10 Everyday Scenarios Where That Pie Is Clearly A Trap
Well, it's up and happened. A delicious pie is right there. On a windowsill, or a store shelf, or in the arms of a fair maiden, it doesn't matter. It is a pie and it is everything.
It is so tempting that it ... it couldn't be a trap could it? Could your enemies, who are as numerous as they are clever, have placed this pie here to ruin you? That is just like them.
Well, to help you deal with this scenario which all normal people go through every day, I've laid out a few telltales you can use to help spot when a delicious pie is actually a trap, or worse, a ploy. I trust you to use this information only for good, or, if the situation absolutely demands it, evil.
It's Underneath A Large Net
This might seem obvious, but I don't know who you are or what you're bringing to the table. Statistics tell me that over 60 percent of the people being seduced by pies are idiots, so here we are going over the basics.
That's fine, just don't scratch too hard or you'll hurt your brain.
Anyways, if you ever see a large net and you're not in a fishing or circus or gladiator-type environment, you're probably dealing with a trap. Don't touch that pie.
It's Perched Atop Some Loose Foliage
This is basically the same idea, though a little harder to detect off the cuff, and again, especially if you're an idiot.
I'm taking a lot of swings at you this column, I know. It's just I've been hurt by a lot of pies in my own past. It's hard for me to trust.
The main thing is to keep an eye out for incongruences. Pies are generally found in built-up or suburban environments, so if you come across one in a jungle, that's clearly not right. There's probably a pit underneath it. By the same token, a pile of loose foliage has no earthly business in the middle of even the most slovenly-run office. Nice try, enemies.
In fact let's expand this to the more general case ...
It's Located On The Floor
A pie on the floor is not natural. You have to think there's a trap door or spike-lined pit or something directly underneath that. An acid cauldron. The Abyss Of Clowns. Just trust me here. Stay away from that pie.
But, somewhat confusingly, you should also mistrust a pie if ...
It's Not Located On The Floor
If you find a pie perched atop a stone plinth or pedestal, that too strongly suggests that a pressure switch will be activated if you remove the pie. Also, plinths are mainly in tombs, so where did the pie come from? Nothing about this is adding up at all.
And if the pie is hovering in the air, that's also probably a trap. You've angered a sorcerer or djinn or something. Think back carefully on the events of the past few days and you'll probably see where you erred and angered an ancient force.
It's Handed To You By Someone Smiling Far Too Much
People don't like you.
Which means if a pie is ever brought to you by someone smiling -- not baring their teeth, that's fine -- then something is definitely up. The pie they are offering is a trap, it will lead to your downfall, and will one day be sung about by bards. You must avoid this at all costs.
You Are In A Job Interview
Job interviews allow a company to evaluate potential candidates for a variety of things, like technical competence, professionalism, and pie-gratification delay.
I think it was IBM that started this.
Which means if a deliciously steaming pie is present during a job interview, it is almost certainly a test, if not an outright trap. Eating it would, at minimum, be an outrageous power play, which if you get away with, well, wow. Go you.
You probably won't though, and are far more likely to ruin someone's birthday. A djinn's? Maybe.
Again, mainly a problem at IBM.
You Have Stolen Pies From Here Before
If you're in the habit of stealing pies, don't keep stealing them from the same place. That's, like, raccoon-thinking, man.
The Emperor Is Also There
If you're in a situation where you, a) have an Emperor, and b) he's present, then there's a good chance the pie in front of you is a trap. Whether it's a ploy to poison his enemies at a fancy dinner party, or a lure to bring you and your comrades within range of what is actually a fully armed and operational battle station, almost nothing good ever comes from having an Emperor around.
And even if he is one of the few Emperors without malice in his heart, it will just be awkward eating a pie in front of him. You'll feel itchy the whole time, knowing he's staring at you.
You Were Told About It By Someone Who Would Never Betray You
The thing about people that would never betray you is that they almost always betray you. Lifelong friends, spouses, the Emperor; all of them thirst for your downfall. If anyone you trust tells you about a pie, smack them in the neck and run.
It Is Too Good To Be True
As you walk the earth, getting duped by baked goods and so on, you will learn to get a sense for when a pie is too good to be true. Maybe it shows up at an opportune moment, or maybe it's exactly the right flavor, or maybe it's there and the Emperor is nowhere to be seen. If your first reaction upon seeing a pie is, "Yes. That right there looks good and safe," that's a bad sign. Someone is playing you, and you're about to be poisoned or spike-pitted or dragged unwillingly into a show-trial for treason.
Maybe just try the Safeway? The ones they have there are never too good to be true.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and excellent at delaying pie-gratification. As the author of the amazing novels, Freeze/Thaw and Severance he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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