David Spade’s Best Jokes from ‘SNL’s Hollywood Minute
David Spade’s Hollywood Minute was his most successful bit on Saturday Night Live, even if it’s the one that got him in the most hot water. His poke at Eddie Murphy launched one of the show’s longest-running feuds. (They’ve since kissed and made up.)
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“I was just basically sitting at the writers’ room, bored, reading People magazine, commenting about what was going on in the world, and just making fun of everyone,” Spade recalled in the SNL oral history Live From New York. “Someone was like, ‘Why don’t you just do that on the show? That’s what you’re good at.’” And that’s what he did.
Here are the best jokes about 1990s celebs from Spade’s best, most mean-spirited running gag…
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Macaulay Culkin
“Hi. First off, your dad is nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid: You’re cute. You got blond hair. Everyone loves you. It’s true. Here’s the catch: I used to look exactly like you when I was 10. This is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to hell!”
Princess Diana
“In one of Princess Di’s love letters to her boyfriend James Hewitt, she wrote, “I need your kisses. I need your body. I need loving.” Sure, it’s embarrassing, but it did get her a job writing songs for Journey.”
Michael Bolton
“Big star, popular musician. But guess what? You’re bald, and we all know it. I don’t care how long you’re growing your hair on the back, we know what’s happening on top. I know you sold 9 million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one.”
Iggy Pop
“Hi, I’m Iggy Pop. Has anyone seen five quarts of blood? It was in my body when I left the house five years ago.”
Chevy Chase
“(His new talk show) had a rough start. But the good thing is, I heard his band came up with a new theme song. (Whistles ‘Taps.’)”
Jim Carrey
“I saw Ace Ventura. You know, Jim, it’s very dangerous to mix Play It Too Big Juice with Overacting Pills. Howie Mandel almost died from that lethal combination.”
Mr. T
“Hey, I’ll say, ‘I pity the fool’ for 20 bucks… Okay, 15.”
Fabio
“Hi there. My fame is at 14 minutes and counting.”
Heather Locklear
“Heather Locklear will star in an NBC TV movie about a woman with 20 personalities that are linked by one common trait — they all can’t act.”
Cindy Crawford
“I saw that new Charlie perfume commercial where Cindy Crawford sings… Yikes! (sings in a monotone) ‘And they call it… tone deaf!’ How can you do this? Cindy, what was going through your mole?”
Tony Danza
“Tony Danza is back with his new hit series, Hudson Street. If you look on a map, Hudson Street is located near the corner of Lame and Contrived.”
Antonio Banderas
“Hi there. I’ve been in four movies this year. I’ll give you a thousand dollars if you can name one of them.”
Martin Scorsese’s ‘Casino’
“Ca-seen-it. But I liked it better the first time when it was called Goodfellas.”
La Toya Jackson
“La Toya, out of all the Jacksons, how screwed up do you have to be to be known as the crazy one?”
