That's ... aw, Datta, c'mon, dude. There's nothing wrong with you. You're a decent-looking guy, you obviously have a successful professional life, you grow an excellent mustache. Why don't you try talking to a lady without the gold shirt? You don't want a woman who loves you only for your shiny metal style.
Ohhhh, wait. I get it. The shirt's just an excuse to surround himself with manly bodyguards so he can pull off the cheerleader effect.
You know, it's probably the nicest gold shirt you could commission.
I can't hate this. He's forthright about how much he loves gold, and he points out he'd rather have this than some sports car. At least he didn't make the rich-guy mistake of thinking that buying something badass makes you a badass. Phuge took the time to commission something that excites him personally.
Last of all, ladies and gentlemen: gold-plated poopy pills.
To be fair to artists Tobias Wong and Ju$t Another Rich Kid, these aren't intended to bring a faint glow of what used to be called joy to what used to be the hearts of the decadent rich. They're artistic commentary on indulgence and consumerism that appeared in the Museum of Modern Art (the art world's richest source of both gold and shit). But you just know someone will buy them to take a post-ironic poop.
A pretty accurate portrait of post-irony, to be honest.
Anyway, intent doesn't matter, because $425 is way too much to spend on gilding your shit. The same effect can be had with a shot of Goldschlager, and that only costs $6 and the bartender's respect.
But why even ingest precious metals? If you'd prefer not to make the effort yourself, artist Terence Koh will gold-plate his poop for you.
How It Gilds the Lily:
Excrement is useful if you're a farmer or a bug or a sewer technician. For everyone else it exists only to get the hell away from us and occasionally hurl at our foes. Its function, by definition, is to get rid of it. Even babies are experts at this. It's so easy to do that sometimes it occurs when we least want it to. But these folks have invented a way to disable nature itself by making poop too precious to lose. Or gold too disgusting to keep. Either way, there are people in developing nations whose yearly income is less than one session on the toilet.
Ironically, it's the perfect gift for people who couldn't give a shit.
The world has no shortage of maniacs and slobs, and where the two intersect are hundreds of names we'll never hear, saving their waste in pickle jars and thinking, "At last! This is the one that will make me rich." But for one of those maniacs, that actually happened, and now we can never call those people crazy again. Thanks so much, Terence Koh. You broke art and psychology in one gesture.
Chelsea Lauren/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
A feat equal to three L. Ron Hubbards.
Brendan doesn't have the Midas touch, but he does have the ears of a donkey. Call him an ass on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.
We struck gold before in 5 Real Buried Treasures That Can Make You Rich (or Kill You) and 4 Insane Solutions to America's Biggest Problems.