What most people don't know is that this was is an equal opportunities LEGO assault simulator. A sequel called General Retreat allowed the woman to advance upon the helpless general while under cannonball attack, although "sequel" is a bit of a generous description for "swapping the sprites" -- something they did without really working out the sexual dynamics.
Move over Chun-Li, this woman has the most powerful thighs. She could split the atom with kegels.
The original was also upgraded with the woman gesturing to show that she was willing, under the name "Westward Ho." And I have to admit: if enough went wrong with my life that I found myself making that game, that's exactly what I'd call it. Both games were released as two games for the price of one, which was screwing the players even more than "a double-ended cartridge" already suggests.
You have to feel for the makers (but not actually feel them or touch them). They knew that combining sex and computers was going to make every dollar, but like the caveman carving a fleshlight out of rock, the technology wasn't ready, and the results were painfully unsexy.
You're pushing through obstacles to get the sex, which is your inevitable reward for getting close enough to the opposite gender. This isn't a sex simulator, it's a Pick Up Artist simulator, which may be why it's derided by almost every human who knows it exists.
Despite all that, you still got to decide whether you wanted to be a boy or a girl every time you played, which means that Custer's Revenge, history's most infamous sexual assault simulator, still has better gender mechanics and representation than Assassin's Creed Unity and almost every other major title released in 2014.
Luke looks at other games which screw you over in High 5: Most Brutally Unfair Deaths in Gaming History, and The Retro Gaming Drinking Experiment.
Enjoy more sexual madness with The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and The 7 Creepiest Inventions Ever Patented For the Crotch.
Luke has a website, tumbles, and replies to every single tweet.