5 Deceptive Ways to Make Yourself Hotter (Temporarily)
As you've no doubt noticed, I'm a sensual man. I try to strike a balance in life between my serious, stoic, and business side and my irresistible, sexual-circus nature. It's a balancing act of awesomeness. But alas, like you, I find myself adrift in a sea of sexual deception with slowly deflating pool floaties and a semi-turgid pool noodle. How can we trust anything we see and grope in these days of butt implants and artificial strap-on vaginas? And it doesn't even have to be as permanent and expensive as surgery; there are plenty of low budget ways to turn yourself into a sexual tyrannosaur. It's becoming a chore to know if what you see is really what you're going to get when there are so many ways to make yourself appear more alluring that may literally fall apart when the lights turn off. Or turn on, if you're into the strobe light thing like I am.
Camel Toe Panties
There's an infamous advice column out there from the year 2005 in which a woman wrote to her paper asking for help with her godson and his potentially unwholesome interest in camel toads. Basically this lady was concerned that her godson was maybe getting high off of frogs when, in fact, he was just an ardent supporter of visible vagina. Snopes tells me that whole exchange was legit and that lady had merged camel toes and the practice of licking toxic toads into what would arguably be the coolest thing in the world if it were somehow true.
For those who don't know what a camel toe is, welcome to the Internet! My name is Felix, and I will be corrupting you from here on out. Please read some of my older work for insight into other awesome things like orgies and horror movies. Anyway, a camel toe is what we call it when a lady's gitch is vacuum sealed around her bits such that the outline is coming at us in 3D and does look, after a fashion, like the foot of some kind of dromedary. Though often unspoken, there's kind of a general assumption in the world that this look is undesirable. Most women, I think, based on no research whatsoever, probably don't want me and you and the bus driver to know the inner workings of their labia.
"Next stop, Puffy Clam Station!"
Despite my belief that camel toe is generally unfavorable, there's no such thing as a guarantee and nothing in this world is 100 percent. So there's a market out there for camel-toe-enhancing panties, padded underwear that actually makes you appear to have meatier curtains than your average abattoir. For what purpose would someone want to overemphasize the stature of their female genitalia? I can't say for sure, but honestly, I'd look and keep looking. I'm not a good man.
I can't help but wonder to what degree these things accentuate and promote your goodies, if it's enough that you'd be stymied when the pants came off and the real deal was less ostentatious. If anyone has experienced this, please let me know.
We've covered these on Cracked before, but I feel it would be a disservice to my column here to not pay lip service (a term I specifically chose for the awkward imagery it invokes) to the male side of that camel toe coin. As an aside, is "moose knuckle" the only male term we have that comes close to "camel toe"? I don't feel it lives up to the glamour of "camel toe"; we need something like "tapir's leg" or "sloppy Oktoberfest" or something.
The world of bulge enhancement is vastly more complex than you'd imagine. For instance, some companies exist solely to outfit female-to-male transgendered persons who want to fully and completely look like dudes, or at least the sorts of dudes who walk around bulging their junk all up in everyone's business all the time. Other companies provide "pouches" that you have to jam your bits into. Why? Seems like I should quote a website here -- "The back of the pouch softly hugs the area behind your scrotum with just enough tension to lift your genitals up and forward, preventing your boys from falling between your legs and providing a natural bulge-enhancing effect." It softly hugs your taint. You know what else softly hugs your taint? Cell mates.
"Gonna get all up in that taint, sweet thang."
You can buy dong-shaped inserts that make your business look larger or simply get push-up undies that have some kind of table or ramp or whatever sewed into them that you place your goodies on to make them stand up proud for all to see. But at the end of the day, you're being very deceptive if your balls naturally dangle halfway down your thighs and you're trying to present everything like a tight package of mighty crotch fortitude. Anyone you sex is going to be wise to this once the pants come off and they see that you've got mechanical parts or hilarious pouches holding and stretching your bits all catawampus.
The first time I ever heard the word "cutlet" was maybe when I was 6 or so and my mom bought a box of frozen chicken cutlets. We had them for dinner and they were jacked. Just rancid little shitlets of brown C.H.U.D. meat assembled into something like a burger and breaded so I wouldn't see the affront that was about to befall me until it was too late. I have to assume the meat was mostly asshole and knuckle meat that had been stripped off with a power washer and crammed together in some kind of deep-ocean pressure tank. Shit.
Since my childhood, I have obviously had an aversion to any kind of cutlet, and it's no wonder, since these boob cutlets exist and are potentially even more offensive and damaging than chicken cutlets. What's a boob cutlet, you ask? It's a flappy little wingding of silicon or some similar rubbery material that can be jammed under a boob in order to lift it and make it appear bigger and more wonderful. Well, a pox on you, boob cutlets.
100 percent pure chicken anus.
First, boobs are pretty great all the time. Only a small handful of boobs are ever worthy of disdain, and those are weird Tarantinoverse boobs that are sinister and maladroit, like the ones on that lady in the tub from The Shining. Horror titties, basically. All other boobs are wonderful, and ladies, stop thinking that anything else is the case.
All cutlets do is set up false expectations. Most of us are well aware of the nature of gravity, the elasticity of flesh, and what happens to a human when they lie down. Don't feel weird about boobs going off in crazy directions -- I could tell you some stories about what my balls do during the day. That's just the way people are, it's fine. Boobs are fine. But when you subject one to cutlets and suddenly the rest of us are thinking your boobs were mounted on a 90-degree angle and are made from firm, supple boob molecules when, in fact, removing the cutlets is like removing the jack from under a '77 Pontiac and the whole chassis is going to come crashing down, it's just weird and unkind.
Movies and magazines have convinced the media to convince me that movies and magazines have convinced me that I need perfect washboard abs and wicked huge biceps to be attractive to women. Or men. Or even pets, really. Pets hate my flabby, untoned frame the way Maury Povich guests hate grammar or human decency. And sure, I could get toned abs and sweet muscles by eating a good diet and using the Chuck Weider home gym, or the Chuck Norris Ab Flabberizer, or the Lou Ferrigno Delt Hulkerizer, but Christ, what a time consumer. Plus I really like eating fried chicken and cake.
Lucky for me there's a quick way to get muscle tone, and that's steroids. But man, you still need to work out, plus your balls turn into capers, and I can't commit to that either. Lucky for me there's also synthol injections. It's like steroids for the super lazy.
"There's steroids? Just push 'em up my bum when I roll over to sleep."
If you want to look huge without being huge, you can just fill out your unhuge spaces with a foreign substance. Maybe sesame oil. Maybe something with lidocaine in it. Whatever the case, it's generally oil-based and was invented as a way to smooth out asymmetries in a body builder's physique. You pump the muscle with oil and, temporarily, it bulges up and you can look the same on the left as you do on the right. Of course, some super freaks get out of hand with it and pump up all over all the time to give themselves these massive, overgrown muscles that look like bulgy, full-body hemorrhoids for no discernible reason, but some folks enjoy that.
The whole synthol thing is a bit of a mockery to real body building, as, competitively, you're not likely to convince anyone your muscles are real, so you're going to lose, and even just personally it kind of makes you look like an idiot. Plus Internet comedians can call you an idiot and it's not like you can fight back because your muscles are fake and repeated injections make your real muscles weaker so eventually you can look like a beast of a human but I can still push you around because you're as weak as a tumescent, greasy kitten, aren't you? Yes you are!
For many years, the bane of any woman was a fat ass. I don't know if there are scholarly records out there that made note of this so people can confirm what I'm saying, but I really, sincerely remember it. Having a large ass was something women actively wanted to avoid. Then we had a very brief transition period where you were encouraged to love yourself just the way you are. That was about a week long. Then big asses became awesome. It happened sometime around "Jenny from the Block."
As a butt fan myself, I can't complain about this, but I do find it curious that there has been such a shift in ass dynamics that butts of unusual size are not only encouraged and embraced, but fraudulently attained. Just like breast implants, you can get butt implants to have a more robust ass. And, just as with boob cutlets, you can get ass padding to make yourself look, at least at first, like someone with an Amazonian ass.
Plump and juicy.
In my research for this article, which I thoroughly enjoyed and bookmarked, I found a website solely dedicated to making your ass look more appealing. I knew there were panties out there with pads in them, but this was an entire website with a vast product line of ass enhancements. It was like looking for a snack and discovering that your fridge opens a portal to a mystical land of bacon and deep-fried bar food run by unicorns. Unicorns that have perfectly round asses.
Beyond padded undies, this site sells butt bras. I actually paused with my cursor over the button for a fraction of a moment, just wondering if I could guess what was going to be on the other side. It took me to a page full of pictures of asses. The best way I can describe it, since I imagine I can't include full-on ass photos in this article, is like a cupless bra, but for your ass. Your cheeks just poke through and the frame around it lifts it up. It's like an ass harness of some kind.
The site went on with padded panties, booty lifters, butt and hip pads and inserts, adhesive pads cleverly called "sticky buns," and then, at the very end of things -- products for men. Men's underwear padded in both front and back. And this thing.
Go on, strap your man ass into this thing.
Is this the kind of world you want to live in? A world in which you see me sauntering around town and think, "Mmm, I want a slice of that?" only to find out afterward that I'm geared in an ass harness with injectable muscles and an insertable dong pad? Hell no! It's not a world any of us should want.