5 Dating Sites for Terrible People to Find Terrible Love
One of my New Year's resolutions was to get back into the dating scene, but there's only one problem: It has been mathematically proven that I'm terrible at it. And I finally understand why: It's because I'm a terrible person. But that doesn't mean I'm doomed to be awful alone, because at last, there's a dating website for bad people to find horrible love: It's called all of them. Every single dating website out there is absolutely filled to the brim with my kind of people. People who are not sorry, ever, about anything; people who are tired of consequences and so choose to abstain from them; people who are halfway convinced that the rest of humanity is a holographic simulation projected for their amusement. If I can't find love slapping around somewhere in one of these virtual cesspools, well, then it's probably everyone's fault but mine, just like literally everything else.
Brooklyn Dakota Washington, from Match.com -- a place for lonely people who aren't good at talking to find other lonely people who aren't good at talking to talk to.
Sandra Byrd, from Sugardaddyforme.com -- a place for very loyal or lazy whores to ply their trade.
The AtlasphereThe Girl:
Kaitlyn Purdy, from The Atlasphere -- an objectivist dating site. That's totally true, and way funnier than anything I could come up with here.
Dating TwitterThe Girl:
Terry Moffle, from Dating Twitter -- a place for spambots to meet, and fall in love.
Craigslist PersonalsThe Girl:
Jennifer Chow, from Craigslist Personal Ads -- a place to find love and a lightly used couch with only moderate bloodstaining, at the same time.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Google+. Or you could go visit the Atlasphere instead, and try to sneak Bioshock-themed profiles past the moderators there. That sounds like way more fun.
For more from Robert, check out The 5 Least Sexy Products Money Can Buy=One Terrifying Date and 5 Steps to Having The Most Badass Funeral Ever.