4

You Don't Know How To Measure Time

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Oscar Wilde famously said that he spent all morning taking a comma out of his poem and all afternoon putting it back in. Like many famous quotes, it's total bullshit, but the sentiment is actually perfect, because time and creative work have a totally different relationship than most people think.

When I was first starting out as a freelancer, writing for a half dozen sites and a couple magazines that all paid me different rates, it was really tempting for me to try to figure out how much money I made per hour. I'd calculate how long I spent writing every day, how many articles I sold, do some quick division, and then end up with a number that was a) very depressing and b) totally useless. Because time spent developing a writing skill isn't just mindless office work that could be measured with a dollar value; it's more like leveling up in an RPG. You don't measure your progress in Fallout by how many radscorpions you've bludgeoned to death; you measure it in experience points. But even that doesn't really tell the whole story.

You also want to factor in the names of your weapons.

Creating a piece of legendary art at the level of quality that Bus Stabber Jim is destined for demands effort. You need to slave over a keyboard, coming up with a rich backstory. That means typing out tons of ideas until your brain feels like mush and then realizing that all your ideas are garbage and having to rework them the next day. But somehow, even though it doesn't always feel like it, progress is being made. Bus Stabber Jim can't just live on a bus forever. He's going to have to be driven out by some kind of inciting incident, like meeting a pretty girl or maybe a new bus driver who refuses to put up with all his stabbings. "Maybe you could stab like that back when Billy Tunnel-Vision drove the 336," the new bus driver says, "but I'm Hawkeye Steve, and ain't no stabbin' happenin' on my watch, no siree. You're just going to have to go elsewhere."

3

You're Worried About Having Your Stuff Stolen

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If you make something, someone's going to rip you off. This phenomenon is best illustrated by this Nedroid comic, which people on Imgur often take credit for creating because they think this makes them in on the joke:

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2

You Believe In Writer's Block

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Have you ever had writer's block? Congratulations! You don't have to be a creative person anymore! Go get a real job in accounting. Never stress about whether or not your ideas are hackneyed and played out. Be attentive to your romantic partner and kind to your children.

When someone asked Cracked Editor Robert Evans about "writer's block" at a panel we did together, his reply was, "Writers like coming up with terms, so we invented a whole new one for 'procrastination,' even though we didn't need to." And it's true: Writing is the only task where people think putting off doing it is an essential, even noble, part of the process. Nobody has ever died because their doctor had surgeon's block. Adolescents aren't starving to death in the halls of their school because the cafeteria team has cafeteria team's block. Imagine complaining to your boss about burger flipper's block. You get the idea.

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"Sorry, guys, I have 'pretend you aren't all asshole' block."

1

You're Taking Too Much Advice

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The Internet has roughly 10 times as many people giving advice as it does people who are actually making things. For example, me. Hello. Also for example, every comment below this article.

But this advice doesn't make sense without any context, so until you've actually tried making something, it's all gibberish. How far are you into your project? Is it your first one? Then stop reading right now and go finish it. None of this advice makes any sense until you have an experience to hold it up against. You have no idea if I'm completely full of shit or not until you've done something that you're proud of and you want to improve upon. You can't even begin to comprehend what, or who, I am.

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For all you know, I'm this.

Bus Stabber Jim is out there, in an alley. He's smoking a cigarette, stroking the blade of his knife, and chatting up a dame. The sickly streetlights cascade a filthy glow over both of them. The bus is approaching, and Jim's gonna lead this poor, innocent woman on board, and then what's going to happen? Will he stab her, and continue his streak of senseless violence? Or will his intended victim fight back, knocking the knife from his hands and wrestling him to the floor of the bus to pummel his face bloody with her kitten heels? Will the ruckus cause Hawkeye Steve to lose his focus on the road, and send the 336 Bus tumbling down a cliff, into a ravine full of rabid, overgrown sugar gliders? Will the driver, the stabber, and the damsel then be forced to work together to escape this dark fate? Or will nothing happen at all, ever, and will all your ideas -- some of which are even better than this Bus Stabber Jim nonsense -- come to nothing? Will all this and more be lost, like tears in the rain, or pee in a vat of Bud Light?

Spoilers: It's the second one, because you're wasting your life dicking around on the Internet instead of making something cool. God, you make me sick.

JF Sargent is an editor for Cracked and every bit as obnoxious in real life. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.

Need an extra kick to get out there and make art stuff? Read 5 Tips For Punching Writer's Block In The Face, and then go out there and work! Still here? Fine, here's one more: 5 Writing Exercises That Will Make You More Creative. Now go write!

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