5 Bafflingly Prudish Moments in History


Sex! Everybody's talking about it. Hell, everybody's doing it. I mean, not everybody, but there are 7 billion people on the planet. Doesn't that mean 3.5 billion people boned? No, wait. It doesn't. Do I split that number by thirds? I'm not sure. I'll just be vague about it. Billions of people are boning! And that's not all. Do you know that people were always having sex? It's true. That's how we got here. Generations and generations of sexual intercourse with penises and vaginas and stuff.

5 Bafflingly Prudish Moments in History
George Doyle/Valueline/Getty Images

"As a man who plays a scientist in stock photography, I'm here to tell you that
these boning theories are scientifically sound."

But here's the weird thing. Despite all this historical sexing, did you know that our society is incredibly repressed? Time and time again, humans have shown that anything that reminds them of babies or how we make them gives us the heebie-jeebies.

5 Bafflingly Prudish Moments in History
George Doyle/Valueline/Getty Images

"Hi, me again. 'Heebie-Jeebies' is also a valid scientific term."

Now, I know there are very disturbing ways society has shown its fear of sex and/or its hatred of women. Horrific things like clitoral circumcision or Rick Santorum's entire political career. But this is not meant to be a heavy political article. I wasn't looking for the worst travesties committed against women in the name of sexual repression. Indeed, that list would number in the thousands and not be funny. I was looking for more, examples of when society as a whole basically did ridiculously prudish things because apparently it couldn't deal with even the most innocent things even tangentially related to sex. Here are society's top five moments in being a prude.

We Needed a Less-Naughty Pronunciation of "Uranus"

Ahh, good old Uranus. Uranus is the seventh planet from the sun, the only planet whose name is derived from Greek mythology instead of Roman, and really funny to say. Why? Well, it sorta sounds like "your anus." Don't believe me? Just ask Webster.

Remember laughing at that in grade school? I do. Especially when I learned that Uranus was one of the "gas giants."

5 Bafflingly Prudish Moments in History
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So, yeah, I remember learning about Uranus as a kid, and everyone laughed, and then we stopped, because, y'know, even though it's a damn fine joke -- because it sounds like a body part, get it -- it got old at around 9 years old. But apparently scientists and newscasters got tired of seeming silly, so they changed the pronunciation of "Uranus." Oh, let me help you: "URAN-us," which, as it turns out, still has "urine" in it, so it's still kind of funny, but not as funny as "your anus."

Technically, either pronunciation is right, but listen to any scientist or person on the news. They avoid "your anus" like something terrible is going to come from it leaving their mouth. Oh, sorry, I mean they avoid "Uranus."

The Biggest Sitcom Star of 1952 Couldn't Say "Pregnant" on TV

In 1952, one of the most famous sitcoms of all time, I Love Lucy, aired one of its most famous episodes, in which protagonist Lucy tells her husband that she is pregnant with their most famous child. Lucy and her husband are, y'know, married. The child is his. The child is wanted. There is no reason to believe the baby was conceived as part of some Satanic sex cult ritual, and yet the name of the episode was "Lucy Is Enciente." Why? Because CBS executives thought it was scandalous to say the word "pregnant." They had to go French with it.

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Ironically, sometimes "going French with it" can lead to babies.

That's right. They go an entire episode with Lucy wondering how to tell husband Ricky that she's pregnant without using the word "pregnant." CBS found the use of the word indecent. I still can't fully understand this one. Every single person watching the show was the product of a pregnancy. "Pregnant" is a clinical term. I mean, yeah, it's weird to think society has hang-ups about saying words like "penis" and "vagina" too, but at least I get that. Society wants those things hidden in clothes, so, yeah, I'm not shocked we hide it in language. But "pregnant"? Even the Virgin Mary was pregnant. Nevertheless, there's no mention of the word anywhere in the episode. You can say, even sing, "having a baby," but you can't say "pregnant." It's weird. Also weird? That Lucy could be wearing a housecoat as matronly as the one she has on and still need to tell anyone she's pregnant. We get it. You're either pregnant or smuggling hams.

West Virginia Still Can't Bring Itself to Protect Breast-Feeding

West Virginia is one of only two states that do not protect a mother's right to breast-feed in some way by law. (Indiana is the other, but it's more fun to beat up on West Virginia.) At best, they just have to explain that it's not public indecency. But if you know it's not indecency and it's a life-sustaining act, why not protect it like other states, so that breast-feeding moms can't be kicked off grounds? Sexy, but not indecent? Are you just private about exposed breasts in West Virginia? Something to be kept in the family?

5 Bafflingly Prudish Moments in History
Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images

"Did you just call an entire state incestuous?!"

Yeah, sorry, West Virginia, that was a cheap shot. I know you have "virgin" in your name, but do you have to be so hung up? If 48 other states have realized, hey, breast-feeding is good for babies, and it's economical, and sometimes you really can't control where you are when a baby needs to eat, then ... what the hell is the big deal? Are you telling me you're just not as hip as Georgia or Arkansas? Do you support breast-feeding but no one in your legislature could sit long enough to type up a bill without breaking down and giggling about boobies?

5 Bafflingly Prudish Moments in History

Tweety Bird Was Forced to Wear Clothes to Cover His Whole Wittle Body

Who doesn't love Tweety Bird? Sylvester the Cat, I guess. Kind of a stupid question, but the important point is that we all know Tweety Bird. Even if you're too young to know the Roadrunner, because parents successfully got this "violent" show off the air, you probably saw lots of Tweety Bird cartoons while you waited for the Bugs Bunny episodes.

5 Bafflingly Prudish Moments in History

"I tawt I saw you reach for the remote control."

Anyway, did you know that in the first appearance of Tweety in 1942, he had no feathers? It sort of made him look more vulnerable as he defended himself from two Abbott and Costello-esque cats that were trying to eat him.

Well, turns out the Hays office had a real problem with that and insisted his nakedness be covered with feathers for future appearances. Here's what you need to know about the Hays office: They oversaw the Motion Picture Production Code that controlled decency in film from 1930 to 1968, and apparently they were fucking insane, because they were disturbed by cartoon bird nudity.

Or maybe they were just being spiteful about the joke about the Hays office here. Pretty super hip one at 1:38 about "giving the bird."

At the end of the day, I think taking offense to a nude bird says a lot about you. It makes me wonder if the folks at the Hays office needed a long cold shower after stuffing a Thanksgiving turkey.

White Meat and Dark Meat Came About Because People Couldn't Deal With Saying "Legs" or "Breast"

And speaking of turkey, look at this transition I got going here! There's some debate online about the validity of this assertion, so I tell you what: If you can prove to me that I'm wrong, I will donate all the money you paid for reading this article to the National Society of Correct Chicken Nomenclature. If it is incorrect, it has a lot of support for it being true.

5 Bafflingly Prudish Moments in History
Jim Arbogast/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Much like the female orgasm, only irritating people don't believe in it.

As anyone who's ever eaten chicken knows, the breast has the light meat and the thighs and legs have the dark meat. Oh, I'm sorry, did you all just get wet or erect from reading that last sentence? I apologize, because apparently there was a time when people did. Accordingly, "leg" became "drumstick," "breast" became "white meat," and "thighs" became "dark meat."

If you're less than impressed with the support I have from those links, then congratulations. Perhaps you're not so used to learning information just because it's hyperlinked to you on a screen, but ask yourself a question: Is it hard to believe? Holy cow, we are people who opted to pronounce a planet so it sounds like "urine" just so we didn't have to say "anus," and we did that in the 20th century. Doesn't take a lot to accept the assertion that Victorians didn't want to make a request to gobble up some breast.



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