Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies

Even the deepest displays of on-screen camaraderie you've grown to enjoy could hide real-life enmity and feuding.
Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies

The problem with actors and entertainers is that their literal job description is to pelt us with fantasies and make-believe. As such, even the deepest displays of on-screen camaraderie you've grown to enjoy could hide a real-life shitshow of enmity and feuding. For instance, would you have believed that ...

The Guys Who Play R2-D2 and C-3PO Can't Stand Each Other

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies

C-3PO and R2-D2, the two longest-running characters in the Space Disney franchise, are famous for their constant, friendly bickering that almost-but-never-quite covers their underlying decades-running friendship. Their actors, on the other hand, wouldn't lend each other a shovel if they were buried in shit. The animosity between Kenny Baker, the guy hunching inside R2-D2, and Anthony Daniels, the dude wearing one of Lady Gaga's Grammy outfits, is older than Star Wars itself, given that its seeds were sown during the shooting of the first film.

Bizarrely, Daniels, who is easy to view as a polite and harmless extension of his character, comes across as the antagonist here. Behind the scenes, he's apparently a glaring Imperial officer type who refuses to socialize with his castmates, views Baker's tenure as R2-D2 as "basically a bucket," and seems to communicate exclusively with sneers and tactical ignorance. When Baker asks him to do a convention round, Daniels replies with a "Go away, little man." When Baker says "Hi," he replies by turning his back and giving a haughty "Can't you see I'm having a conversation?" Sadly, the source doesn't indicate whether he was actually talking to anyone at the moment. I like to think that he was just nursing a tea by himself.

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
Via Pinterest

You can hear the mutual scoffing from miles away.

In turn, Baker -- who, it should be noted, likes to talk about their rift with the media far more often than Daniels, so perceptions may be just a little bit skewed here -- freely throws shade at his robot partner, calling him boring, infuriating, and generally the rudest man he ever met. On the other hand, I'm going to go ahead and assume he's onto something, seeing as how recent years have also seen Daniels talking shit about Mark Hamill's appearance. Isn't it a travesty that the man dared to age several decades between Star Wars and The Force Awakens?

The hamster that lives inside BB-8 could not be reached for comment, but has been known to openly fart in both Baker and Daniels's general directions.

Robert Shaw And Richard Dreyfuss Feuded Throughout The Shooting Of Jaws

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
Universal Pictures

Robert Shaw was a Bond bad guy, a lifelong alcoholic, and an X-Men villain template -- in other words, the only guy believable enough to play the boozy, monster shark hunter Quint in Jaws. Richard Dreyfuss was a future Academy Award winner who would go on to have the greatest mashed potatoes scene in movie history. In hindsight, it was really just a matter of time before the two clashed. However, no one could have predicted their feud's intensity.

Shaw took a dislike to Dreyfuss early on, when he was pouring himself a whiskey and remarked that he'd give anything to be able to stop drinking. In a move that must have seemed super hilarious and clever at the time, Dreyfuss replied "OK," grabbed Shaw's drink, and threw it out of the window.

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
Universal Pictures

I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't use this excuse to post this photo.

Miraculously, Dreyfuss remained unmutilated after that incident. However, he was now on Shaw's radar. This wasn't an awful thing as long as he was sober -- as fellow cast member Roy Scheider points out, Shaw was a perfect gentleman as long as he was off the sauce. Unfortunately for Dreyfuss, Shaw had a tendency to get drunk between takes. And that's when he'd unleash his mischievous fury on his younger castmate.

Shaw needled Dreyfuss relentlessly and called him a coward. He dared Dreyfuss to climb the Orca's 70-foot mast and jump in the ocean for $1,000, and when he refused, Shaw kept slapping more money on the offer until director Steven Spielberg had to intervene. Other times, Shaw threatened Dreyfuss with a fire hose until the latter stormed away from the set. The bullying was constant, and while Dreyfuss did get enough jabs in to qualify it as a feud, he himself admits that Shaw won the battle: "He acted like he had my number. And he did. He made me doubt things I already knew."

Moral of the story: Never, ever fuck with a man's drink.

Tony Curtis Compared Marilyn Monroe To Hitler

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
United Artists

In 1959, Marilyn "I didn't actually say that quote" Monroe was mostly concerning herself with barbiturates, but that didn't stop her from filming one of her most acclaimed pictures: the classic "identity fraud will get you girls" romp Some Like It Hot. The shoot wasn't what you'd call smooth; Monroe was in full cloud cuckoolander mode throughout, so hopped on pills that it could take her dozens of tries to utter a single line, and her chemistry with co-star Tony Curtis went nigh-immediately to the pigs as a result.

In fact, Curtis was so fed up with Monroe that the only description he could think of her was of the Nazi variety. So when the unavoidable "How was it like to shoot romantic scenes with Marilyn goddamn Monroe, wink wink?" questions started rolling in, he bluntly replied that kissing her was "like kissing Hitler."

United Artists

You're mentally Photoshopping her with the mustache right now, aren't you.

In the years leading to Monroe's death and well after it, Curtis would keep alternately affirming and retracting his statement, his claims either painting Monroe as a horrible, mean bitch or attributing the whole thing to a wacky misunderstanding. Perhaps his weirdest claim came in his late-life autobiography, in which he suddenly asserted that the two were in fact heavily involved with each other in an on-set affair, and Marilyn was even carrying his baby (which she later tragically miscarried).

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
United Artists

Stay classy, Tony C.

Is there truth to any of this? I don't know. I also can't imagine why he would give such ridiculously contradictory statements over the years. However, I'm sure it totally had almost absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Monroe retorted to the Hitler comment by noting that she had to resort to sex fantasies and completely ignore Curtis to get through their more intimate scenes at all.

Michael Jackson Used Paul McCartney's Business Tips To Buy The Rights To His Music

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
Via Liberty Voice

Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Two musical juggernauts who leveraged their pasts in successful bands into highly successful solo careers. Two kindred spirits in a fast-moving world. Two skin colors rapidly approaching each other.

Jackson and McCartney first met in the 1970s, and struck up a fast friendship which led to several famous duets: "The Girl Is Mine" on Jackson's 1982 hit album Thriller, and "The Man" and "Say, Say, Say" on McCartney's slightly less classic 1983 album Pipes Of Peace. For years, their public image -- and, by their own admission, their friendship -- was basically this.

The seeds of their inevitable breaking apart were sown one night in 1981, when the more business-savvy McCartney showed Jackson a thick ledger filled with a huge list of songs he owned. Inspired by the fact that most of the Beatles' song copyrights had been signed off to Brian Epstein's Northern Productions, the future Sir Paul had developed a profitable business habit of buying the copyrights for songs by other artists, like Buddy Holly.

Jackson was blown away by his friend's business acumen, and got in the song-buying game with all his might. After a few years of feeding frenzy, including a fruitless effort to buy back the Jackson 5 catalog from Motown, his efforts finally struck platinum in 1985. Outbidding heavy hitters like Richard Branson and future Sony bigwig Marty Bandier, Jackson managed to acquire a large stake in the catalog of a publishing company called ATV.

Which owned Northern Productions.

Which owned the Beatles' back catalog.

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
20th Century Fox

"Son of a ..."

In all fairness, Jackson did attempt to create as little turmoil as possible. His people contacted both Yoko Ono (who gleefully backed him after telling him she didn't intend to bid because she didn't want to have to deal with McCartney) and Paul's people, knowing that McCartney wouldn't bid because, not unreasonably, he didn't want to spend tens of millions on songs that he fucking wrote for free.

Jackson's purchase was also hugely motivated by admiration. He repeatedly told his people that the catalog had to be his because these were the best songs ever written. Still, whatever his motivations, he had just bought the rights to the vast majority of his friend's legacy. McCartney, who had fully assumed Jackson was just joking about the acquisition, didn't take it well. "I think it's dodgy to do something like that," he commented on the buyout. "To be someone's friend and then buy the rug they're standing on."

The two men never spoke or collaborated again. While Jackson airily dismissed the entire event as "just business," McCartney made several un-McCartneyishly bitter comments about his former friend over the years. Though to be fair, the fact that, under Jackson, his life's work ended up selling fucking running shoes probably didn't help matters.

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies

Ryan Gosling And Rachel McAdams Hated Each Other On The Notebook Set

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
New Line Cinema

The Notebook was surprisingly powerful as soppy romance flicks go, thanks in no small part to the fact that it managed to cast Ryan "freaking" Gosling and Rachel "equally freaking" McAdams as the lead couple. Their sharp acting sensibilities and chemistry helped create one of the most flaming movie loves you can get without applying gasoline.

So of course they hated the shit out of each other on set.

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
New Line Cinema

It's almost as if it was the theme of this article or something.

The couple's real-life chemistry was so deeply negative that Gosling even stopped a large scene to demand that director Nick Cassavetes take McAdams away and bring in another actress because he "could get nothing from her." This wasn't just some frustrated read-through rant, either -- this happened in full view of 150 people, and likely McAdams herself.

Things escalated to a point where Cassavetes took his two stars, threw them in a room with one of the producers, and let them tear at each other, full blast. The director soon retreated from the screaming to have a quiet cigarette (and, presumably, some expletive-laden thoughts on the quality of his casting director). Eventually, everyone was out of hate-steam enough to commence shooting, and the combative duo managed to use their differences to create smoldering, acclaimed on-screen chemistry.

They then went on to date for years, because although they were shooting a good romance movie, they were evidently living in a horseshit rom-com all along.

The X-Files Turned David Duchovny And Gillian Anderson Into Monsters

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
20th Century Fox Television

Do you think that's a harsh header? Plot twist: It's actually a quote from Duchovny himself. Psych!

Back in the 1990s, we didn't really have internet, so pop culture discussion was mostly rumors and glossy magazine bullshit. Chief cast rumors of the era: Friends was the show where the actors got on super fine with each other, and The X-files was the one where the leading duo could barely stand each other.

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies
Bright/Kauffman/Crane/Warner Bros.

Which always seemed kind of counterintuitive.

This particular feud is peculiar, because it wasn't brought on by anyone being a dick per se. It's just that when you shoot 16-hour days in ass-swamp locations, repeatedly, for years and years, things are bound to get difficult. Looking at the timeline of their on-set difficulties paints a picture of two actors so deeply stuck in / committed to a show and the various contract disputes that come with it that their relationship couldn't help but develop some pretty deep cracks.

The X-files debuted in 1993. By 1996, the stars were already talking about their tendency to turn "psychotic" on set. After that, words like "strained" and "we have our moments" started getting thrown around, and videos of said strained moments started emerging in the form of award shows. Here's Duchovny calling Anderson "the best co-star anyone can hope for" at the 1997 Golden Globes, enticing the winning entry for the Eye-Rolling Olympics from Anderson.


Here's Anderson giving her acceptance speech, not bothering to mention Duchovny at all.

Accidental? Coincidental? Maybe, but there were plenty of such incidences, and over time, small streams become rivers. By 2000, their relationship was so apathetic and strained that Chris Carter himself suggested they should probably see somebody. Yes, the creator of The X-Files once tried to get his stars into couples therapy.

Alas, sometimes the only healer is time. Duchovny left the show after that season, and everyone did their own shit for a good while. And reading their amiable interviews and wisecracking Reddit AMAs these days, it's difficult to think of a time when the stars of X-files weren't joking around and freely shipping the various R-rated activities their characters went about during their off time.

The Original Star Trek Cast Is A Dysfunctional Shitshow (Thanks To One Man)

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies

Yeah, turns out Wars and Trek have more in common than constant fandom slapfights and J.J. Abrams.

If you've ever paid attention to the dynamics of the OG Star Trek TV show, you probably have a fair idea of whose face is going to pop up in the next image when I say that the series had certain ... issues with its personnel dynamic.

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies

"Come ... on, can't you even ... act surprised?"

Hi, William Shatner! Your former colleagues kind of hate your ass. It's no secret that the man behind Captain James T. Kirk was a fan of cameras lingering on him, as opposed to them pointing at literally anything else. However, the amount of alienation this has caused between him and his fellow Original Series alumni makes you wonder if Shatner spent 90 precent of his time on set wandering around pantsless and screaming strangely enunciated obscenities at his colleagues.

James "Scotty" Doohan said he seriously considered punching his good Captain on multiple occasions. Nichelle "Uhura" Nichols famously participated in Shatner's roast, laying down jokes-but-not-quite such as: "People say you're a pompous, arrogant, egotistical, self-centered, narcissistic jerk. I don't think you're narcissistic." Seeing as she was once on the verge of quitting the show because of Shatner's rampant douchebaggery and it took a pep talk from Martin Luther King Jr. to make her stay, she probably knew what she was talking about.

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies

One of the few things MLK supported that didn't land him in a world of trouble.

The most visible Shatner critic today is without doubt media multi-presence George "Sulu" Takei. Despite the fact that Takei himself insists that whatever tension there may be comes from Shatner alone, he's also quick to point out his former Captain's failings as a team player and tendency to drum up whatever feud he has going whenever he needs a little attention. In the blue corner, Shatner is convinced that Takei harbors a grudge against him, and has gone on record reprimanding his ex-colleague with, fuck it, I'll just quote the guy: "Poor man. There is such a sickness there. It's so patently obvious that there is a psychosis there."

This was in retaliation to his not being invited to Takei's wedding. Which he had been invited to, but never RSVP'd for.

Scully Hates Mulder: 7 On Screen Friends, Real World Enemies

By now, I'm pretty sure this is what Shatner sees whenever he closes his eyes.

And then there was Spock. Though they were rock-solid friends for the vast majority of their lives, Leonard Nimoy and Shatner feuded throughout the original series in deliciously petty ways. As Spock became more and more popular, Shatner started convincing the show makers to give some of the Vulcan's smarter lines to Kirk, a practice he'd also use on the other characters, to the point where Takei suggested Shatner wouldn't be happy until everyone else was gone and Star Trek was a monologue. Before long, things got petty. Shatner kept stealing the bicycle Nimoy used to get around the studio premises to wind him up. Meanwhile, Nimoy no doubt totally innocently arranged a photo shoot in the makeup room while Shatner was having his hairpiece applied, causing the latter to freak right the hell out.

As you may know, these little spats eventually turned into a 50-year friendship, which seemed cast in iron until the men arbitrarily fell out in Nimoy's final years. Shatner chose not to attend his friend's funeral.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

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