13

Lady Parts Hood

westbohemia.com

I wanted you to look at this for as long as I have looked at it but I couldn't do that in good conscience (which is to say editorial determined I was awful for trying to show this to you). If you're not sure what's happening, and why should you because nothing intuitive is happening here, then I will confirm: That's a rubber forehead-based vagina and a rubber mouth-butt. There are also two nose holes above the mouth-butt. Like a taint breathing apparatus. So this is basically a latex undercarriage face mask that turns you into the rejected Hellraiser cenobite Guntface. I debated this device with Gladstone, and he feels that the vagina is more decorative than functional, but I refuse to speculate on the motives of the person who would wear and/or use this.

Fun Website Quote: EUR 268.24

12

Holy Water Plug

Oxballs.com

11

Orgasmatron

Dominicwilcox.com

Created as part of a design challenge, the Orgasmatron 3000 combines housework with debauchery, because sometimes having your fluids running down the washing machine is acceptable. I'm not convinced that these were ever produced for consumers, but it's enough that one exists, potentially with seasoned leather all around it to appeal to a lonesome housewife somewhere who has a lot of Tide and whites that need whitening in the dirtiest way possible.

Fun Website Quote: This leather clad washing machine and saddle aims [to] bring the fun back to housework.

10

Humiliator Gag System

ScottPaulDesigns.com

9

Sex Droid

Andydroid.com

The entire site this thing comes from is just a blue comedian's wet dream, it's ridiculous. Translated from the German, it's lost a touch of whatever dignity it may have once had, and it now features small print letting you know that large nipples will only cost you 5 Euros more and that their Andy doll is so realistic that she'll scream when you caress her. Pro tip: She's not supposed to scream when you caress her. Your sex doll has been made horribly wrong.

Elsewhere on the site, you can purchase an 8-inch-tall doll that has a human-sized vagina. Which is also precisely what happens at the beginning of so many unsolved murders.

Fun Website Quote: She will, by her bobbing bosom, tell you the exact state of the road.

8

The Birdcage

Stockroom.com

7

Butt Locks

Oxballs.com

You'll notice very quickly that this looks almost exactly like a trailer hitch. And then you'll think of what this article is about and be horrified, even though your mind hasn't fully worked out the logistics yet. You just know that a trailer hitch sex toy is probably wrong in some way. And you'd be right. You'd be right.

What's that? You expect more from me? Well, since you insist -- yes, you loop the round part over your junk, spin that sucker back and then the hitch goes in your hiney. All of this presumably happens while you are conscious and not in an Eli Roth film.

Fun Website Quote: Most Popular.

6

This Thing

tsx-toys.com

5

Permanent Plug/Showerhead

Stockroom.com

Tired of the way your cavernous, merciless ass always destroys butt plugs? Aren't we all. Thankfully, this aluminum plug is meant to withstand your asstruction, but it doesn't even end there. Read the description and you'll learn two horrible facts:

1. You can remove the center and, through a series of curious muscle contractions, crap through this thing.

2. You can then attach a shower hose to clean yourself out and possibly explode your insides.

If this doesn't amuse you in any way, you can also make use of this terrifying thing that was purposely modeled after a medieval torture device:

Fun Website Quote: Insertable Length: 4.5 in

4

Latex Vac Bed

Latexnemesis.com

3

Bunny Hood

Stockroom.com

I don't know what sexual fetish this represents, beyond an unwholesome infatuation with bunnies, which is the sort of shit that gets people from Florida on the news. But if you're in the mood to maybe costume some characters in your Saw knockoff, or get people to leave your dinner party early, it may be a multipurpose sort of thing. I bet the inside always smells like teardrops and mischief.

Fun Website Quote: This animal face hood is hand crafted from premium garment leather by highly skilled seamstresses.

2

Artificial Hymen

Aliexpress.com

I read the description for this about three times in a row. It's like watching that scene in Ghost Rider 2 when Nick Cage is riding his motorcycle and trying to fight off becoming the Ghost Rider -- it just stuns you with its insanity, and you're suddenly enraptured.

If you can't tell from the wooden box, this is a fake hymen. The broken English on the site assures me that this is some kind of cellulose vagina plug that will quickly dissolve and leave you airtight once it's in place. Plus it lets you know that if you act shy and lay in a position that makes it hard for the man to get in, you'll really sell the lie. And they named it after Joan of Arc. So there's that.

Fun Website Quote: Implantation must act fast to avoid sticky fingers in the lead up.

1

Anal Ring Toss

stockroom.com

And finally we come to the entry that we felt we couldn't show you in any non-illustrated format, both because the images of it are too horrible and I figured everyone would rather see my party-robot doing this to Gladstone. I like to imagine that the sales pitch in the 80s toy commercial went something like this: "Hey kids, tired of all those old, boring party games? Does pin the tail on the donkey make you wonky? Is bobbing for apples appalling? Are lawn darts giving you long farts? That last one didn't make sense, and it doesn't need to, thanks to anal ring toss! Just jam the plastic rod up someone else's ass and throw rings at it. That's literally the entire point of this thing! Throwing rings at a plastic rod jammed in someone else's ass! Get yours today!"

Fun Website Quote: You score when your yellow ring successfully lands around the scoring pole in the goalie's bum.

For more from Ian, check out 18 More of the World's Most Disturbing Sex Toys and The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.