6 Horrifying Sex Tips From Out Of Touch Celebrities
Most celebrities are good at precisely one thing. (Hint: it's the one they're famous for, like acting for Leo DiCaprio or dressing salads for Paul Newman.) Despite this, the thick veil of money and fame that separates them from the normal world often causes them to believe that they're experts at pretty much everything. And we the people listen to them, to the point where A-list Hollywood stars rank higher than Nobel-Prize-winning scientists in polls of the most trusted people.
Which is why you can bet your best holiday butt that whenever a celebrity farts out Cosmo-level insane views about sex, some poor, impressionable soul out there is looking at an embarrassing visit to the nearest ER.
Gwyneth Paltrow's $15K Vibrators And Argument Blowjobs
Look, it's a column about bad celebrity advice. We all knew that the woman whose idea of seducing a man is a $3,500 rug with a silhouette of his head is going to wind up on the list. So let's just get this out of the way as quickly and painlessly as we can, and try to lure her into the yard with some artisanal chestnut chewies immediately afterwards. If she tries to follow you home, throw some food stamps at her and watch her bolt.
Of course Gwyneth Paltrow has sex advice, and of course it's as dumb as a PhD thesis on quantum mechanics written by Kanye West and Donald Trump. Mysterious "libido-enhancing" gadgetry? Check. $15,000 golden dildos? Check. $3,000 vaginal radio frequency treatments? Orgasmic meditation? Naturopath-endorsed vegan lubes? Check, check, goddamned check. I have no idea whether Paltrow is the world's best or worst person in bed. However, she's definitely the most unnecessarily prepared, and it seems like her vagina has its own driver to bring it to your bedroom.
"You can buy all those from my website, Goop.com. I've long since stopped pretending it doesn't sound like an online sex shop.
Of course, there are people who consider this overpriced new age bullshit interesting and solid advice, which kind of makes you want to side with the Joker and watch the world burn. But even they should flee when Gwyneth gets more hands-on with her advice. Despite her supposedly progressive views, she's a somewhat infamous proponent of the "argument blowjob": When a man and a woman have a fight looming, the woman should just drop her stance on the subject and then proceed to drop on her knees. According to Gwyneth, this is a "good thing, energetically." Other, less energetically-inclined people, such as myself, might point out that she's doing a swell job of describing every single implied off-screen event in The Stepford Wives.
Gwyneth seems pretty fond of saying that powerful women should suck dick a lot. Granted, this is implied strictly to make the lady's mate feel less insecure -- a no doubt common issue in the Paltrow household. But let's face it, after the introduction of the argument blowjob, no one's going to hear any fine print clarification over all the roaring applause from men's rights activists and Don Draper.
Eva Longoria Keeps Giving People Sex Toys As Presents
What do you generally give your friends on their birthdays? A bottle of wine? A quick Facebook message and a mental "IOU a present" note? A big ol' fake dong in gift wrapping?
If your answer is the last one, then congratulations! You're Eva "Desperate Housewife #3" Longoria, and you keep pelting your BFFs with gifts of sex toys.
"Oh. Thank you, Eva-- Aaarghhh what the fuck?"
A vocal proponent of vibrators, Longoria says she has a long, hard habit of giving them as birthday gifts to her friends. This would probably be just fine and dandy (at least, provided her friends are warned not to open their presents at family gatherings) if it wasn't for the fact that she goes on to say: "After I spoke openly about vibrators, I literally got boxes and boxes of free sex toys sent to me. So I was constantly giving them away."
When you translate that sentence from "ass-kissing celebrity interview" to English, it reads: "I keep giving people my surplus sex toys, and they will smile and say thank you because I'm famous and rich as shit." Note that she also says "boxes and boxes of free sex toys" -- all sorts of sex toys, that is. Not just vibrators. Enjoy your mental image of a smiling Eva Longoria offering a politely horrified friend a Master Cock Forearm Dildo (the link is precisely as NSFW as you think) neatly wrapped in a bow, completely oblivious to the internal screaming of everyone in the room as they endure not just an uncomfortably inappropriate gift for most circumstances, but a cheap-ass one at that.
Jared Leto Sent His Coworkers Used Condoms
By now, you've heard all about Jared Leto's upcoming incarnation of the Joker, and how he's more extreme than Mountain Dew spiked with Doritos and the 1990s. Being a method actor, Leto chose to Daniel Day-Lewis through the movie, constantly staying in character and communicating with the rest of the cast and crew through a thick veil of Joker-ness. And a whole whoopin' lot of sexual harassment. Because if you're just pretending, you're not hurting anyone.
This guy? Noooooooooo.
According to Leto, he wanted to create a Joker who had no respect for peoples' personal boundaries, so he stopped respecting them himself. Throughout filming, he antagonized the rest of the cast with little gifts, ranging from bullets and live rats to huge pig carcasses. And then he graduated to used condoms and anal beads (which were hopefully slightly less used). If you think that would be lawsuit-worthy harassment behavior in literally any environment that's not a multi-million-dollar movie shoot, well, let's just say you're not exactly alone in your opinion.
"Aww, thank you, Jared! That's so sweet." -- Eva Longoria, probably
"But the Joker is creepy," someone may say at this point. "He lives to torment others, so of course he'd play the harassment card." To which I say: The fuck he would.
Rare storylines and the occasional alternate universe version aside, the otherwise unpredictable Joker is almost unequivocally described as an asexual creature who has purged his romantic feelings and replaced them with the strange, never-ending game he plays with the Dark Knight. Apart from the green hair, white skin, and red lips, that's pretty much the only consistent feature of the character. The Joker might send out the odd token to freak people out. He'd very likely creep on them. But there's no more reason to take things sexual than there would be for an actor preparing to play Richard Nixon to take up catfish noodling. It's Jared Leto, the person, who actually sat down and thought: "Hey, I kind of feel like sending people used condoms and other uncomfortably sexual presents to see how much they freak out." And regardless of what you think about 30 Seconds to Mars, that's predator territory right there.
Ronda Rousey Doesn't Believe In Lube
I don't mean to brag or anything, but I've Biblically known well over almost one woman over the years. With the utmost authority, I can state that ladies are different and respond to different things differently. Turns out this is just one of many things I don't have in common with UFC superstar Ronda Rousey, whose career of choking opponents out has sometimes veered into answering questions about sex. Why? Because that's what every dipshit reporter wants to ask about -- at least, provided they're at a safe distance.
Unfortunately, people who exist on a plane of reality that's entirely made of punches aren't always the best ones to give you sex tips. Case in point: "What should a guy always do? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, then you're being lazy."
"Or shooting a cover, in which case feel free to splatter that shit all over yourself."
What the hell, Ms. Rousey? I get that you speak about guys needing to take their time. Sufficient foreplay is one of those strange things that seem like basic common sense, yet elude an amazing number of people. I'm also willing to believe that the whole "girl takes a minute" thing is just poor phrasing, and you're not actually saying your average girl is ready to go after a literal minute of clumsy fondling. But lube? There are zillions of reasons for using it, ranging from age-related issues and medical conditions to alternate activities that don't include banging dehydrated grannies. Even fucking Cosmopolitan knows this. And if your sexual expertise is outgunned by a media entity that freely peddles the idea that a romantic relationship should be a clusterfuck of paranoia and petty vengeance, you need to step the fuck down from the lecturin' pedestal.
(You're still cool otherwise, though. Please don't track me down and choke me out.)
Nic Cage Will Only Eat Animals With Dignified Sex Lives
I was hesitant to include this because there's no way the world will benefit from knowing intimate details about Nicolas Cage's sex life. Luckily, his views on the subject of boning extend well beyond his own bed, right onto his plate. Namely, he only eats animals that have sex a certain way.
"I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds. But pigs, not so much. So I don't eat pig meat or things like that."
"Hi. I'm Nic Cage, and I'm here to talk about the way your bacon used to fuck."
Mr. Cage, if you happen to be reading this: I have a few follow-up questions to this reveal, if you would indulge me. How do you find out how a particular animal has "undignified" sex? For instance, most mammals fuck the exact same way. Are there differences with mounting techniques? Depth of thrust? How much time do you spend on YouTube studying different animals screwing and carefully taking notes? And how in the blue hell are birds somehow more dignified than most other animals? Ducks fuck like drunken circus people.
Gary Busey And The Art Of Screwing Inner Tubes
Ah, Gary Busey! The Nicolas Cage of yesteryear, with the added sympathetic features of a past head trauma which explains a number of his peculiarities, and the fact that he once landed some very decent blows on Mel Gibson's permed ass. Before we venture further into his current antics, take as an offering this reminder of what an extremely effective bad guy he used to be:
Well, I say "used to be." He can still be pretty hardcore when he wants, if he can stay coherent long enough. After all, it takes a pretty damn bad motherfucker to publicly share his tips about fucking inner tubes.
At some point in his recent F-list reality show years, Busey used to host a highly erratic web series known as The Busey Zone, sharing his views on things ranging from astral projection to flying. I've tried to watch the video behind that link several times in order to find out if he's talking about flying on planes or actually zipping about Superman-style, but I keep zoning out at the astral projection part to the point where I may actually have accidentally astral-projected my ass to the nearest bar.
You're good, Gary Busey, I give you that.
And then there was the time he told us how to have sex with inner tubes. I'm not going to relay the actual instructions, for fear of ruining some poor idiot's genitalia, but let's just say that the main ingredients (apart from the tube itself) seem to be rubber hosing, battery-powered devices, and a general sense of sexual malaise from taking fuckin' advice from fucking Gary Busey.
It's simultaneously disappointing and immensely relieving that the video itself appears to have been taken down, so I can't actually watch it and take in knowledge that I may never unlearn. Still, if you feel like risking discovering a new fetish that'll likely end up with tire marks all over your flattened dong, YouTube's oddly full of manuals on how to create a fuckable inner tube thing all of your own. And now we're all on a brand-new watch list.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and pretty sure he once saw a sex. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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