Anyway, while normally your speed tends to decrease with age, Daniel M'Mburugu was not like most 70-year-old Kenyans. He was instead the African Clint Eastwood, a dude so tough you could sharpen a knife just by holding it in the air next to his face.
One day, Daniel was minding his own business tending to his potato garden when suddenly giant spotted death in the form of a leopard lunged towards him, probably thinking that it had some easy pickings on the way. Unfortunately for the leopard, Daniel wasn't taking any of Death's calls that day (play some metal right here for the ultimate effect).
As the leopard lunged and knocked him to the ground, Daniel's seven decades of life told him exactly what he had to do: Rip the bastard's fucking tongue out with his bare hands.
Get up, go to the soda machine, then come back to your desk and read that sentence again. Sadly, Craig Clasen's friends weren't there to take pictures.
Badass Rating: 10/10
That's right, Daniel scores a perfect 10 on our badass scale, if for no other reason than one we haven't mentioned yet. Remember how we speculated about the old man in the snake fight tossed aside his knife just to be badass? Well that actually happened here.
"A weapon? No. I only use this for whittling."
That's right; Daniel had a machete at the start of the fight, but he dropped it because the voice of God told him to kill the leopard with his bare hands.
We may question the wisdom of a God that would say, "You know what, don't bother with the machete," but then again, would God not want the more awesome story?
Want to be Internet famous? Cracked can help! Just go here and sign up. No experience necessary.
For animals that were altered to kill you, check out 5 Awesome Movies Ruined By Last-Minute Changes. Or find out about some cuddly critters that will wreck you no matter what, in The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You.
Or, visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to see David Wong wrestle a bear (it's actually just Brockway with no clothes on).
Don't forget to follow us on Twitter to get previews of upcoming articles and trick your friends into thinking you're psychic.