Make sure to talk to lots of people while you're there, to ingratiate yourself somewhat and minimize the odds of being spotted as the dangerous loner you surely are. Also, this will ensure that when you do get kicked out, everyone will have a great story to tell of their brush with legend. When speaking, don't bother to feign a Siamese accent -- simply claim you were educated abroad. In Australia. Use the most put-on Australian accent you can. (If you're Australian, use the same story, but make it a school for the deaf, and use sign language.) Speak at great lengths about your studies of the immigrant prostitute subculture of Sydney. Use body language and vigorous hand gestures to communicate your passion for the subject.

"If their penis is only this big, can you even call them a transsexual? I'd say at least 90 percent female. At Least."

#8. The Ceremony

Once the ceremony begins, Do Not Fuck Around. Interfering with the marriage rite itself will cause the wrath of the English God -- who has obeyed the English throne since 1534 -- to crash down on you mightily. Sit quietly and think of immigrant prostitutes, subduing your hand gestures somewhat out of respect for the occasion.

#7. This is a Time For Celebration

Once the ceremony is complete, select guests will be invited back to the reception, which will either be at Buckingham Palace or the Planet Hollywood off Leicester Square (plans were not finalized at the time this article went to press). Once there, take the time to enjoy the libations on offer. Conscious of the need to appear upright in front of their peers, most of the other guests will refrain from the refreshment tables, meaning short lines for those who have no such qualms about getting their gin on (you, namely).

"They say the secret to a good gin and tonic is two fingers of whiskey."

#6. The Proper Fork For Putting Cake in Your Cake Hole

Etiquette is extremely important during the eating act, and violating it will inch you a bit closer to getting kicked out. Use forks and knives at random, occasionally upside down. Use your wine glass as a crude spoon to scoop food into your mouth. Finally, during the soup course, discretely remove your mustache and tuck it behind your ear, so as not to stain it.

#5. Dancing

The first dance belongs to the couple, and again, interfering with this is likely to end in gunshot wounds, rather than the bruised kidneys we were going for. Wait for the second dance, and then try to start a waltz battle, using lots of posturing and aggressive chest pounding. Use the significant amount of pants slippage you should now be experiencing as part of your "throw down," by pretending to tangle up your legs in your own trousers only to use that as an entry to some advanced floorwork, which itself leads to more posturing -- now substantially more pantsless and thus more intimidating.

Make them.

"Hor hor hor hor hor! Vaginal Sex! Hor hor hor hor hor!"

#3. Make Friends With an Animal

One of the more exotic guests will always brings a tame tiger or llama to these things, so find out where that's being kept penned and introduce yourself with a gift of berries or raw meat. Whisper to them that you're really the same, not meant for this place, not meant for this caged and hunted existence. Who the fuck closes the bar at 8:00pm?

#2. Assertiveness

When someone asks who specifically you think you are, and you've forgotten your cover story, respond by striking them, open palmed, in the groin. Repeat with the three people nearest to you -- they will have similar questions about your identity. Depending on the level of cultural development in the societies these particular guests originate from, prepare yourself for combat by fisticuffs, swordplay or knife shoes.

Assuming you survive the Assertiveness step above (you should be in OK shape if you were the one with knife shoes) it is now time to get kicked out of this party. The trick to getting kicked out of a party like a gentleman is to do so with a well planed coup de grace -- in this case, a charge down the grand staircase of the palace/Planet Hollywood on the back of a llama, who is tripping over the pants you have put on it, hoping to disguise it as a reverse centaur. Your escape, cut short by a llama spill yards from the exit, will result in a spectacular ejection from the party, and a diplomatic black mark the Kingdom of Siam will not soon erase.