13

Sing The Same Song Eight Times

Ridderhof/Pixabay

Can you harmonize with yourself, or is that just me going insane? "The Alphabet Song," and by extension, the alphabet, the written form, and the entirety of civilization are starting to lose all meaning to me.

12

Never Stop Singing

geralt/Pixabay

Ok, let's try ... "Old McDonald's Farm." Endless verses there. Anything which makes a noise, really. This farm can have a cow, and a horse, and a dog, and a whale, and a truck, and a pirate, and a fax machine, and a, uh, two-stroke motorcycle, and a broken saxophone, and a ...

Please go to sleep.

11

Sleep On The Floor Near Their Bed

messomx/Pixabay

Ugh.

So this isn't at the top of the list for a reason. But this is doable and to get some sleep, any sleep, I have done it. Getting horizontal, that's all sleep really needs. Just lie down and heap some of the larger stuffed animals around me for warmth and ... ahhh.

10

Strap Them To Me And Walk Around The House

neslinglibrary/Pixabay

Ok. This worked when they were a baby. I'll just use one of these many devices for strapping children to me and strap a child to me, and I'll walk around the house and show them that the kitchen is asleep and the living room is asleep and that, in fact, every room in the house is asleep, and also hates them and wants them to sleep.

That should be fun.

9

Strap Them To Me And Dance Around The House

OpenClipart-Vectors/Pixabay

Ok, so that was less fun than I'd hoped.

Do I dare dance? I can see how that would work in theory. The rhythm is going to get you and everything. The main problem is that I haven't been cool in like a decade now, and I wasn't even that cool then, to be honest, so I'm not sure if my dancing is really going to cut it.

But I've tried everything else. And its not like this fool child will be able to recognize sub-par krumping.

-sub-par krumping around the house-

8

Just Ignore Them

TaniaVdB/Pixabay

7

Put Them In The Car And Drive, Just Anywhere

Simone_ph/Pixabay

Ok, this is a cop out. This is something I swore I'd never do, but someone in this house is going to get murdered if people don't get some sleep around here and I'm worried it might not be me.

So we'll just get in the car and drive. Anywhere.

6

Put Them In The Car And Drive, But Come Home Again Eventually

Simone_ph/Pixabay

Actually, I'll get in big trouble if I don't bring this kid home eventually, so lets revise that itinerary.

5

Put Them In The Car, Throw It In Drive, Walk Away

Jaymantri/Pixabay

Actually ... this may be the sleep deprivation talking, but this sounds pretty feasible. How fast can a car move in drive, really?

4

Sleep In A Quickly Filling Ditch Near Their Bed

petrabosse/Pixabay

Ok, so the kid's in more of a car seat then a bed, but yeah, I guess I deserve this. I made my ditch, now I'll lie in it.

3

Drugs

dertrick/Pixabay

Ok, so long as it's just me and you, the readers of a moderately popular list-based website, yeah, drugs. The lad always sleeps great when he's sick after getting dosed up with children's Tylenol or whatever. The boy's clearly got a pretty bad case of ... sleeping annoyance syndrome. So what's really preventing me from doing that again now?

Morals, sure. A basic understanding of medicine and the precautionary principle. I'll get in trouble, again.

Well maybe I'll just take the damned drugs then.

-more sub-par krumping around the house-

2

Let The Kid In My Bed

Mysticsartdesign/Pixabay

Fine. Fuck it. FUCK IT. I know this is bad. I know this is the nuclear option, the last resort which will spread radioactive behavioral patterns that won't dissipate for hundreds of years.

I don't care.

-sub-par krumps them into my bed-

-minutes pass-

HOW ARE YOU NOT ASLEEP WHAT MAGIC IS THIS HAVE YOU ANGERED A DRUID OR SOMETHING DO I NEED TO PUT A RING OF SALT AROUND THE BED I AM SERIOUSLY CONCERNED HERE

1

Demonstrate Affection

3dman_eu/Pixabay

I wonder. I just wonder. This might be crazy enough to work.

-cautious hug-

Oh. It worked.

Probably not a good look that I've never tried that before.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and enchanting singer. As the author of the amazing novels, Freeze/Thaw and Severance he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

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