Teens will respect and admire anyone who approaches them in this manner.
Then, using adult language with no current slang, provide no advice, guidance, kind words, or anything that makes literal sense. Just moan a riddle about dinner or something.
Finally and most importantly ...
Always Sit Down In A Chair Backwards
Any time you want to converse with a teen or group of teens (a "murder") you should always sit down in a chair backwards, straddling it.
But without the teeth, you maniac.
This is a classic move that is widely, if not always, misinterpreted. It is not, as is widely believed, meant to make you look cool. No cool person has ever sat in a chair like this (the coolest way to sit in a chair involves landing in a recliner pretty hard so that its footrest comes up, flipping sunglasses perfectly onto your face). No, this is simply a defensive measure, putting a hard object between you in case the teen attacks.
No, Chortson! Control yourself!
Because teenagers are trying to figure things out for themselves, and, uh, hormones, and probably video games too, they're basically always just seconds away from violence. And as their bodies are young and supple, like coiled springs, any conversation with a teen is a potentially deadly one. This is why for generations now professional teen-handlers have always sat in chairs this way, keeping their feet flat on the floor with a shield in front of them to defend themselves from teens' vicious, snapping beaks.
And that's it. If you follow these simple steps, you'll be able to have safe, meaningful conversations with teenagers, and you will soon realize why most people never bother.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, and his door is always open if anyone wants to discuss their changing body. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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