5 Modern Foods That Would Kill A Pilgrim
You may be familiar with the delightful and classic tweet by @garbagecoven that posits a simple hypothesis: a single Sour Patch Kid would kill a pilgrim instantly. We know it’s not medically true, but it does feel like, given a time machine and the capability to try it, you’d at least want the town doctor nearby. The advancements made in flavor technology and food offerings in general over the last few centuries are unimaginable. Modern snacks are the tastebud equivalent of a microprocessor shrinking from a full room to a postage stamp. Our blandest potato chip would have wars fought over it in the past.
So I’m here to nominate five additional treats that would flatline one of those big-hatted fucks…
The issue here isn’t the advancement of any individual piece or flavor, but the sheer number of things consumed at once. A pilgrim mouth was not designed to experience such discord within a single bite. For them, chewing on both potato and meat simultaneously was a panic-worthy sin. To bite into a single self-contained item and experience meat, cheese, sauce, beans, chip, tortilla et al in the space of a few seconds would send them into fight-or-flight mode. They’d try to swallow it immediately to cease the unrest occurring in their mouth, and be found dead with a mass of black beans blocking their thin little pilgrim windpipe.
Ben & Jerry’s
If the amalgamation of savory pleasure that is a Crunchwrap would send a Plymouth native to the shadow realm, imagine what the same thing, combined with the miracle of modern ice cream could do. A simple chocolate chip cookie dough would be capable of launching opium-like pleasure dens. One of their more outlandish, overstuffed flavors? If a tub of Tonight Dough fell through a wormhole, it would probably be considered alien technology, or at least some sort of ambrosia accidentally knocked from the clouds by a god. One bite and they’d be writhing on the ground, all bodily functions firing, hallucinating the mysterious face of Jimmy Fallon from the container as if they were communing with an elder god.
There’s not much explanation needed here, given that even for a modern man, consuming a Bang Energy or similar pre-workout feels like flipping the nitrous switch on your heart. I’m not even sure if you’re allowed to have one if you have a pacemaker. Pour that down a pilgrim gullet, and their heart is toast. What are those things even supposed to operate at, 10-12 beats per minute? They’d take a gulp and a second later, shoot a stream of atomized blood from their mouth like they just got hit by a samurai’s secret technique.
Speaking of samurai, unlike their iconic katana, the idea of sending Tylenol PM back in time is a double-edged sword. On one hand, the medical technology contained within a single Liqui-Gel would seem to provide enough knowledge to single-handedly drop mortality rates. Unfortunately, I fear our modern potions are too strong for these travelers. The chemistry that sends us off into restful, recuperative sleep would probably send them into a coma. NyQuil would be considered one of the world’s deadliest poisons. Assassins would carry tiny bottles of sweet red liquid, and kings would bid farewell to their loved ones as their ancient veins attempted to circulate 500 milligrams of acetaminophen.
All of Hot Ones
One hot wing would end a bloodline, much less 10 in succession. If the idea for Hot Ones was conceived in the 17th century, it would be something only performed in the deepest cell of the Tower of London. Men would beg for the rack rather than face the series of morsels laid out for them by a hulking, hooded man in the depths of a secret prison. They would probably use it to execute witches.
Eli Yudin is a stand-up comedian in Brooklyn. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @eliyudin and listen to his podcast, What A Time to Be Alive, about the five weirdest news stories of the week, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever else you get your podcasts.