My friends and co-workers are constantly amazed by how tech-illiterate I am, despite practically existing in various layers of intra- and extranets and regularly working on computers of both Mac and PC varieties. Not in a "grandpa forgot how to use the remote again" kind of way -- I can find my way around most programs and apps and online environments just fine. But when it comes to hardware, I have this small monkey in the engineering part of my brain that starts dancing and banging a drum whenever someone starts talking about ROMs and RAMs and graphics cards and whatever tiny gnomes have made the magic box their home.
This doesn't mean that I fear or despise computers. In fact, I think they're awesome, and I have nothing but respect for the people who build theirs out of scratch and constantly update their Internettin' machine with new parts and whatnot. A well-put-together computer is a piece of art.
And then someone goes and graffitis the shit out of Mona Lisa.
"Could you ever be angry at a picture of steak?"
"Of course not."
-Me, to myself, five minutes ago.
Like truck nuts on a Ferrari, Liil Graphic Keyboard instantly reduces your glorious computer into a source of impotent shame that you yourself find difficult to approach with anything but utmost caution, lest that food-laden print hide a spider or perhaps a dragon. The interface between you and the online world, once meant to be sleek, ergonomic, and functional, has been reduced to the exact opposite. No matter what's happening on your screen, your eyes are going to keep returning to the "cheap, framed poster in a shitty Italian restaurant" photo that resides under your fingers, which you'll keep instinctively wiping on your pants to clean them from the grease that your brain insists comes from the meat you keep pounding but is really leaking from the elderly meatball sub you dropped on your keyboard last week but haven't been able to locate thanks to its food camo.
Oh, and of course there are more pictures. Here, have a pretty fish:
Hahahahaha, oh God. I hope the FBI keeps a careful tab on everyone who orders that one, or anything from this company at all, for that matter. Not that it's a long list; there's no way anyone ever buys a print keyboard unless, say, some sociopathic bastard decides to browbeat them into making custom Goatse-print keyboards for everyone.
Be right back; updating my Christmas gift list.
Pauli is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter
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