This Is How Eric Cartman Answered the ‘Inside the Actors Studio’ Questionnaire
Eric Cartman isn’t a real person, hence why you’ve never read any news stories about a Colorado youth getting arrested for orchestrating the deaths of two people and turning their corpses into a batch of revenge chili.
But that doesn’t mean that some legit media outlets haven’t spoken with him as if he were a genuine human being. Specifically, back in 2008, NPR’s Julie Rovner interviewed Cartman, giving him the Proust Questionnaire, the series of questions popularized by French writer Marcel Proust — and later, put to good use by James Lipton on Inside the Actors Studio.
When asked to name his favorite word, Cartman responded, “Favorite word let’s see. My least favorite word is ‘no.’ Or ‘don’t.’ Or ‘ecosystem.’ I don’t like that word either, I don’t know why I don’t like that word.”
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Queried about his favorite sound, Cartman cited “the sound of people that I don’t like crying. Like the tears running down their cheeks actually makes a nose.” His least favorite? “The sound of babies laughing.” As for his favorite swear word, Cartman answered, “Tampon. I know it’s not even that super-hardcore of a curse word, I just think it sounds super-funny.
Cartman had a hard time coming up with his biggest fault. “I guess it would have to be that sometimes I’m so cool that it makes other kids feel bad,” he concluded. But Cartman had a less hard time naming his biggest hero. “This might sound kind of egotastical (sic) but it’s actually, I would have to say, myself.”
For his “favorite color” he replied “definitely caucasian,” but later added, “I’m fine with Black people.” He refused to say what he appreciates about his friends (“My friends are all assholes”) and said that when he grows up his chosen profession will be to “eat stuff and play Xbox. But I think that then there’ll be a better Xbox then. So whatever the best Xbox is, I wanna play that. And eat stuff.” And any financial concerns will be taken care of by his mom, naturally. He specifically told Rovner, though, that he doesn’t want to be an interviewer.
His “motto” to live by is “shut-up stupid, I hate you!” And if Heaven exists, and God welcomes him at the Pearly Gates, Cartman would like to hear them say, “Eric, all of this is yours. I’m done, you’re in charge now.”
Finally, his “idea of happiness” is basically just I Am Legend. “Nobody on Earth but me,” Cartman explained. “It’s like that Will Smith movie, when he was like the last guy on Earth, but he was all freaked out about it. I’d be super-stoked.”
In retrospect, James Lipton really dropped the ball by not inviting Cartman on the show.
