5 Celebrities With Horrifyingly Terrible Relatives
You know how every family has one member that doesn't quite live up to the reputation of the rest of the gang? Sometimes the apple doesn't just fall far from the tree, it swan dives into a rotten dumpster full of baby farts. These celebrity offspring didn't just not live up to their talented relatives, they didn't even measure up to my most talented relative, which is probably my uncle Daryl who fishes with dynamite.
J.R.R. Tolkien's Grandson Made A Movie So Bad It Closed After One Screening
J.R.R. Tolkien's was married to a total 1920's smoke show. No joke, if this woman were alive today, she would be hawking makeup on YouTube, or Instagram modeling, or some other hot girl job. Her name was Edith, and she and Tolkien had four children together (nice). Their family tree is full of talented people, including the only blind fencer competing in Britain, an award-winning sculptor, a successful poet, and more. But while the rest of the Tolkien family was putting all of that Legolas and Frodo slash fiction money to good use, Grandson Royd Tolkien was producing terrible, terrible movies.
The first feature film Royd Tolkien produced was called Pimp. It was about a Pimp, and friends, it doesn't sound good. You can watch Pimp for $2.99 on Amazon if you want, but to say it doesn't come highly recommended would be an understatement. It grossed $205 in theaters. No, not $205 million or $205 thousand. $205. This wasn't helped by the fact that it was publicly shown in one theater, only once, so it didn't have a ton of time to make money.
You can also save your $2.99 by just watching the trailer. It's only a minute long, but feels like a full 2 hours.
Pimp holds a Rotten Tomatoes score so bad if they put the cursed video from The Ring on a big screen, it would have more commercial value. Critics and audiences agree nobody likes Pimp! Royd also produced a movie called Tontine Massacre, which looks like it was trying to coast on the success of The Blair Witch Project about ten years after that success died.
It seems like he gave up producing in 2010 in favor of taking bit parts in fantasy franchises like The Hobbit and Game Of Thrones. Which, honestly was a public service on his part because he probably has enough family money to be churning out Pimp sequels forever.
Meghan Markle's Whole Family Is Insane
You'd think the weird side of Markle's family would be the one she married into where the grandparents are also cousins, but they don't hold a candle to her American family. We've written about it before, but Markle's nephew named a strand of royal wedding weed after her, Markle Sparkle, and one after her newborn son, Archie Sparkie. That baby is going to have a dope story to brag about to his first-grade class.
Meanwhile, on Twitter, where all terrible things happen, Markle's half-sister, Samantha, is trying to suck every ounce of fame out of Meghan like a New Jersey Housewife version of Dracula. She's publicly called Meghan. "Cruella De Vil and Witchy Poo," and tweeted that, "If our father dies, I'm holding you responsible."
Meghan cut ties with her sister and her father, Thomas Markle, after he also tried to cash in on her fame with staged paparazzi photos of himself getting ready for her wedding. After Meghan stopped speaking to her father, he continuously went to the media to make statements like, "Everything Meghan is, I made her," and "they have Meghan treating her father in a way that Harry's mother, Princess Diana, would have loathed." Nothing screams, "I'm sorry I took advantage of you, Meghan" like invoking the name of her tragically deceased Mother-In-Law, right?
Since his loving tactic for screaming at the media that Meghan is mean to him has evoked a shocking lack of giving a fuck from Meghan, Thomas Markle has decided to make a documentary. It's called Thomas Markle: My Story, and it's revealed things like "I don't know who she is now" and that he lied in a Piers Morgan interview. I know, I know. High stakes stuff.
Bill Clinton's Half Brother Was A Coke Dealing Lounge Singer
This is somehow both the most and least surprising Bill Clinton fact. It probably isn't easy growing up the younger brother of a future president, especially when your career trajectory is sending you toward either a Las Vegas residency or a minimum-security prison.
Roger Clinton Jr., Bill Clinton's younger half brother, was code-named "Headache" by the Secret Service. With that kind of reputation, it's not hard to imagine why the extremely shoulder-padded man behind the album Fantasy of Love could somehow be annoying.
Clinton began his singing career by warming up audiences for the sitcom Designing Women. He was a touring musician while his brother was the Governor of Arkansas and would occasionally crash at the guesthouse of the Governor's mansion between gigs. During this time he apparently also had a lil side hustle going because he was arrested for selling cocaine to an undercover police officer. He plead guilty (probably because the exchange was videotaped) and spent a year in prison. Bill controversially used his presidential power to pardon his brother for his past cocaine arrest on his last day in office, which is the sleazy government equivalent of the action hero sliding under the closing door at the final second.
While Bill was serving his terms as President, Roger took full advantage of his new name recognition. He was introduced by Willie Nelson during a performance at Farm Aid, did a three-episode guest arc on The Nanny as himself, and appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman. Wow, coke dealing lounge singer who appeared on The Nanny is the most 90s resume you could possibly have.
Dane Cook's Brother Stole 12 Million Dollars From Him
Dane Cook isn't exactly known for being an upstanding guy. There are past accusations against him of joke theft from multiple comedians, there's the fact that he started dating a girl who was twenty-six years his junior when he was 45, and just, you know, all of the things that come out of his mouth when he talks. But it still sucks that he trusted his half brother Darryl McCauley to be his business manager, and McCauley repaid that trust with the theft of 12 million dollars.
McCauley served as Cook's business manager from the early 90s to 2008, and Cook originally hired him to help him escape his job as, seriously, a corrections officer. When Cook decided to move from his home state of Massachusetts to Los Angeles, he decided to hire a new business manager, promising his brother a different role in Dick Jokes llc.
That was when Cook discovered that from 2004 to 2008, McCauley had been sending him fake bank statements. McCauley had done crazy things with the stolen money, like stashing $800,000 in the walls of his home and forging a check from Cook to himself for three million dollars. Or, roughly enough money to buy a yacht and name it the USS Lolscrewmybrother.
Once caught, McCauley was sentenced to five to six years in the same prison where he once served as a corrections officer and ten years of probation after that. He was also ordered to pay Cook $12 million in restitution. So, if you know anyone looking for an experienced business manager, hit him up!
Tommy Hilfiger's Son Is Obviously Rich And Questionably Talented
Tommy Hilfiger's son is a semi-successful rapper who goes by the name Rich Hil. Presumably, the nom de plume is so he won't get any preferential treatment from the rap community for being the son of the dude who invented polo shirts.
When I say he's semi-successful, though, please understand I don't mean that he's talented. He raps like Christian Bale's Batman trying to whisper you a secret as slowly as possible. If you're curious where Hil learned to rap, it was, of course, on the mean streets of Philadelphia. His parents allowed him to visit on weekends away from the family home in Connecticut (with a bodyguard of course).
Hil was recently signed to Warner Bros. Records, supposedly after they asked The Weeknd who he would like to work with and The Weeknd listed Rich. I'm not an expert on rap or anything, but that was totally a prank The Weeknd played on Warner Bros., right?
Hil raps about universal concepts like love, breakups, drinking too much, and rehab. However, after a recent arrest for possession of a metric butt-ton of marijuana, he told The Observer, "I learned that alcohol and coke? Is kind of for faggots. You know, like, in my eyes. I'll drink alcohol to get lean, don't get me wrong, but, like, something about people who are addicted to alcohol and cocaine, they seem like fags to me. Not 'fags' as in 'gay'. I have nothing against gay people. Mad people in my family are gay."
That's a quote the creator of Entourage would call too on the nose for parody. No celebrity offspring has ever been a better example of why you shouldn't tell your kids that you're rich.