I Would Feed My Right Hand to A Gator to Stop Adam Sandler From Making ‘Happy Gilmore 2’

It’s official — Adam Sandler is working on a 28-years-too-late sequel to Happy Gilmore, and I’ll never be happy again.

For a film superstar so synonymous with creatively bankrupt, comically phoned-in “comedies” that still collect nine figures at the box office, it’s shocking that Sandler waited this long to start mining his Golden Age for that sweet, sweet, sequel cash. Sure, Sandler turned Grown Ups, Hotel Transylvania and Murder Mystery into multi-movie paydays, but, let’s be honest, nobody’s going to be quoting the original Grown Ups over a quarter-century after its premiere in the same way amateur golfers today still shout at their left-short birdie putts, “Are you too good for your home?!?!” 

In the two-decades-plus following the Sandman’s creative peak, Sandler left his legendary run of all-time classic comedies alone while he made millions off of trash heaps like Jack and Jill and Pixels. But, as of this month, that streak is coming to an end as Sandler has confirmed that, not only is Happy Gilmore 2 in the works, but the script is already in its second draft. 

Sandman, whatever they’re paying you to dig up that dead body, I promise you that the price is wrong (bitch).

“We’ve been talking about a ‘Happy 2,’ and we’re working on some stuff,” Sandler said during an appearance on The Dan Patrick Show earlier this month after actor Christopher McDonald, who played Shooter McGavin in the original Happy Gilmore, spilled the beans on Sandler’s secret sequel script. Added Sandler, “But don’t tell anybody.” In addition to McDonald’s blabbing, Sandler’s close friend Drew Barrymore had previously hinted that Happy was ready to hit the links one more time. 

Sandler said of the sequel, “Netflix is excited about it,” promising that he will use the project to honor the previous installment’s stars who have since passed on, including his old brawling buddy Bob Barker, the hilarious heckler Joe Flaherty and, of course, the late, great Carl Weathers, without whose missing hand Happy would never have become a champion. 

But, really, why is it that, after so many years of nobly abstaining from the depressing sequel craze that desecrates the memories of so many classic comedies, Sandler is finally ready to crack open that tomb on his late-1990s-to-early-2000s hits and start plundering? Why does Happy Gilmore, of all movies, have to be the first one to fall? And, should the price of preventing a possible Blues Brothers 2000 be paid in blood, do I at least get to pick the hand?