Please Enjoy This Forgotten Norm Macdonald Christmas Track

All Norm Macdonald wanted for Christmas was a freaking hat. Was that so much to ask?

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On Macdonald’s 2006 album Ridiculous, the comedian recorded a holiday track that’s a perfect seasonal listen. “The Twelve Days of Christmas” is a Bob Newhart-inspired bit with hapless Norm engaging in a phone conversation with his beloved. We can only hear Macdonald’s side of the story, but it’s easy to imagine the rest as his true love sends him all the gifts in the song.

On the first day of Christmas, Macdonald calls with a thank you, although he’s a little perplexed. After all, he’d “been dropping some broad hints about maybe getting a hat.” Instead, it’s a partridge in a pear tree. It’s a helluva gift — in fact, it’s two gifts in one. “I mean, I get the partridge and I get a tree.”

He’s a little less grateful on the fourth day of Christmas. Between the four calling birds, three French hens and two turtle doves, not to mention the partridge, he’s now got 10 birds in his apartment. “I’m not really a bird person, as you know, honey,” Macdonald says. “I’m more of a, well, a hat person.”

By the seventh day of Christmas, Macdonald’s apartment has become some kind of avian hellscape. Turns out that geese (a-laying or otherwise) and French hens are natural enemies. “No more birds!” Wouldn’t a better idea for the next day be “eight hats a-hatting”?

Macdonald’s in complete meltdown by the 12th day of Christmas. What do eight maids a-miking actually milk if you don’t have cows available in your one-bedroom apartment? (Turns out, the answer is “swans.”) 

By the time drumming drummers and piping pipers show up, Macdonald has had enough: “Honey, I think we should see other people.”

Still don’t have your fill of Macdonald holiday goodness? Enjoy his Family Guy reading of Twas the Night Before Christmas while you hang your stockings by the chimney with care.