15 Quick Jokes That Are Like a Sip of Gatorade During Summer Three-a-Days
Not a gulp. A sip. You hear me? You start chugging that stuff and you’ll be yakking up fruit punch all over my field mid-burpee.
Tim Vine Kicking It Off with Chimney Jokes
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes — I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
Milton Jones Meets His Heroes
“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.”
Demetri Martin on Peak Cruelty
“The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Peter Kay Has the ‘Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road’ of a New Generation
“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’”
Ken Dodd’s Chronic Illness
“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Sara Pascoe Boosted Her Career
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”
Tim Vine Knows Exactly How British He Sounds
“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’”
Eric Morecambe Was Just Trying to Do Something Nice
“I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.”
Milton Jones Has Trouble Describing His Wife’s Profession
“My wife — it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
Ronnie Barker’s Getting Mixed Signals
“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’”
Tim Vine’s Favorite Compliment
“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
Suzy Izzard Has Some Edits for God
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’”
Nick Helm’s Strong Password
“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
Matt Kirshen Would Like to Make a Wager
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”
Richard Lewis’ Discount Festival of Lights
“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.”
