5 Reasons Cracked Loves America (A Message to the FBI)

5

Percentage of Questionable Content

America is a tune.  It must be sung together.  ~Gerald Stanley Lee

First off, the amount of anti-government propaganda produced by Cracked is really rather small; for every scathing tirade we publish regarding the injustices inflicted upon the common man by a corrupt empire, there are precisely eighteen thousand essays about why we, as grown men, still care deeply about action figures. In terms of sheer volume, the amount of treacherous content that the Cracked engine belches out from its furnace of rapier-witted man-boys is entirely negligible. Even if our readers

4

Likelihood of Revolutionary Action

A man's country is not a certain area of land, of mountains, rivers, and woods, but it is a principle; and patriotism is loyalty to that principle.  ~George William Curtis As Cracked authors, we primarily write for a demographic of twenty-something middle-class white males - notoriously the most content and apathetic demographic imaginable, falling just short of post-orgasmic Pillsbury Doughboy on the “likelihood of revolutionary action” scale. I could post absolute, irrefutable proof that every single government conspiracy from the JFK assassination to the fake moon landing was true and, unless this proof was well under 1500 words and all on one page, not one single person would actually read the entire thing. The atrocities and injustices that, in other gathering places, would single handedly spark a revolution will, within these relatively sticky halls, be simply considered ‘tl' and thusly 'dr.'

3

The Lesser of Two Evils

There are those, I know, who will say that the liberation of humanity, the freedom of man and mind, is nothing but a dream.  They are right.  It is the American dream.  ~Archibald MacLeish Let’s face it, United States Government: The internet wants to take you down. The only thing more popular than anti-American news stories on the internet is titties - and titties are more popular than everything on anything, so that doesn’t really count. Even if you have an elite anti-comedy SWAT team out there devoted solely to eliminating the ever-increasing menace of Wikipedia-quoting fancy-boys - we’re nowhere near as bad as those guys at Funny or Die. Seriously, take my word for it, every other video on that site is a terrorist how-to film. Take a look at what they posted just yesterday: A video titled “Death to the Corrupt American Empire (Starring Will Ferrell!)" That link doesn’t seem to work right now (they must have pulled it as soon as they noticed you were looking,) but lucky for you I took a screencap.

2

Validity of Source

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.  ~Elmer Davis

We here at Cracked are, first and foremost, Comedy Writers - not ‘Fact Checkers’ or ‘Researchers’ or ‘Science Understanders’ - we try to write humorously about interesting things and, in the process, often end up referencing disputed facts, unreliable sources, or simply making some shit up at the last minute because we spent our research time drinking Russian cologne when the guy at the liquor store refused to sell to us just because we frequently come in wearing nothing but a beer hat and a smile (and sometimes not even the smile.) In a nutshell: Our credibility is shot. For example, take this article I wrote about comic books . It is simply riddled with inaccuracy, disinformation, and mean-spirited lies. Clearly, I wrote this article with an anti-comic book agenda that was barely concealed beneath a thin veneer of incompetency. And that was something as trivial as comics! Imagine our validity as a political source! We could post live streaming video of Obama selling children to starving alien soul-rapists, accompanied by a certificate of authenticity signed by the ghost of George Washington himself and we would still be called a Photoshop. I’m not sure exactly why people call us that, but I assume it means something akin to 'liar.' So don’t worry about us! We have all the believability of The Boy Who Cried Wolf if, instead of a boy, he was a functionally retarded blind man and, instead of a wolf, he was crying Loch Ness Sasquatch Elvis.

1

It was DOB

"I was brought up on the street / I'm facing up to freedom / And chasing down my dream / I was made in America." -Jon Bon Jovi Seriously, it was DOB. Did you guys not see this? Look at it! He’s a traitor! We're not even a real website! It was all a sting! An elaborate ruse to sniff out the traitor in our midst! McCarthy forever, betrayal never! Better dead than red! These colors don’t run! Never forget! Buy American! Uh…Thunder Road!

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Find Robert on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots, which is nothing but fan-art of Thomas Jefferson riding Bald Eagles in front of 9/11.