gives you a 20 percent chance of getting to second base. That's one word per thousand gropes. Even pick-up artists don't claim rates that good, and desperation, bullshit and ridiculous online claims are their entire deal. He finished off this electronically-recorded 1,000-grab combo with a triple-hit-finisher, something which is normally the opposite of touching tits.
Here a fat sumo really would be a combo breaker.
Most world leaders are drawn by political cartoonists. Putin was drawn as a comic book hero by a man who seemed to be motivated by the question, "What if Superman actually did something constructive for a change, and also wasn't such a pussy?"
The Man of Steel dreams of a Man Who's Real.
The only difference with regular Russian news stories was
This is pretty much Friday night at the Cracked offices
When American presidents appear in comics, it's just to hang out with "real" heroes. Russians realize how insulting that is.
Obama saving a blue-collar worker
Putin Vodkas. Plural.
Russia has a massively popular vodka named after Putin, which would be like Obama releasing a burger that went on to outsell the Big Mac in America. He's just won at Russia. While a political vodka technically violates their separation of church and state, it does show that they've made up for all those communist years by out-capitalizing America.
American presidents get in trouble when women put them in their mouths.
"Putinka" is actually an affectionate diminutive form of Putin's name, and you'd need at least a bottle of high-end vodka in you before you tried to call Putin "babbums." It's no novelty product either -- it has
Available in "Skull," "Bear!" and "So strong you can't look directly at the liquid" versions.
Even Medvedev has his own vodka, which (predictably)
"He Must Be Like Putin"
Putin plans to boost Russia's falling birth rate, but no need to brace yourselves -- he's not doing it personally. Much to the disappointment of Russian women -- two of which formed a band to sing "He Must Be Like Putin," describing the qualities (well, quality) of their ideal man. A group hasn't gotten together to nail a guy so hard since 33 AD.While insecure rappers rent boats, stage lights and dozens of women to pretend that they're cool, for Putin the women go and film themselves in the hope he'll see. And they don't use editing, special effects or expensive props: They use stock news footage because he looks manly for real. The song opens with them immediately dumping their boyfriends in the hope of one day, maybe, meeting someone a bit like Putin. And by "a bit" they mean "an unconvincing stunt double voyeuring on us with a fat man."
This is how much Putin they'll settle for.
Related: 5 Streams That Went Horribly Wrong
Like Putin Video Game
Like Putin is the first flash game to feature a politician as anything but a very badly-mocked (and often literal) target. Putin literally leaps out of the headlines to fix things he doesn't like, making this the first video game character less powerful than the real thing, who gets to set headlines before they're printed. Usually by saving reporters from a charging tiger.
In the game he only beats up terrorists with his bare hands.
The Putin Army
By definition, a "Putin Army" would have to be something other than armed forces because he makes them superfluous. He's defeated tigers, whales and polar bears -- giving him extra troops on his side isn't just unnecessary, it's unsporting. Which is why the Putin Army started as "women who will take their clothes off for Putin." Berlusconi had to sell his entire government to get that. Putin has them volunteering online in the hope he might notice.They started with a post offering an iPad 2 to any girls who ripped up "something or someone" for Putin, but strongly hinted that it should be their clothes. By having girls meet at the waterfront to rip off their clothes. Russia doesn't screw around with hints (as anyone on their continent in the last century could tell you). As if opposition parties in Russia didn't have enough difficulties (like the justice ministry refusing to register them even when they're lead by a former prime minister), they now have to compete with breasts. This escalated to scantily clad students cleaning Russian cars for free in the streets and turning the male and female hosts of a Russian news network into characters from a cliche romantic comedy.
She's about to slap him and/because he's not even looking at her.
Asked To Award the MMA European Championship (Instead of Van Damme)
In what we can only take as a direct challenge by Putin to Cracked's resident manliest man, when Jean Claude Van Damme wants to watch mixed martial arts he brings Putin to make it more kickass.
Notice how Van Damme is thrilled to hang out while Putin wears the tolerating grin of a tired father.
The UFC fighters want to hang out with him too, because even people who take concussions for a living know that choke holds don't work against polonium-210 injections. Fyodor Yemelyanko is widely regarded as the greatest mixed martial artist of all time -- he's won more martial arts awards than China, was undefeated for almost a decade and he says
The Convent of St. Putin
Saint Putin. Let that idea sink in. Convent leader Svetlana Frolova has set up a
"Blessed sisters, I imagine that it is THIS BIG!"
It's also the worst possible publicity for Putin. His PR staff already spends 23 hours a day assuring people he's not turning the entire country into a cult, so an actual cult is bad news. Luckily, all of "Mother Fotinya's" followers are extremely old, and one of the religion's rules forbids modern medicine, so it shouldn't be a problem for long. Spokesman