5 Things That Are Illegal to Own, But I Sure Would Like to Possess Anyway
According to our national anthem, America is supposed to be the land of the free. Yet there are still laws here, which doesn’t make any sense. I understand that it’s probably in pursuit of everybody not committing murder and theft all the time, but it also feels like a deep infringement on my personal freedoms. Most infuriatingly, there are still plenty of laws that dictate what you’re able to own. Even if you promise really, really hard that you’re never going to use it for any bad stuff!
What I spend my hard-earned paychecks on is none of your business, “the government.” So why don’t you keep your snout out of my hoo-hah and stop worrying about what sort of stuff I’ve got in my garage? It’s the American dream to put in a hard day’s work in order to purchase cool shit on the internet, and you’re stomping on my dream like a winemaker on grapes. I’m asking you sincerely with every fiber of my being: let me have that.
Here are five things that are illegal to own, but I sure would like to possess anyway...
Look, I understand why you wouldn’t want a bunch of pairs of brass knuckles floating around. It’s bad enough dealing with the aftermath of a street fight without everyone using metal-coated fists. I certainly am in no hurry to get my teeth vacated by a hunk of steel after stealing someone’s Trader Joe’s parking spot.
However, the fact remains that they’re cool as shit. I’m not out here trying to knock anyone’s block off, I’d just like to be able to carry them in my back jeans pocket and feel like an old greaser. I want to be able to spin them on my desk at work and absentmindedly put them on and take them off while I’m bored waiting in line at the DMV or wherever. And yet, because of some bad apples that actually use them to fight, they’re illegal in large parts of the U.S.
The penguin is an incredible animal — and incredibly cute. They look like they’re wearing little tuxedos, and they waddle around like little feathered toddlers. This is adorable and charming, and it’s understandable why anyone would want to own one of these lovely little gentlemen. Yet, here again, comes Uncle Sam, storming in having an absolute shit-fit.
Just because “many of them are endangered” and “they need to exist in packs of at least 20 because they’re social animals” I can’t have one measly little penguin? Get real! Have you considered how nice I would be to it, and how many slides I would purchase for my little guy? They’re not going to be worried about whether or not 19 other penguins are around when they’re wearing some cool sunglasses I bought them!
We all want to be buff and sexy, but to do so requires an incredibly annoying amount of effort. You have to not only sign up for but actually visit a gym, stop eating dumplings in front of the fridge at 2 a.m…. the list of things you CAN’T do is seemingly endless. If only there were some sort of secret buff juice that you could inject into your ass to avoid all that. Oh, there is? Well, sign me up for a couple gallons before beach season!
Not so fast: Once again, the suffocating grip of the government descends on our collective neck, deciding whether or not we get to have a six-pack and be covered in scary veins. They’re saying that steroids are dangerous and harmful, but how is something that makes me stronger bad for me? I think we all know the real reason that the government made steroids illegal: to keep us weak. They know that if the proletariat was super yoked, they’d never be able to control us. We’d head straight to Washington, D.C. and bench press the Supreme Court justices. Chill out and let me be ripped as shit!
Look, I understand why it has to be illegal for me to use counterfeit money. I mean, I sort of do. Money isn’t real and inflation is already terrible, so I feel like if I wanted to buy a bunch of electronics with photocopies, it would be mostly fine. But for the purpose of this article, let’s say that I do understand why it’s so bad.
The problem is, the process of actually making counterfeit money seems very, very cool. Again, I say to the government’s googlers: I’m not gonna. But does it seem like a deep and rewarding hobby? I would say yes. I just feel like perfecting the design, figuring out ways to ape the security measures, getting the paper to feel just right… it all seems massively rewarding. I’m not looking to actually produce and distribute counterfeit money, I just want to know the feeling of proudly holding up my first perfect fake $20 bill.
A Little Homunculus
So far, we’ve been discussing the laws of man. The final entry on this list, however, relates to the laws of nature. We all know the inherent risks in playing God. Being smote by lightning, creating a monster, getting chained to some sort of fiery wheel for eternity, etc. Even knowing all that, though, I cannot tell you how much I wish that I could make a tiny little man to live and dance on my desk.
Should a simple, flawed man have the power to create life? Probably not. Do I still deeply, want the ability to make a little guy that could wear a pen cap as a hat? God, yes.