But with your own small reserve of wisdom and wealth, you'll now have the opportunity to pass yourself off as a dragon. By equipping yourself with nothing more than a couple of smoke bombs, a lisp, and a children's book of riddles, you should be able to claim that you are yourself a dragon to anyone who isn't looking too closely. At which point you will, obviously, swindle the elderly.
A lot of my columns end with swindling the elderly, and I'm sorry for that, but this is me living my best possible life.
Why would you do this, other than for greed and chuckles? Remember, the elderly have been around for thousands of years, and knew about the dragons. They even tried to warn us about the dragons, but it was really boring, and no one wanted to hear it. So really, this is as much their fault as anyone else's.
Anyway, once you've justified it to yourself -- and honestly, don't knock yourself out doing so -- you'll get to the swindling. Lacking the cunning or fire breath of an actual dragon, you won't be able to execute any of the complicated wealth-building scams they perform, but there's nothing stopping you from a simple protection scheme. "Give me your money or I'll eat your precious grandchildren," that kind of thing. But don't use that. Do something better.
"Give me your money or I'll ... heat your precious grandchildren."
After that, it's simply a matter of using your ill-gotten wealth to acquire an Arby's, use its powers to access the space between spaces, and then move on to the next world, where you will be the dragon.
Where you will acquire riches and damsels to your taste.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and is feared and reviled on many planes. The author of the science fiction novel Severance, his next novel, Freeze/Thaw, is available right now! Holy shit! Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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