The Alien Visitor, Struggling to Understand Us
Not everyone gets why things are funny. Which is fine until they blame it on me. I seemed to be in the path of this Darcy person on the exact day he or she discovered what "humor" was.
Honestly ... more insightful and entertaining criticism comes from people who actually like the game week by week. This article could have been one sentence long and made precisely the same point, it really just seems like an excuse to use creative similes for large groups of stupid people.
A one sentence article? I don't think it'd be very responsible of me to write a comedy article that was one sentence long, star traveler. Those creative similes you mentioned are called "jokes" down here. They are one of the ways we Earth-monsters give pleasure to one another. The other is swapping genetic fluid, but I imagine anyone lucky enough to have sex with you gets to skip the unnecessary intercourse part and go straight to the weird smell in the air.
But now that you mention it, Darcy, I like your way of doing things. What it lacks in fun it makes up for inefficiency. Bruce Willis could have texted everyone "I M DEAD" and saved M. Night Shyamalan all the trouble of making that movie. Oh, and think of the printing costs Herman Melville could have saved if he'd just tweeted "my friend Ishmael won't shut up about how much he hates some f*****g whale. egg salad for lunch yum!"
The Secret Rival
The Secret Rival exists in the shadows. I never actually see him, but he is my worst enemy and my most faithful reader, popping up every now and then to reassure everyone I still ruin his life. With every article he continues to read, he hates me more and further hates the world that allows me to exist. More than anything, though, he hates the taste of his giant Me poster... but he must be ready for our first kiss.
Jimmy Donahue Says:
This was a very retarded article. It's just not funny. You need to get some funny material or get the Hell outta Cracked.