Hey, thanks for the suggestion, guys!
So, if we're satisfied with that, on to Round 2!
Since I just got over the hangover from drinking enough fictional cocktails to kill a herd of moose, it makes perfect sense to do it again. Recovery is the body's way of asking you, "Is that all you got, p***y?"
Now, it would have been easy for me to learn from my mistakes and choose drinks that don't look threatening and won't tear up my insides. But I'm a man of the people. And the people insist that making and testing fictional cocktails isn't entertaining unless an ambulance is in my immediate future. So I combed through Facebook, Twitter, and the comments section of my last article and found some suggestions for some really wretched-looking garbage drinks.
However, before you ask: No, I didn't drink a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster from The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Not for lack of trying, but when Douglas Adams invented that cocktail, he had an entire universe to play with. Where the hell am I supposed to get Arcturan Mega-gin? I live in a place where it's illegal to sell alcohol in the grocery store, so we have two separate stores. My options are limited to what I can find around the house. That being said, the drink's effects are described as "similar to having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick." I had a lemon and a gold bracelet lying around, so I figured I'd give it a whirl.
And it went great!
So, if we're satisfied with that, on to Round 2!
I'm going to start this thing off nice and easy. And don't give me any s**t for it -- even MMA fighters start off training for stamina long before they learn how to apply a rear naked choke. Funky Juice is my stamina training. This drink is from the 30 Rock episode "It's Never Too Late For Now" as a signature drink for Liz Lemon.
No surprise here, Funky Juice is just dripping with funk! The good kind of funk, though, not the one that means depressed or smelly. FJ results in neither of those, as a matter of fact. If I had one criticism, though, it would be that you have to balance the two just right for the perfect combination. If you use too much soda, you just end up with wine-flavored Sprite that doesn't get you hammered. If you use too much wine, you end up with a drink that tastes like the wine you left out the night before but your "f**k it" attitude told you to drink the flat-tasting swill the next morning anyway. We've all been there, right guys?
Once you get that perfect balance, though, you are left with a pretty delicious beverage. I've never had a wine spritzer, but I'm pretty sure this would be a second or third cousin to that. However, Bruno Mars didn't write any songs about "Uptown Spritzer," so I think the Juice is the clear victor here.
So wine and soda are a winning combo! Which is great news, because the next item on my list is another soda-wine mashup. This time it comes from the Parks And Rec episode "End Of The World," which turns out to be quite the fitting title for this entry. You know that old saying, "never let your guard down"? Well, I let mine down because of the Funky Juice, and as a result my defenses and cognitive reasoning flew right out the window as I dove into the Nectar.
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Simple enough, right? A nice glass of wine complemented with your standard bottle of root beer. My initial process was to add a fair amount of the wine to the glass, then pour the same amount of root beer.
I should mention right about now that I filmed each of these in case something screenshot-worthy happened. I expected I would spit-take at least one of these drinks, but I was not expecting it to be the second f*****g one I tried.
I guess this is my way of saying this wasn't a very good drink. My first impression is that it tastes like something you know you shouldn't be drinking. Like a "mom locked this up under the kitchen sink so her stupid kids wouldn't drink it" kind of taste. I got the same bubbly wine sensation I got with the Funky Juice, but the two flavors don't complement each other in any way. Almost as if no one intended for mankind to combine sassafras, tree bark, and grapes into a liquid form. But I made my bed, and now I have to drink it.
I think the worst part of it was how it settled in my stomach. I felt the two wrestling down there almost the entire rest of the night. I can confirm that there is a generous number of sorrows that come with this nectar, and each one is worse than the last.
Did you know you can't get eggnog in the spring? I know, it seems like the nog industry wants to miss out on 11 additional months of sales. Luckily, I checked with some legal counsel, and it turns out there is currently no law against making your own eggnog at home whenever you want. Take THAT, Big Nog! I had the wife whip up a batch for me out of heavy cream, milk, eggs, and nutmeg, and it tasted just like Christmas come early. Or just super, duper late, I guess.
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So the eggnog was really good. The sake was really good. I mean, it essentially boils down to rice and eggs with a glass of milk on the side. Sounds like a nice little dinner to me. How bad could the drink be?
I don't know if you're seeing what I'm seeing there, so I took the liberty of getting a closer shot. LOOK AT IT.
It looks like so many different, disgusting things, and none of them are anything I would want to put in my mouth. And, you can actually hear the eggnog curdling in the glass. I had one of two choices: ditch this one and figure out another drink or down the thing before any more curdling happened. I chose the latter, because I've always been dumb. The results were ... OK?
Don't get me wrong, this drink is straight-up dildos. The consistency is all wrong, but at the same time, it gives your taste buds the weirdest sensation. I think both drinks have such different densities that no matter how much I stirred, it was not possible to mix them together. You can taste both of them separately in your mouth. I guess what I'm getting at is, it's not the worst thing I've ever had, but it is far from the best. The real problem lies in the aftertaste. Both of these drinks have a tendency to linger on the breath by themselves, and neither is very pleasant. When mixed together, they make your mouth taste like toes. I wish I could say something nice about this drink, but every time I attempt it I just look at that close-up image again and suddenly forget all the good in my life.
Let's address the elephant in the room right off the bat: The brand of absinthe I use isn't green -- it's more brownish in color -- so already this entry is fucked. Nevertheless, I soldiered on knowing that my Green Russian wouldn't be living up to its grand roots. This cocktail was invented by Pam Poovey in the "Swiss Miss" episode of Archer. The recipe seems simple enough.
I chose the skull glass because I thought it would match how I felt at the time with, like, six types of awful sloshing around my tummy.
Clearly the best remedy for that is to throw milk and licorice into the mix. My first big swig slapped me in the face with absinthe. I ended up using a lot more absinthe than milk in an attempt to give the shot at least a little color, and that may have resulted in a stronger drink than I intended. After a few more sips I began to wonder what I was worried about. It's like drinking a glass of Good & Plenty, also known as the only type of candy your grandmother's house ever seems to have. If I make this in the future, I'll probably stick to more absinthe than milk. It's a hell of a lot speedier of an operation than the preferred way to prepare absinthe.
I had always heard of Clamato juice, but I thought it was just a tale grown-ups spun to scare kids. Imagine my surprise when I picked mine up from the same aisle I buy delicious drinks like lemonade or fruit punch. But I'm celebrated for judging books by their covers, so I tried to go into this one with an open mind. Just kidding; I'm adding f*****g apricot to it.
In this classic episode of Cracked's Agents Of Cracked, a young Daniel O'Brien is presented with these two ingredients in an attempt to create "just the killinest thing they have." Look, I can't imagine I'm going to offend a whole lot of people when I say this, but Clamato juice is really not a very good beverage. Especially after starting with the brandy, which was charming.
But the Clamato, which is a word I've grown to just f*****g hate in the past half hour or so, made short work of that.
Only Cracked could have come up with something so vile it changes your view on religion. It's a bit like someone spilled vegetable soup into a fruit cocktail and then walked away without telling anyone. The Clamato hit me first, and I was almost thinking, "OK, I can handle this." Then I got a nice splash of the apricot and the full Clampricot Shandy experience. You know that stickiness brandy leaves on the roof of your mouth after you drink enough of it? It's like the Clamato juice infused with that stickiness, which then adheres to the roof of your mouth and never leaves. Ever. You have to admire that kind of resolve.
You do. I don't admire it one little bit.
No lie: When I looked at my list and saw the next drink, I yelled "m**********r" so loud that the dogs started barking about it. And I stand by my statement; this drink is an a*****e. Dr. Venture invented it for "A Very Venture Halloween" on The Venture Bros.
This tastes like something a high school bully would mix up in the lunch room then force me to drink. It begins with a little bit of the Knob Creek. I say "a little" because I'm not going to waste more than a bit of this fine Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey on something I know is going to taste like armpit hair.
Next came the ketchup. I actually kind of liked this part, because it reminded me of the slime bathtub scene in Ghostbusters II.
As far as the drink goes, I was unsure of who was correct. Pete said it had cola, but Venture said it was just ketchup and bourbon, so I decided it would only be fair to try both. I gave the ketchup a little swish around in the glass, which made me sad because the last time I did one of those it was with Skittles.
I took a sip of my new ketchup liquor and, as unbelievable as it may sound, it wasn't career-ending. This was already good booze, so I only had to deal with it being a little bit salty. Which was the opposite of what I was until I added the cola.
If you pour cola into a glass and the foam is red instead of its typical light-brown, it might be time to throw out that glass and find religion. Not this guy, though. He decided to down the whole glass in a foolish attempt to rescue the small amount of liquor that would have gone to waste.
I honestly don't know what happened here. The ketchup and I were getting along so well at first. Something went wrong as soon as the soda touched the rest of it. Maybe I wasn't expecting the salty cola combination, or maybe you're not supposed to put ketchup in soda, which is something they should really put on the bottle so s**t like this doesn't happen. At any rate, I'm confident in saying I did not enjoy this. But that's about the last thing I'm confident I recall about that evening. Between being totally full from the nog, ketchup, and root beer fiascoes, plus all the alcohol in the house, I was wrecked. If I tried any more drinks, I don't remember them.
I only remember the morning after.
You know when you eat a load of crap the night before and wake up wanting to throw up? Or how about when you drink wayyy too much the night before and wake up wanting to throw up? Well, it turns out combining the two and shoving them down your big, fat throat makes for some sort of double-whammy, s****y hangover turbo.
Feeling that sick and groggy was complete hogwash. But I knew that if my salvation was to come from anywhere, it was going to come from Back To The Future.
Green olive juice
In the movie, it looks like they just dump everything into the glass willy-nilly. I did the same thing, only I utilized the technological advancement of a blender to get everything intermingled properly. When I poured the olive juice, a few whole olives fell into the mix, and I swear to you that two of the f*****g things landed in the goop and looked up at me.
After blending it up, I was left with a red puddle of fiery mush. In the film, Marty sticks a funnel in Doc's mouth to get him to drink it. I didn't have a comically large, old-timey funnel lying around, so I used my beer bong. Here's a quick, three-frame progression of just how that went down.
So I recently got the iPhone 6, and I've gotta tell you, the microphone on that thing is stellar. In the video of me drinking this, you can hear me storm off, run to the bathroom down the hall, and wretch for about two and a half minutes. That's quality you really can't argue with. You also can't argue with the folks who put the concept of the Wake-Up Juice together; it woke me right the f**k up. I swallowed a good portion of it before I spit the rest of it back up. And if you think drinking it down is bad, just wait until it makes its way back up your throat-hose. Also, I tend to rub my eyes a lot when I'm puking up a lung, which is a super dumb idea when I just got done playing around with all that hot sauce. All in all, this drink is liquefied Hell.
I guess if you're one of those nerds who is able to see a silver lining on things, then you could argue that none of these drinks killed me. That's kind of a win. I'll live to fight another day and, on top of that, I've reinforced that old adage about not being a dope who tries everything he sees on TV. I do it so you don't have to, because I'm a stupid idiot.
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For more from Erik, check out 6 Fictional Alcoholic Beverages That Actually Get You Drunk and 6 Awful Things You Learn During A Rabies Scare.
This should have resulted in years of therapy.
Sometimes it's just a matter of making the US Department of Defense look, like, REALLY cool.
Actual impending doom like global climate change or mass extinction just makes people bored.