Ever since we domesticated wild animals and bred ninety-nine percent of the free will clear out of their little brains, pets have been a central part of the human experience. Whether serving as home security, hunting assistance, or simply a very ill french bulldog farting on your couch, animal companions have been a key part of civilization throughout history. Especially in today’s lonely world, having a small, dumb animal that lives in your home brings great emotional peace to humans the world over. The pandemic only exacerbated this, with a huge spike in animal adoption occurring during this recent era of solitude.

However, because the government is obsessed with rules, you can’t have just ANY animal as a pet. In fact, there are laws on the books across the U.S. that are stifling my and your freedom to own anything we’re smart enough to trap in our house or apartment. Here’s 15 pets that are illegal to own in some or all states, and why I should be allowed to have one anyways. And DON'T tell me to buy a zoo! Not all of us have Matt Damon money, ok?

Bats

Pixabay

Nobody tell Dracula! Just kidding. He doesn’t live in the United States. But I think the sharp-toothed sucker and I would agree that I should absolutely be able to have a bat in my apartment. We wouldn’t even have to share that much space, because I live on the floor and bats hang out on the ceiling. That effectively DOUBLES my apartment’s square footage. Plus it would be easy to feed: all you have to do is leave dishes in your sink too long, and kablammo, fruit fly fiesta, ripe for the eating.

Cheetahs

Pixabay

So cats are totally legal, but big fast cats aren’t? That just doesn’t make logical sense, man. What’s the difference between me not being able to catch a regular cat and me REALLY not being able to catch a cheetah? Plus, I live in a small apartment, so it wouldn’t even be really able to get up to top speed anyways. I think I should be able to own a cheetah just to feed it Cheetos, as a bit. Not the Flamin’ Hot ones, even I realize that would be f**ked up.

Slow Loris

Aprisonsan/Wikipedia

Look how cute this little guy is! And unlike the cheetah, there’s no way this thing is getting away from me, so that’s not a problem. There’s a reason you never hear about a runaway sloth. But despite all this, the government still says that it’s illegal to own a slow loris, because of them having some sort of “venomous claw” that is “capable of killing a human.” I’ll just put like, a cork or some duct tape over it. Problem solved.

Monkeys

Pixabay

This is perhaps the cruelest of them all. Monkeys are the perfect pet, because they’re like a hairy little roommate that doesn’t eat all your yogurt or use your shampoo. Maybe that’s the way around this one. It’s illegal to own a monkey as a pet most places, but what if he’s on the lease? What then, animal cops? He signed it with a pen in his OWN mouth. How about you worry about your own ceiling fixtures, and leave Bubbles Jr. alone?

Zebras

Pixabay

Explain to me why I CAN own a horse, but I CAN’T own a zebra. This is just a flawed argument from the get-go. If I paint stripes on a dog, is THAT illegal now too? Plus, zebras would probably be pumped to live in the U.S. because there’s way less lions here, and like ninety percent of the videos of zebras I’ve seen end up with them getting their internal organs dumped out on some savannah. Sure, I could dye the zebra black all over and just TELL people it’s a horse, but then neither I or the zebra are being honest about who we really are.

Falcons

Pixabay

So technically, you ARE allowed to own a falcon, but you have to be “a certified falconer.” Look man, I’ve been out of college for 10 years. I’m not doing any more homework, especially about birds. Just let me buy a big glove and one of those bird masks and I’ll figure the rest out. New York currently has a big rat problem and I think it’s MAINLY because our sniveling government has their grubby little fingers in the raptor trade.

Squirrels

Pixabay

These things are f**cking everywhere but I bring one through a doorway and now I’m a criminal? Honestly, I don’t even need to buy one. All I need is a couple acorns, a fine-mesh net, and for people to stay out of my business, and now I’ve got a climby little friend. I’ll turn one of my cabinets into a little squirrel house and now it’s like they have their own little apartment in MY apartment. I could make him a little mailbox and everything, and put little fake letters in it… I’m getting so mad I can’t have one I just had to walk around the block.

Mongooses

Pixabay

Mongeese? I’m not sure how to pluralize it, but I know I should be allowed to have one. I rode a Mongoose bike as a kid so they’re very important to me emotionally. They’re basically ferrets that know mixed martial arts, and probably don’t smell nearly as bad or fill cardboard tubes with piss. Plus, they kill snakes. I don’t have any snakes in my apartment RIGHT NOW, but letting me own a mongoose would make sure it stays that way.

Penguins

Pixabay

If you don’t cook a lot at home, chances are you’re already swimming in free fridge space. But, because of government overreach, you can never tuck a chilly little friend in next to your Bud Lights and chinese leftovers. All I have to do is put a porthole into my fridge door so he doesn’t feel claustrophobic and crank my A/C every time the little guy wants to stretch his flippers, and we’re good to go. 

Capybaras

Pixabay

I don’t even know what these things do, outside of sometimes float around in hot springs with little citrus fruits, and that’s something I’d like to witness personally. Watch me draw my brand new capybara a nice hot bath and drop in some tangerines for him to knock around and tell me this isn’t an arrangement that works for the both of us.

Bears

Pixabay

Ok, this one does seem a little scary, but I should still be allowed.

Skunks

Pixabay

What my apartment smells like is between me and God and sometimes my landlord. I’m the only one who lives in here, and if I’m willing to have it filled to the brim with stinky green cartoon Pepe Le Pew toots, that’s my prerogative. Plus, Looney Tunes already taught me the basics of skunk ownership. I just have to make sure no cats get a stripe painted on them by a road construction crew.

Red Pandas

Pixabay

So what if they’re “critically endangered”? I’ll tell you one red panda that wouldn’t be critically endangered: the one that’s my best friend and lives in a little tower next to my TV. I would keep him safe AND I would buy him a little t-shirt. Honestly, it would be a good way to hedge your bets against extinction, because even if all the other ones get killed by poachers or climate change or whatever, at least you know there’s one backup red panda that’s sitting on my couch and watching the Blacklist with me.

Kangaroos

Pixabay

A lifelong companion AND extra storage space? Sign me up, sir. I could keep all my important documents like my passport and my social security card in their pouch, and that way if anyone tries to steal my identity they’re getting two fat paw punches to the piehole.

Koalas

Pixabay

Look, it can’t be THAT hard to get hold of some eucalyptus. If reptile freaks can buy boxes of live crickets, I’m sure I could get some dumb branches off Alibaba or whatever. Honestly, I’ll just get a big pot and grow a couple shoots of my own, and then they’d also have a place to hang out. When I go to work I’ll throw on Crocodile Dundee for them and they can chill out and munch away. Well, I work from home but lucky for my new koala, I watch Crocodile Dundee every day anyways!

Do you have a favorite animal that you should definitely be allowed to own and pet except that the government is infringing on your freedoms? Let us know in the comments below!

Top Image: Pixabay/Pexels

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