Some articles require a lengthy explanation in order to give the reader a context in which to view them. This is not one of those. What I am doing here is simple: I'm proving, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that romance guru and best-selling author of 1001 Ways to be Romantic, Gregory J.P. Godek is the stupidest, laziest waste of stem cells to ever "write" a book. Every time Godek's semeny, pizza-covered fingers touch his keyboard, the world's collective I.Q. drops.

Romantic Fantasies

& Other Sexy Ways of Expressing Your Love

Lenantic omantic Frontasies Other Sery Ways of Expressing Your Love Gregory LP Goxlek Buetii H0 Natheril ays

This book focuses on the sexy side of romance. And since Godek's idea of sexy is puns and massaging his lover while she digests Papa John's, that can really mean anything.

5: Quickies! There's nothing wrong with a little quickie now and then! Sometimes the lack of time for proper arousal is itself arousing! Gregory J.P

Godek's wife is so closed up that he has to have sex through a funnel. He calls it a quickie because he can only get it in if he has enough distance to build up to full speed.

66: Celebrity fantasy Who is your partner's favorite celebrity? Go out and buy one of those life-sized cardboard stand-up figures. Set it up in your b

Yes, Godek suggested you have sex in front of a cardboard cutout of a celebrity and pretend they're watching. I'm not sure if that's because he's batshit fucking crazy or because even first base feels filthy when Michael Jackson is there. My biggest problem with this advice, aside from the fact that it's nuts, is that it makes me stop sex every 3 minutes. Because every time I take my eyes off him, I have to go over and check if the real Jean-Claude Van Damme secretly switched places with the cardboard Jean-Claude Van Damme. He probably didn't, but oh my god, what if he did!?

I DON'T GET IT. WLIY IS CHUICK THE ICE MAN LIDDELL WATCHING US HAVE SEX? I READ I IN A BOOK. AND SHLIT UP, T'M PRETENDING T AM THAT CHLICK LIDDELL.

44: Erotica Erotica-- The title of Madonna's 1992 album. This marked her return to the dance-driven numbers that first made her popular. One song is c

Good eye, Godek. You noticed some sexual meaning in a song called "Deeper and Deeper" on an album called "Erotica." But you know what I noticed? I noticed that you suddenly stopped in the middle of your sex advice book to review a Madonna album. Let's hope your wife is less observant than me, sailor.

38: Lingerie shopping spree Go on a five-minute shopping spree at Victoria's Secret. On your mark, get set... go! Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Wa

Five minutes to shop for lingerie, Godek? Not all of us can just walk in and scream, "My wife will take your largest pair of panties! And a pizza of her choice!" And I don't think men are allowed to sprint through a lingerie store grabbing underwear. That's probably the very first thing mall security guards are trained to stop.

32: Zip! Try making love as quickly as you possibly can. Time yourselves! Try to improve on your time every few months. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1

She'll love that! I have a feeling you'll soon have it down to zero!

73: Tasty treats Blindfold your partner. Spread a mystery flavor on a private part of your body. Your partner's challenge is to lick it off and name

Great. Now she either has to figure out a polite way to guess "butt hair and pickles," or we sit here all night with her eating pickles out of my ass.

89: AlL dressed up... When you're dressed up and out together, secretly hand him your panties under the table. Watch his expresssion. (f he's not abso

When Godek and his wife leave a restaurant, all the silverware they touched has to be destroyed. There is so much pubic bacteria on their hands that hailing a cab is like hitting it with 50 wet diapers.

123: Just what is Victoria's secret?! Needless to say, Victoria's Secret has become synonymous with Lingerie in the minds of modern Americans. The

I give Godek a lot of shit for being a goddamned idiot, but look right there: he managed to figure out that the most popular lingerie chain in the world sells lingerie. Which means, hold on... if he thinks we don't know what a Victoria's Secret is now at #123, then why did he suggest we charge through one grabbing panties at #38? This fucking guy is up to something.

137: Shut-eye Make love with your eyes closed. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways to be Romantic

Well yeah, Godek, that's just common sense when you're married to a cockatrice. But I just bought a Jose Canseco cardboard cutout to watch me make love, and I'll be damned if I'm going let it go to waste by closing my eyes. Wait a minute, why is Godek trying to get me nude and blind around Jose Canseco?

171: Building your vocabulary Open a dictionary to any page. At random, point to a word. You and your lover must figure out some way to include that w

What could be more romantic than a word, selected at random from all of language? Statistically speaking, almost all things.

"It's time for our lovemaking, lover. Get the dictionary. And prepare yourself for... for...

diarrhea [dahy-uh-ree-uh] -noun an intestinal disorder characterized by abnormal frequency and fluidity of fecal evacuations. Well, here we go, honey."

Surprise, bored married couple. You just got Godek'ed.

Romantic Dates

Ways to Woo & Wow the One You Love

Bs HOMantic omantic ates Ways to Woo is Wow the One You Love Gregory LP Godek Aashoref 100 Was Ile Ronuanntie

This book claims to be filled with fun ideas for dates, but most of it is lists of Top 40 love songs. The dating tips aren't even clever enough to be called obvious. If you know what food is and how to get to it, you've already learned everything Godek will ever teach you. However, his stream-of-consciousness style does give primatologists an unprecedented look at monkey brain logic.

Outdoor Adventures #2 Play miniature golf... while dressed in your wedding gown and tuxedo! Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways to be Romantic

Godek re-used this tip four years later in his book Enchanted Evenings because it's the best thing he's ever thought of. Gregory J.P. Godek is the reason the terrorists hate our freedom. Mohammed Ahta was just some Lutheran named Mike Jenkins playing miniature golf before Godek and his wife showed up.

Festivals! #3 Ballooon festivals, food festivals, art festivals! Gregory J.P. G.O.D.E.K. Author of 1001 Ways to be Romantic

What is this nonsense, Godek? A list of places you can go to not be the biggest pussy in the room? Locations where they haven't thought to crack down on child predators? I thought you were writing a book about romance; this is neither romantic nor writing. You fucking hack idiot, you couldn't write the instruction manual for a butt plug.

Song-inspired Dates #2 Create a date based on the song: CHATTANOOGA CHOO-CHOO BY GLENN MILLER Give your partner a copy of this song, and get two tic

I like how Godek just assumes we also like to date 5-year-old boys. This idiot has got to be the only man alive who thinks drawing a connection between a song about choo-choos and an actual choo-choo is clever in any way. It's like scientists built him out of the worst qualities of scrapbookers and sex offenders.

These romance tips are so moronic that I'm kind of getting the idea that anyone can do it.

Step One: Buy your lover a Milli Vanilli album.

Step Two: Spend the night blaming the rain together.

See? Nothing to it.

Dinner for TWo #1 Try this next Saturday evening: Prepare a five-course dinner-- and serve each course in a different room of your home. Choose any ro

Because a fish course always tastes best when it's served on a toilet. If I ever had any doubt that Godek wasn't just typing any damn thing that popped into his head, it's officially gone.

Dinner for TWO #3 Create a meal where every item of food is fashioned into the shape of a heart. Gregory I.P. G.O.D.E.K. Author of 100/ Ways to be Rom

That's adorable, Godek. You know, when your wife finally beats you to death, this is what her lawyer will use to clear her name.

At Home Dates #6 Watch Mad About You- the most romantic show on TV. Gregory J.P. G.O.D.E.K. Author of 1001 Ways to be Romantic

Truly that's sound advice that will stand the test of time.

Sexy Dates #4 Lock the doors, draw the curtains, send the kids away. Then dine in the nude. Or merely scantily clad. (Don't forget to schedule enough

There is so much sperm in Godek's leftovers that he needs an abortion doctor to defrost his freezer.

For Men Only #3 Plan a date for Superbowl Sunday! (After she wakes up from fainting she'll be delighted!) Tape the game on your VCR so you can watch i

Talking to a woman on Superbowl Sunday!? But that's a day associated with male gender roles! Oh, where is a female standup from the '80s when we need one! Waitwait, I've got one: Those men. Let me tell you, my husband pays so little attention to me when the Superbowl is on, I've started leaving maxi pads in the toilet just so he'll scream at me during bathroom breaks.

Role Playing #5 Pretend you're vacationing foreigners who don't speak any English. Have fun asking directions and ordering in restaurants while preten

Let me tell you about the hatred I have for Godek. He writes like it's the side effect of a stroke. He is so witless and humorless that 83 of his puns have charged him with rape. When he and his wife get naked, they're more pizza than flesh and that's not even why birds try to kill them. My hate for him is so personal, so vivid... and I earned that sweet hate over the course of a dozen of his fucking dumbass books. So I'm especially pissed off that there's a waiter out there watching him pretend to be a German tourist, and in five seconds he'll hate Godek more than I ever can.

Romantic Mischief

The Playful Side of Love

4 Romantic Books to Disgust and Annoy Your Lover

Oh no you are not about to, Godek!

Happy Valentine's Day #3 Buy piles of those little candy conversation hearts. Fill the sink with them. Fill his briefcase, fill her purse. Fill her fa

This works best if you're dating Batman because it's something a lunatic super villain might already be doing. Warning: filling a briefcase with chalky candy is the kind of gesture that gets your lover to look up the state's laws about how wide a stick he's allowed to swing at his wife.

Love Letters #1 Write a love letter. Cut the paper into puzzle- shaped pieces. Mail the pieces to your lover... one piece per day! Gregory J.P. Godek

I don't see any way this could backfire.

KNOcw E, CUT AND ARE YOU CUTER THAN A SWEATY ER ON A PUpp BVTCH UT LESS Y!

Romantic Strategies #] Overdo something! Does he like M&M'S? Buy him 50 pounds of them! Does she like teddy bears? Cet her dozens! Gregory J.P. Godek

I'm not surprised that this nutbag's idea of naughty is buying too much candy. If Godek ever gets his brain CAT scanned, the technician will be arrested for child pornography.

Of Note #4 Attach a note to your partner's calculator: You can count on me. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways to be Romontic

You stupid fuck, Godek.

Of Note #7 Buy her a lottery ticket. Attach a note: You're one in a million! Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Woys to be Romontic

If I left my woman a stretched human face and attached a note: "I am the Night Hunter. Face me!" she would be less disappointed in me.

For Singles Only #5 Guys: Send her a fruit basket. Attach notes to each item: You're the apple of my eye. You're a peach! I'm going bananas over

I think Godek learned to write by reading Thundercats Valentines and gay pornography titles.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss #2 Gary G. gets his romantir exercise by stealing street signs that contain his wife's name! He says he has quite collection fro

This idea marked the ninth occasion I was almost killed since I started dating a girl named Martin Luther King.

Around the House #5 Imagine the bathtub filled with Hershey's Kisses. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways to be Romontic

Imagine your girlfriend calling her friends to tell them what the lamest thing she ever saw was. Imagine cleaning a bathtub full of tinfoil and chocolate by yourself after she leaves you for a heterosexual. If you vomit on a woman while she's kissing your conjoined twin's face, you know more about romance than Godek.

Kinda Crazy #3 The item: A bottle of Joy dishwashing liquid. The note: You are the joy of my life. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways to be Roma

And with that, Godek sets the world record for "Worst Sentence Ever, Gay and Stupid Division." The good news is: If you ever give a woman dishwashing liquid and a pun, you won't ever get a chance to give her venereal warts.

4 Romantic Books to Disgust and Annoy Your Lover

Oh, good. More lottery ticket paronormasia. I'll warn my girlfriend's quivering vagina. Sign language-speaking gorillas have more wit than Godek when they masturbate.

Guys and Gals #1 Guys: Revive gallantry. Open doors for her. Carry packages for her. Help her on with her coat. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Woys

Wait, I don't do it in the nude or reference my own "package" while I help her lift hers? Then how will she even know I'm trying to bang her? Did your editor fall asleep in the middle of your book, Godek?

4 Romantic Books to Disgust and Annoy Your Lover

Shit, I guess he did.


Shopping Tips #1 Buy one blue gift, two red gifts, and one green gift. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways to be Romontic

Fucking why? Am I dating a Resident Evil puzzle?

Creative Gift Ideas #2 Get every recording ever made by his favorite musical group. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways to be Romontic

We're buying a present for a guy who has a favorite band, but not any of their music, so he either just had a housefire, or he's a little boy. It makes sense, I guess. Those are the two types of men that Godek falls for.

Overdo it! #1 Get every recording ever made by his favorite musical group. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways to be Romontic

I have a feeling I'm the first person to read this book, and that includes the author. If I could get serious for a second, the thing that bothers me the most about Godek is that I thought the mentally retarded were supposed to be lovable.

Shopping Tips #2 Find two gifts for under $5, three gifts for $20-$25, and one gift for $50-$100. Gregory J.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways to be Romanti

An arbitrary list of gift prices? Wow, the best-selling author of 1001 Ways to Be Romantic makes writing books look easy! I'd hate to see what romantic advice he cut out to make room for this gem. "Try something different this President's Day! Lock eyes with a stranger during an orgy. Mouth the word MOTHER, MOTHER."

Creative Gift lIdeas #1 Buy one blue gift and three red ones... two small gifts and one big one... three $5 gifts and one $25 gift. Gregory J.P. Godek

What the motherfucking fuck, Godek? Are you flailing to death on your keyboard, or are you trying to find some kind of secret code to start your android wife's self-destruct sequence?

The Portable Romantic

An indispensible pocket guide to creating loving relationships

Huedieke aher A acuhe o ips. n-ex resnYS s:aE schenes. esons inapirathims ROMARTIC The Portable An indispensable pocket guide to creasing loving relar

A condensed collection of Godekisms you can carry with you. It's like having an idiot in your pocket that won't shut up about nudity and pizza.

47 A homemade greeting card from one spry senior citizen to his wife: I've fallen in love and I can't get up! Gregory I.P. Godek Author of 1001 Ways

This is what happens to a person's sense of humor when their first memory is being held underwater by their mother.

50 A memo to Ford Motor Company: On behalf of romantics everywhere, I respectfully submit to you that your emphasis on aerodynamics and safety, while

Dear Mr. Godek,

We at the Ford Motor Company respectfully submit that any beast that lays with you deserves as much discomfort as our aerodynamic design can provide. Since this letter arrived, our female employees have become sterile. You are the reason STDs want us dead.

In regards to "the elaborate costumery" of your day, we at the Ford Motor Company can only conclude that you write like several dicks jumped out of your mouth to perform rhythmic gymnastics on the keyboard. We are going to remove 37 safety features from each of our automobiles in an admittedly desperate but sincere attempt at killing you.

May you scream forever in a Hell of Scorpions,

Ford Motor Company

4 Romantic Books to Disgust and Annoy Your Lover

Oh for FUCK'S SAKE, Godek.


Seanbaby seriously can't believe how much he hates Godek. You can follow him on Twitter or face him on Facebook. His historically beloved website is Seanbaby.com.

For more advice that's not such a good idea, check out 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital. And check out more from Seanbaby in 11,201 More Pieces of Terrible Advice.

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