5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)

Everyone loves a good dick joke. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't enjoy an errant wang or boner mishap as a glimmer of mirth and merriment in my day. Unfortunately, not all dick stories have happy endings. Sometimes, what starts as a cock joke just gets out of hand, and your dicks are up to their nuts in serious -- even legal -- ramifications. For instance ...

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5
A Guy Got His Dong Chomped By A Spider -- Twice

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)mikdam/iStock/Getty Images

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"I'm the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment," said the guy who got his dick bit by a spider two times within five months. In order for that to happen, you'd imagine the guy and his dong were roaming into spider-infested areas, taunting the creepy multi-legged freaks as they went, inciting them into violence to provoke some kind of race war between man and spider. If only the story were that cool.

The man, identified only as Jordan, is a tradesman in Australia who was working at a construction site. He made a stop off at a portable toilet to do his business, when a redback spider felt threatened by Jordan's dangling dong and unleashed its wrath upon it. The redback is closely related to the black widow spider, meaning Jordan's dong was now chock-full of venom. Luckily, all he needed was a little antivenom, and he was back to normal ...

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)KathrynWillmott/iStock/Getty Images
It's like a horror movie happening right there on your penis.

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Until five months later, when he went to cop a squat in another portable toilet on a construction site and got his dong munched upon by yet another spider. He didn't take the time to closely examine this spider, so there's no telling if it was also a redback. I guess you could only get spiderbitten on the cock so many times before you stop paying attention to the finer details. The idea of a spider hiding in a toilet just waiting to strike your manhood is scary enough, so let me make it scarier by presenting Jordan's reaction to having been bit on the dong yet again:

"I was like, 'I can't believe it's happened again.' I looked down and I've seen a few little legs come from around the rim."

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That's why I poop standing up.

4
This Guy's Dong Ruined His Olympic Dreams

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)NBC Universal

We've all been sabotaged by a dick at least once in our lives. I remember one time, I was on a long bus ride across country, and this dude next to me asked if I wanted to see his bearded dragon. I learned a lesson that day, let me tell you, and I hate Greyhound to this day. But that aside, imagine your own dick conspiring against you, plotting its grubby little master plan to finally be the big shot of the duo, to no longer play second fiddle to the asshole with thumbs and an asshole and take its rightful place in the spotlight. Maybe as an Olympian. Or maybe as the schlong that ruined one.

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Hiroki Ogita, Japanese pole vaulter, had his eyes on the gold in Rio. Hopefully, he had an eye on that filthy water and terrible crime as well, but at least one eye was on the gold he wanted to win. That's what athletes do -- they focus. Unfortunately for Ogita, as he took to the stage before the whole world -- or at least, the insanely small percentage of it that watches pole vaulting, as if that were a thing people do -- and went over the bar, his thighs began to brush against it. And then, as a final insult, his dick literally snagged the bar like a fishhook catching a bass, dragging the thing down to the ground to meet failure.

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The media fell in love with this story because it's extremely rare that anyone's dreams, based on a solid four years of preparation and devotion, are so readily destroyed by their own genitals, and also because in the video, it basically looks like his dick reached out and bitch slapped that bar, like it was pissed off it was in the way of its floppiness.

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)NBC Universal
His dong is a nose giving the pole a deep sniff.

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Ogita's original reaction was of despair, claiming the media was treating him poorly and making a mockery of him, until he also watched the tape and admitted that shit was funny. To train for four years, to give up everything to try to be the best, only to have your junk show up and be like "Nah, fuck that!" like an obnoxious, drunken uncle stumbling into the room at Christmas and knocking the tree over, is just stunning.

3
This Guy's Penis Has A Self-Destruct Timer

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)Aleksandr Lobanov/iStock/Getty Images

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The movie Speed is probably in the top three movies ever about speeding buses. It has action, it has Keanu, and it introduced the world to Sandra Bullock, who went on to make lots of movies your mom likes, such as Practical Magic and Something Else, Maybe. It also set the stage for the kind of intensity one has to face when their actions are all controlled by unchangeable numbers. If the bus drops below 50 mph, everyone dies. Likewise, this anonymous BroBible fan could only use his penis 100 more times before it withered to a nub and fell off like a bad tomato on the vine.

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)MGM Studios
Let us pray his penis rises like a phoenix from the flame, which itself rises like the Speed bus from an explosion.

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According to his email, our dick-on-a-timer friend suffered from idiopathic fibrosis of the corpora cavernosa. If you know medical speak, you know "idiopathic" means "huh?" because doctors really have no clue why this is happening. The rest is just a description of the thing they can't explain -- "fibrosis" meaning the buildup of scar tissue, and "corpora cavernosa" meaning your boner, or what will become your boner when it fills with blood. Unfortunately for this dude, every boner he gets causes internal scarring, until bam! No more boners. And all doctors can do is nod and say "hmm" and invite medical students to do the same while this guy has to live in abject fear 24/7.

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Imagine having limited boners -- like a pack of Skittles, only so much more life-affirming and important. Every Skittle you give away brings you that much closer to the end of a pack you will never, ever refill. And worse, you give away Skittles against your will. One day, you're walking down the street and see this incredible-looking woman in tight jeans and a shirt that says "look how cold it is!" and you just lost a cherry Skittle. For nothing!

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)markcarper/iStock/Getty Images
A pile of boners.

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Imagine waking up at 6 a.m., and you roll over in bed and feel that uncomfortable squish, and realize you gave away a goddamn Skittle in the middle of the night. You weren't even conscious! Your own body is an asshole, and doesn't know or care that this is a limited engagement.

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Did you have any idea this was a thing that could happen to you? Do you have any idea how you'd manage it if it did? This is the kind of thing people need to know. Important people. People who can reset that clock. The cock clock.

2
Ronda Rousey's Imaginary Dick Lawsuit

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)UFC

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This dong comes to us from the world of MMA, which you probably think is full of dong already, because those guys don't wear much, and it must have happened at least once during a submission hold that someone's dick flopped out right on another guy's cheek. I mean, it has to have happened, right? But far more bizarre than an errant cheek-to-dick tap-out is the handwritten lawsuit filed against Ronda Rousey by a man claiming to know definitively that she's a man named Ronald in full possession of a functioning penis.

Yes, any jackhole with the manual dexterity to hold a pencil-sized piece of poop can hand-write a lawsuit, so that doesn't really give this story any credence, but let's enjoy the fact someone in our legal system had to read and file this and let a judge decide that it was moronic before the whole thing was tossed away.

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GB White claims he's a whistleblower who fears Rousey will use her kickboxing and Judo skills to kick his head into submission once word gets out about the whistle he's blowing. As such, he needs a restraining order. As for that whistle? The dick whistle, of course!

You see, Rousey is cheating the American people, because she is, White claims, really a dude, and that ruins the face of female MMA, because it is dishonest and unpatriotic. For evidence, he will submit a photo of Rousey in a Speedo showing off her junk, as well as evidence that she used her winnings from fights to get a penis enlargement. She doesn't just have a dick; she paid to have her dick made bigger.

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)UFC
"She can beat my ass, therefore she must be packing some meat."

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The suit also alleges that Rousey buys steroids from Barry Bonds and had an affair with A-Rod. She also made a sex tape with another MMA fighter which shows her penis, and this guy has the only copy. He also has her birth certificate, confirming that her name is Ronald Rousey and her father is Ron Jeremy. Can you believe it? This man is concerned with the consumer fraud being committed by a dude fighting as a woman and the potential harm his competitors could come to. It all makes perfect dick sense. Enlarged dick sense, even.

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Sadly, nothing has been mentioned of this lawsuit since it was filed, meaning Mr. White probably did have his head judo-kicked clean off by Rousey.

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1
Hulk Hogan Testifies About The Length Of His Dick

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)WWE

Who has the bigger dong: You, or the character you play on TV? This argument became central to an actual human court case, and we will forever be changed as a result of it thanks to Hulk Hogan -- the man, the myth, the size-changing penis.

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As most of you should be aware, Hulk Hogan was the bald man who pretended to not be bald for 20+ years by wearing a bandana and a distracting handlebar mustache while shouting "What'cha gonna do, brother!?" and other catchphrases about vitamins in the WWE/F. He was one of the original wrestling superstars, and while many athletes agree he couldn't actually wrestle his way out of a wet sack, the man had charisma and could work a crowd.

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)WWE

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Sometime later in his career, when grunting and grappling with greasy men was no longer appealing and/or profitable, the Hulkster took to grunting and grappling with a lady, which was then caught on tape and became part of a big scandal in the man's life. We can skip most of the sordid details and focus on just one: how Hulk, under oath, explained to a court that he did listen to an audio recording of himself discussing penis size. But it was not his penis size he was discussing -- it was Hulk Hogan's.

For those confused: Hulk, under oath, is not Hulk. He wasn't born with that name; that's his stage persona. He's Terry Bollea, a man who has long played Hulk Hogan. So when Terry was under oath, he explained to lawyers that they were discussing the size of Hulk's dick. Terry, you have to understand, does not have a 10-inch penis. But Hulk does. This was in the midst of a $100 million defamation suit, incidentally, so this was pretty serious testimony, despite how completely ridiculous everything I'm describing sounds.

5 Penis Based Incidents You Shouldn't Laugh At (But Will)WWE

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At no point in the trial does anyone ask how Hulk can have a bigger dick than Terry, and that's probably just as well. Hulkster actually won this lawsuit, despite having some kind of mystical unicorn dong, and was awarded $140 million by a jury -- a sum so intense that it actually destroyed Gawker media. Hulk Hogan and his two dicks fucked Gawker into financial oblivion, and that's not a bad thing.

If that left you wondering what it's like to be dongless, let us paint you a word picture in 6 Things I Learned Having My Penis Surgically Removed and find who's having a GOOD dong day in 5 Animals That Can Do Amazing Things...With Their Penises.

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