Dennis’ Secret Scheme in the ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’/’Abbott Elementary’ Crossover Was Shockingly Wholesome

Back when the Abbott Elementary mid-season premiere “Volunteers” first aired, we predicted that whatever Dennis Reynolds was doing while he anxiously avoided the show's diegetic camera crew had to be dark. Turns out that was just the roast.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is back with new episodes after an unmerciful two-year hiatus, and the first entry of the eagerly anticipated Season 17 concluded the two-part story of the show’s crosstown crossover with Abbott Elementary. Six months after we first saw Mac, Dennis, Charlie, Dee and Frank descend on an unsuspecting, underfunded public school in West Philadelphia for a week of court-ordered “volunteer” work, the Abbott Elementary camera crew’s “hidden footage” revealed the real schemes, subterfuge and conspiracy theories that the Paddy’s Pub Gang unleashed on their hosts.

As promised by both Abbott Elementary and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia producers, tonight’s Always Sunny premiere, “The Gang F***s Up Abbott Elementary,” finally revealed Dennis’ secret scheme to… make all the teachers delicious coffee?

Yes, while Charlie was learning to read, Dee was trying to destroy Janine’s life and become the main character of Abbott Elementary, Mac was testing out 9/11 conspiracy theories with a flamethrower and Frank was scheming to steal the copper pipes out of the school’s walls, Dennis’ dastardly plan for his time at Abbott was to rig up a Gale Boetticher-style coffee machine using borrowed equipment from the school’s science lab. On top of that, Dennis decided to be the staff’s barista for the week, hand-delivering complex coffee orders to all the Abbott teachers seemingly out of the goodness of his heart.

Now, anyone who has ever taken a lab-safety test knows damn well that Dennis was breaking the all-important rule to never, ever eat or drink out of lab equipment. Considering the dangers of consuming coffee that came out of a distillation apparatus that almost definitely contained highly toxic chemicals before Dennis commandeered the rig, you just know that those lattes had to be incredible if the science teachers were willing to look the other way from the operation.

The last time we saw Dennis on-screen, he was ripping the heart out of the Always Sunny universe’s equivalent of Elon Musk before crushing it into a diamond and eating it (in a dream).Thankfully, Dennis’ efforts to lower his blood pressure and stress levels in “Dennis Takes A Mental Health Day” seem to be paying off, as “The Gang F***s Up Abbott Elementary” just teased a more tame, more considerate Dennis for Season 17 than the Golden God whom fans have long believed to be a serial killer.

Then again, in the second-to-last scene of “The Gang F***s Up Abbott Elementary,” Dennis does use the goodwill from his barista skills to trick the Abbott staff into coming down to Paddy’s Pub while Frank tears copper out of their walls. But, as Ava admitted, the school was going to have to do that anyway, so Dennis helped to save the school money while keeping its teachers “as happy as you are caffeinated.”

In another, better life, Dennis himself may have been happy working as an attentive and methodical barista instead of a psychotic bartender, but a life in public education would never have suited him, considering what happened when he got fired from that summer camp.