4 Real Products That Prove We Can Ruin Anything

Making a defective product is ridiculously easy. Hell, even a tiny baby can make a cake that cannot be eaten. What takes true talent is designing a product with malfunctions that reach above and beyond the realm of the possible. Maybe you're designing a safe and neat car that just happens to attract hordes of spiders. Maybe your brand new safety holster causes guns to randomly fire themselves.

Or maybe, just maybe, you came up with a product so terrifyingly vile that it doesn't just train-wreck itself, but actively pisses ruin all over the great thing it's supposed to honor.

#4. The Alcohol That Ruins Booze

Whipped Lightning

Our world is made of many things, most of which are completely fine on their own. But combine them with other concepts and they can easily turn into things of pure, primal horror: beer and base-jumping, kindergarten and meteorites, toothpaste and orange juice. That's why we have chefs and interior decorators and folks who are really good at Tetris. They're the people who are great at finding things that go well together, a valuable skill that surprisingly few of us possess.

The mad scientists who presumably invented Whipped Lightning to finance their bouts with Batman certainly don't.

Whipped Lightning
In case you can't make it out and feel like punching something, that label reads "hazelnut espresso whipahol."

Whipped Lightning is flavored whipped cream that's 36.5 proof. As in, it's got alcohol in it. Now, your gut reaction might be to jump up and scream: "I can't tell if Whipped Lightning is a new kind of alcohol or the title for a new Steven Seagal movie where this time he has a whip, but, either way, HOLY SHIT, I AM ON BOARD!" It's all right -- that's what I did at first, too. But when you sit back and really think about the concept, you may spot some itty bitty cracks in its facade.

It's true that the idea of a whipped cream that can get you shitfaced is, on paper, a wonderful one. But have you ever tasted anything dairy-based that has alcohol in it? There are two ways that can go, and unless you're following a pre-existing recipe, there's a fair chance that your ouzo-yogurt experiment will wind up a curdled blob that you insist on naming the Royal Flush, despite the fact that it looks like hobo underpants and tastes like hobo feet.

Thinkstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images
This is the one that alcoholic eggnog for Christmas comes from.

That's the score with Whipped Lightning: It manages to take the good things of whipped cream (sweetness, texture, ability to gorge on until it looks like you have a miniature iceberg coming out of your mouth) and the good things of alcohol (alcohol) and throw them all right out of the window. What's left is an ugly spray can filled with artificially flavored muck that tastes like chemicals and rubbing alcohol.

I'm guessing the taste aspect could probably be overlooked (by frat boys, if no one else) if this thing would work like shots and you could get loaded with just a few mouthfuls. But although 36.5 proof is by no means a bad toxicity score for a dessert frosting, this still leaves it with no more kick than, say, fortified wine. And I can't shake the feeling that even the most dedicated I-drink-because-I-hate-myself wino would seriously consider sobriety if the other option requires them to chug a wine bottle's worth of pressure-packed udder pudding that tastes like licking a hospital.

#3. The Butt Flap That Makes Your Dog a Source of Shame

Rear Gear

Here's a controversial claim: Dogs are awesome.

This doesn't mean that all dog owners are, though. Unless you're planning to adopt, getting a dog can be done almost as casually as making a baby, which is why plenty of people who probably shouldn't wind up doing both. This is why the pet product industry is able to get away with ridiculous products and services like these and these and these and these and fucking these.

However, no amount of cluelessness on their owners' part manages to take away the fact that dogs are, indeed, awesome. Even if you're the sort of person who dresses their pup in colorful clothing and makes it wear a dog shit harness, it's extremely difficult to walk your dog in a park and look bad. Because you're hanging out with a dog, and that's awesome.

That is, unless you make your pet wear the Rear Gear.

Rear Gear
"Finally, I can take a picture with my dog's asshole without the stigma attached to taking a picture with my dog's asshole."

The Rear Gear is a flap that covers your pet's butthole, because those things just aren't natural. Strapping one on your dog (or cat, because you're a double sociopath) will instantly turn your beloved pet into the animal equivalent of those cringe-inducing cars with "wacky" bumper stickers. You know, the ones that you just know are driven by a complete and utter turdmonger? That's what your beloved animal companion looks like now.

I know what you're thinking: "I don't want anyone to see my dog's butthole, but I'm also afraid of flower stickers." Don't worry, there are PLENTY of non-flower butthole stickers for you, person I hope I never meet.

Rear Gear
As a comedy writer, I'm disproportionately pissed off because that award ribbon thing says #1.

Although your dog itself might be blissfully oblivious of the Rear Gear, I guarantee that the other dogs in the park will take up karate, just to save their owners the trouble of kicking you in the crotch.

Also, there's this: If you've ever been bothered by your dog's asshole so much that you feel the need to cover it, there's a chance it might be because you're spending way too much time staring at a dog's asshole.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Pauli Poisuo

  • Rss

More by Pauli Poisuo:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!