5 Dating Sites for Terrible People to Find Terrible Love
One of my New Year's resolutions was to get back into the dating scene, but there's only one problem: It has been mathematically proven that I'm terrible at it. And I finally understand why: It's because I'm a terrible person. But that doesn't mean I'm doomed to be awful alone, because at last, there's a dating website for bad people to find horrible love: It's called all of them. Every single dating website out there is absolutely filled to the brim with my kind of people. People who are not sorry, ever, about anything; people who are tired of consequences and so choose to abstain from them; people who are halfway convinced that the rest of humanity is a holographic simulation projected for their amusement. If I can't find love slapping around somewhere in one of these virtual cesspools, well, then it's probably everyone's fault but mine, just like literally everything else.
Brooklyn Dakota Washington, from Match.com -- a place for lonely people who aren't good at talking to find other lonely people who aren't good at talking to talk to.The Date: When I walked into the Internet gaming cafe that I'd tricked Brooklyn into coming to, my heart skipped a beat. It does that sometimes. The doctors are baffled as to why, exactly, and my explanation -- that I'd taught my own heart to beat to the tune of Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" -- did nothing to assuage their worries. Luckily, my lack of health insurance did that instead. When the blackness that forever lives at the edges of my vision receded, I saw an angel standing uncertainly between two chubby Koreans swearing at computer screens."I like my coffee like I like my women," I said, sidling up to her."I don't like where this is going," she answered instantly. God, she was sharp. She saw it coming early, and if her ass kept bouncing around nervously like that, she'd see something else coming early soon enough."Full of my own semen," I suavely finished."Yep. That was it," Brooklyn answered, then stomped her way out of the double doors at GameBryoz, and my heart, forever.
Sandra Byrd, from Sugardaddyforme.com -- a place for very loyal or lazy whores to ply their trade.
The AtlasphereThe Girl:
Kaitlyn Purdy, from The Atlasphere -- an objectivist dating site. That's totally true, and way funnier than anything I could come up with here.
Dating TwitterThe Girl:
Terry Moffle, from Dating Twitter -- a place for spambots to meet, and fall in love.
Craigslist PersonalsThe Girl:
Jennifer Chow, from Craigslist Personal Ads -- a place to find love and a lightly used couch with only moderate bloodstaining, at the same time.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Google+. Or you could go visit the Atlasphere instead, and try to sneak Bioshock-themed profiles past the moderators there. That sounds like way more fun.
For more from Robert, check out The 5 Least Sexy Products Money Can Buy=One Terrifying Date and 5 Steps to Having The Most Badass Funeral Ever.