Roastmaster Jeff Ross’ Doctor Roasted Him When Delivering Cancer Diagnosis
Comedian Jeff Ross has staked his career on his reputation as the Roastmaster General, pummeling celebrities with devastating punchlines over decades of celebrity roasts. Ross knows that if he’s famous for dishing it out, he has to take the burns as well — even when they come from his smart-ass oncologist.
It all started when Ross’ friend Jordan encouraged him to get a colonoscopy a couple of years back. “I was already in my 50s,” Ross told Jimmy Kimmel this week, “and I’d never gotten a colonoscopy.”
Kimmel was quick to point out that their mutual pal Jordan is a famous hypochondriac, the kind of guy who tells everyone over 50 to get a colonoscopy. Note to Kimmel: Recommending common health checks doesn’t necessarily make Jordan a hypochondriac.
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Besides, Jordan’s advice might have saved Ross’ kosher bacon. “I went in, I had no symptoms and I had a tumor in my colon,” Ross revealed. “And you always think it’s never going to happen to you, and it happened to me.”
The doctor broke the news to Ross in the roastiest way possible. “Jeff, good news and bad news. The bad news is you’re going to need six months of chemo. The good news is you lost your hair a long time ago.”
Damn, Dr. Colonoscopy! That’s harsh!
Ross had surgery last summer to remove the tumor, getting rid of seven inches of colon in the process. “Now I have a semicolon,” Ross said, a joke so corny that it earned a rimshot from Kimmel’s drummer.
But Ross wasn’t done with the medical punchlines. “I had surgery, laparoscopic surgery so I have holes around here, little holes,” he said, moving his hand around his belly to illustrate. “I’m like 50 Cent if instead of getting shot, he ate pastrami twice a week for 50 years.”
Post-procedure, Kimmel commended Ross on seeming fit. Well, not fit exactly but maybe… nimble?
Ross laughed and disagreed. “I look like The Rock,” he said, “if he ate everything that he smelled.”
Ross’ health troubles play a prominent role in the one-man show he’s bringing to Broadway, Jeff Ross: Take a Banana for the Ride. The insult comic used his Kimmel appearance to roast his own show:
- “I love the classic Broadway shows, Jimmy. If you like Annie, you'll love my show ‘cause I play the bald guy and the orphan.”
- “I love Broadway. I love Fiddler on the Roof, but if I were a rich man, I wouldn’t be doing eight shows a week.”
- “If you like Wicked, you’ll love my show because I defy gravity every time I get out of a chair.”
Oof. For Ross’ sake, let’s hope his Take a Banana for the Ride punchlines pack more punch or he’ll be Off-Off-Off Broadway before you know it.
