Excerpt #2

With a final stomp and twist of the foot, Mal dispatches the last Reaver. Heaving with testosterone, he turns to his crew.

"Look, I know some of you are unhappy with me and the way I have run this ship. I know you have had your doubts about me as your leader. I respect that. I'm sure many of you have thought you could do a superior job. That's simply not true. It's not. I run this ship. I run it well. Yet time and again, you ignore this fact. And while competition has been shown to be useful up to a certain point, cooperation, which is the thing we must strive for today, begins where competition leaves off. If we are to have any hope against the next wave of Reavers, I need you with me. Who still believes in me?"

River, with the courage of a thousand suns, stands. "I am with you, sir. I am with you implicitly."

Wash is the next to rise. "I know we are in an unstable environment right now, fiscally and physically. But our ship has seen worse and survived. I am with you."

"I am with you too," says Zoe. "Also, I am pregnant. It is yours."

"As am I" says Kaylee.

"Me too," says Jayne. "On both accounts."

"Come here, quick. It's hiccuping."

Now, with all of them pledging allegiance to their commander, Mal smiles. He is happy, both for the loyalty and pregnancy of all. A good leader can never cast judgment on his people, he must love them equally. Still privately in his heart, he hopes at least one child will be a boy. He already has two daughters on another planet and daughters are really hard.

Excerpt #1

There is a body cut in half. It is dead. A bunch of the good guys stand around it. They are looking at it and waiting until Horatio gets there. He does get there, on a horse. Everyone claps.

Horatio looks at the body and sees it's a teen girl. She's dead but she's still pretty hot. He counts the rings inside her and sees that she's 18 so it's OK to notice she's hot. Not everyone thinks to do that.

It also looks like there was a bad drought when she was 13.

The blonde one: What do you think, Horatio?

Me: I know how to throw knives.

The Cuban one: [some Spanish]

Me: You're right. The one thing this girl and our killer have in common is that they both split.

The other one: Let's use this box of stuff to detective on her.

Me: Good idea.

Suddenly a helicopter lands. It says "Island Hoppers" on it. Magnum and TC get out with beers. Nice. Magnum walks up to Horatio and the body. They high five with their guns.

Magnum: What have we got?

Me: The one thing this girl and our killer have in common is that they both split.

Magnum: Ha! Yeah! We're on it.

The blonde one: Hold on. We are working this case already.

Magnum: Oh, damn. Wait, I've got an idea ...

Magnum and Me together: Crime solving race!

Horatio and Magnum shake on it. The winner gets to sex the lab girl for a whole sun gone. They put on their bulletstopping jackets and go looking for the bad guys. Miami is hot.

Excerpt #2

Horatio meets Magnum at the high school. They are asking the other girls if they know what happened to the one that's in two pieces now. They say they don't but Magnum wants to take them to dinner just in case. They agree. They are going to wear bathing suits and they are all going to get pizza together. Is Horatio invited? Of course.

Me: We're best friends.

Magnum: The best.

They hug.

"I'm ordering now. What does everybody want?"

At the pizza place some terrorists are there. They have drugs probably and guns. The girls scream but Horatio and Magnum don't wait for backup and kill all the guys except one. He tells them where the treasure is buried. Then they shoot him.

Me: Yes! We CSIed it together. It's a tie.

Magnum: We win together. Teammates.

The girls cheer and everyone has a pizza party.

Montage of science reactions in test tubes.

Case closed.

Elrond thinks it over, "We have been really hard on him."

"That's true," Boromir looks to his feet, ashamed for saying such bad things about Sauron without really getting to know him first.

"I'm just saying we ought to give it a try. Maybe it will be fun, right? He might think of some really awesome things to do with all his power that we wouldn't have ever thought of alone. It could be like camp! Just one person in charge of everything."

"But what about his armies of orcs? And all the Ringwraiths? We hate them! Orrrrrcs!" Gimli yells like a sleeveless Ogre in a football locker room.

"Have you ever just sat down and talked to one of them? No, we just fight them all the time. We've treated them like outcasts their whole lives. Maybe we all just need to try to be a little more understanding. Maybe instead of stabbing them with swords, we should be stabbing them with kindness. We might even make some new friends."

Everyone starts to nod in agreement as they realize they don't even know what they've been fighting against this whole time. The council votes to offer the ring back to Sauron.

Sauron agrees to handle his overwhelming power with grace and poise. He is good to everyone even though he is stronger and smarter than all of them. He only kills the people who were really mean to him and no one cares because he's such a good ruler. He is the best leader Middle-earth has ever seen. Everyone says so.

The End

The Kite Runner for the downtime and a 9mm pistol, just in case.

She sets the clock to 2005 and pulls the lever.

Excerpt #2

Dripping from head to toe with cleanliness, past Oprah steps out of the tub and into a bathrobe. She swipes at the water droplets that run down her naked body, tickling her stomach and inner thighs. Future Oprah steps from the shadows in the silence and reveals herself.

"Hello," she says. Her voice doesn't cut through the quiet so much as compliments it. Her tone is buttery, sensual and above all, baritone.

Past Oprah does not jump or startle. She pats herself dry and, when she is ready, turns to look future Oprah dead in the eye. "You could have gone to any point in history and you chose here, now."

"Yes. You know I had to. I made a promise to myself on this day, that if I ever invented time travel I would come back to this moment and ..."

Past Oprah glides over to future Oprah, never breaking eye contact. Her skin still fragrant from the bath. She puts a single finger to future Oprah's lips. "Shhh. I know. I know why you are here."

Without another word, they kiss. Gently at first, sweetly, like the sound of rain in the trees before it hits your face. Then, then the storm breaks and they soak one another in desire. The Oprahs push their bodies against one another, trying desperately to feel a sensation they've longed to feel their entire collective life. Their hearts, as if connected by a string, now feel the vibrations through the chord between them, playing a secret note of lust and longing that reverberates through their bodies and shakes them from their clothes. Together, on the cool tile floor of her immaculate bathroom, they love one another for 40 minutes.

Exhausted, past Oprah falls asleep nestled in her bathrobe. Future Oprah quietly dresses again and crawls back into her travel chamber. She has a lot of other visits to make, a lot of self promises to fulfill throughout time.

For disturbing scenes from fanficdom, check out The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction. Or get more from Soren in 8 Letters from the Elementary School Where I Guest Lectured.