22 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 7, 2023

‘My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that’
22 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 7, 2023

You know what they say: Jokes make the world go round. That’s why we rounded up some of our favorites for you, because if the Earth stopped turning, it would be disastrous. Have you ever felt what it’s like to go 1,000 miles per hour and then suddenly stop? Well, you don’t want to. You’re welcome.

Mike Birbiglia on Fame

“I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who’ve been gone from America for so long they didn’t realize that I’m not famous.”

Mitch Hedberg on Escalators

“I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign. Only an ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the convenience.’”

Greg Giraldo on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine’s Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife, but now everyone’s like, ‘Oh, Happy Valentine’s Day!’ I even got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!”

Jenny Zigrino on Mommy Issues

“Isn’t it weird how when girls have mommy issues, we just hate ourselves, and when guys have mommy issues, they eat people?”

Stewart Francis on Vengeance

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’”

Gary Delaney’s Wordplay

“I’ve just bought Spider-Man pajamas. I hope he likes them.”

Pat Regan on ‘Queer Eye’

“I love the show Queer Eye. I love how they kind of accost broken-down individual and say, ‘Hey, hey, hey, listen: We’re gonna help you, but what you need to know is that what matters is not how you look. What matters is how you feel. And how you feel is based on how you look, so we’re gonna teach you about under-eye stick.”

D.L. Hughley on the Police

“Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? ‘Maybe I did kill them people.’”

Ronny Chieng on the Internet

“The internet is making people f******g stupid. Like who knew all of human knowledge could make people dumber.”

Amy Miller on Life in Canada

“I was just in Canada, and I asked that question, ‘Did anybody grow up in church?’ Silence. They were like, ‘Oh! Oh, no, we don’t need religion, we have health care.”

Paul F. Tompkins on Parenting

“Let’s say you know 100 percent beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”

George Carlin on Honesty

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

Niles Abston on OnlyFans

“Your mom always told you don’t grocery shop while you hungry — don’t be scrolling on OnlyFans while you horny, dawg. I was on that s*** down bad a couple weeks ago, bought the same video twice.”

Lavell Crawford on Ghosts

“That would get on my damn nerve: I’m up in my house; the ghost’s like, ‘Get out. Get out.’ I say, ‘I heard you, you son of a b*tch. Why you didn’t say that sh*t when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this sh*t, and you pay for the U-Haul.’”

Scott Seiss on Wiping After You Pee

“Why don’t men wipe? Men, you don’t want to get the urine off your bodies? Off your clothes? What do you do? What do you do after you’re done peeing? Shake! The shake’s not good. The shake is just getting pee in more places.”

John Mulaney on Old-Time Murder

“It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. What was a murder investigation like in 1935? One cop would just walk in and be like, ‘Detective, we found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway.’ And he would just be like, ‘Gross.’”

Sam Morril on Online Hate

“On Facebook, this Austrian guy is like, ‘Do you wanna join my hate group?’ I was like, ‘Who do you hate?’ He was like, ‘Blacks, Jews, everyone.’ And I am Jewish. He’s not even doing background checks.”

Jimmy O. Yang on Representation

Representation matters, man. A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice. They’re like, ‘Jimmy, thank you for representing the Asians.’ I’m like, ‘Eh, you’re welcome. But you do understand, it’s not really a choice, right?’ Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians. I couldn’t just wake up one day and be like, f*ck it, I’m representing Nigerians today.”

Julia Shiplett on Warmongering Gossipmongers

“You know who I think must have been the biggest gossips of all time? Famous historical military leaders — Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Alexander the Great. You gotta be in other people’s business to brutally build an empire. Think about it. Really, all those guys did all day was be like, ‘What are those boys doing over there? Let’s find out.’ ‘You have news from the mountain? Give it to me.’”

Demetri Martin on Exit Doors

“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said, ‘I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent.’”

Jamie Wolf on the Insecurity of Rappers

“Rappers are so lame. What makes you cool is not caring what other people think about you. You can just tell by the songs that they want you to think they’re cool ‘cause they’re like, ‘I get money, and I get bitches, and I get money, and I get bitches.’ And I’m just sitting at home like, ‘I never said you didn’t.’”

Nore Davis on Turning into Your Parents

“I’m starting to sound like my mom. Like, I remember anything in the news with Michael Jackson, she would defend him, like, ‘You know what? I like Michael with the big nose. Michael with the big nose and the Afro and the bell bottoms? That’s the only Michael Jackson I know.’ I say the same thing, just for Kanye West: ‘You know, Yeezy with the Louis Vuitton book bag? And the braces? That’s my Yeezy. That’s the only Yeezy I know.’”

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