15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares

I'm no amateur at this, I know that some people are into having their goodies ground into paste, I'm hip. But this thing literally looks exactly like the nutcracker my parents had when I was a kid, except in surgical steel and with less heart.

If you're not sure how this thing works just by looking at it, you could go to the site and see a demonstration, but will that really make you feel better? How could it be used in any way that isn't awful?

Fun Website Quote: Unscrew the bottom ring on the flask using the included Allen wrenches, and insert testicles.

Last time I did one of these, I included a pair of pants meant to recycle your own urine into a fun party game for your butt. This may seem like it's a step down from that thanks to our little mosaic meant to preserve a portion of your sanity, but I would beg to differ. This here is a medical-style mask, a hose, and the fact that this exists solely for the purpose of someone taking a long pull off of your goodie zone gases like the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors, but in an erotic fashion ... it's almost too surreal.

Fun Website Quote: They can be fitted to our corrugated rubber tubes, masks and re-breather kits.

I wanted you to look at this for as long as I have looked at it but I couldn't do that in good conscience (which is to say editorial determined I was awful for trying to show this to you). If you're not sure what's happening, and why should you because nothing intuitive is happening here, then I will confirm: That's a rubber forehead-based vagina and a rubber mouth-butt. There are also two nose holes above the mouth-butt. Like a taint breathing apparatus. So this is basically a latex undercarriage face mask that turns you into the rejected Hellraiser cenobite Guntface. I debated this device with Gladstone, and he feels that the vagina is more decorative than functional, but I refuse to speculate on the motives of the person who would wear and/or use this.

Fun Website Quote: EUR 268.24

Looking at this picture, it's not immediately evident what this is or why you should be shocked and appalled. And it's not even the religious imagery that makes this so off-putting (it doesn't help); it's that this is a 2-inch-long piece of metal designed to be inside your wiener. That hole is for peeing. But wait, it doesn't end there. This thing is for the same purpose:

Oxballs.com

Do you know what else sprinkles out of there besides pee? The last dregs of your shame.

Fun Website Quote: This is one slick piece of dick-metal.

Created as part of a design challenge, the Orgasmatron 3000 combines housework with debauchery, because sometimes having your fluids running down the washing machine is acceptable. I'm not convinced that these were ever produced for consumers, but it's enough that one exists, potentially with seasoned leather all around it to appeal to a lonesome housewife somewhere who has a lot of Tide and whites that need whitening in the dirtiest way possible.

Fun Website Quote: This leather clad washing machine and saddle aims [to] bring the fun back to housework.

Fun Website Quote: The entire "Humiliator" system began with a "Scott Paul" idea for a toilet brush gag.

Elsewhere on the site, you can purchase an 8-inch-tall doll that has a human-sized vagina. Which is also precisely what happens at the beginning of so many unsolved murders.

Fun Website Quote: She will, by her bobbing bosom, tell you the exact state of the road.

Fun Website Quote: PLEASE BE SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL!

Fun Website Quote: Most Popular.

Fun Website Quote: We can make this item in all of the following Jelly Colors: Bubble Gum Pearl

2. You can then attach a shower hose to clean yourself out and possibly explode your insides.

If this doesn't amuse you in any way, you can also make use of this terrifying thing that was purposely modeled after a medieval torture device:

Fun Website Quote: Insertable Length: 4.5 in

Because the makers of sex toys are responsible, they recommend ensuring that the person in the bed can breathe before you seal them in, because they're so going to die if you don't.

Fun Website Quote: Never use this device for self-bondage.

Fun Website Quote: This animal face hood is hand crafted from premium garment leather by highly skilled seamstresses.

I read the description for this about three times in a row. It's like watching that scene in Ghost Rider 2 when Nick Cage is riding his motorcycle and trying to fight off becoming the Ghost Rider -- it just stuns you with its insanity, and you're suddenly enraptured.

If you can't tell from the wooden box, this is a fake hymen. The broken English on the site assures me that this is some kind of cellulose vagina plug that will quickly dissolve and leave you airtight once it's in place. Plus it lets you know that if you act shy and lay in a position that makes it hard for the man to get in, you'll really sell the lie. And they named it after Joan of Arc. So there's that.

Fun Website Quote: Implantation must act fast to avoid sticky fingers in the lead up.