5 of the Objectively Stinkiest Humans to Ever Walk the Earth
I think that most people, at some point in their life, have been terrified that they might, without knowing it, be overwhelmingly stinky. It may be poor time management coupled with a particularly moist workout or a realization that the bottom of their shoe has noticeably increased in dog-shit content, but it’s not a great feeling. On the other hand, some people apparently are perfectly happy to ooze out an eye-watering aroma willy-nilly and let everybody else’s nose worry about it.
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Here are five people who famously stunk to high heaven…
Rasputin
If you’re famous for basically being a weird Russian wizard, it would ruin your whole vibe to smell like flowers or fresh linens. Rasputin, the Mad Monk, apparently had a stench that was as disquieting as his interest in the occult. Combine his poor hygiene habits with his love of constant sexual activity and heavy drinking, and you get a whiff of probably something like a dive bar that had just doubled as a porn set.
His particular smell wasn’t unremarked upon by those who met him, either. A French ambassador described him as having a strong animal smell, like a goat. Very on-brand for a man known for black magic, not an ideal bus-seat neighbor, though. But hey, maybe it just stacked a little extra interest on top of his mystique, as his cleanliness didn’t stop him from procuring a seat of power in the court of the last Romanovs.
Stubbins Ffirth
He might sound like a jolly little Lord of the Rings character, but Stubbins Ffirth was actually a doctor from the past, who more than proved his dedication to the study of medicine. This is back in 1802, which means that medicine was a whole lot more style and less substance. Though in Ffirth’s case, it did include a disgusting combination of bodily substances.
He was doing research on how yellow fever was spread, and, probably guessing correctly that volunteers weren’t about to line up for this study at any price, he was his own primary test subject. What did the tests consist of? Well, of Stubbins rubbing basically any and every liquid that came out of a yellow fever patient all over himself, into his eyes and into open wounds he’d made. His list of ingredients spanned everything from a patient’s black vomit to their piss and bile, meaning his lab must have smelled crazy. He couldn’t have smelled particularly peachy either. After all, some things don’t shower off.
Season Four Eric Andre
Adult Swim
Notoriously weird man Eric Andre is known for chaos, especially when it comes to his talk show, The Eric Andre Show. Anyone who’s watched it knows that there’s constantly an entire landscape of upsetting things happening on many levels. Apparently, that extended to a sense that doesn’t translate to TV: smell. For Season Four of the show, Andre completely stopped showering, probably to the dismay of anyone who drove him anywhere.
And to prove that pain can be created in a variety of ways, he went the absolute reverse direction for Season Five, where he reportedly covered himself in Axe body spray and cheap cologne. Anybody whose eyes have welled up walking by an over-sauced Abercrombie & Fitch store at the mall knows exactly how powerful that can be in its own right. The whole set probably smelled like a bathroom that an entire high school of boys used to get ready for prom.
The Lady Who Spent 500 Days in a Cave
Another feat of remarkable shower avoidance was achieved recently, though simply as a side effect from a separate experiment. A woman named Beatriz Flamini spent 500 straight days in a cave with no outside contact, and obviously, no shower. The purpose of the experiment, for which she volunteered, was to study the physical and psychological effects of extended isolation, but it also likely had the effect of cooking up a pretty good stink.
We don’t have any actual evidence or reporting of Beatriz’ odor upon exit, but we can assume that, based on her desire for a shower, and reports that the cave was swarmed with flies, it wasn’t all sandalwood and lavender. Sure, lugging a whole generator in there just to operate a Glade Plug-In probably isn’t worth the squeeze, but it might have made cracking open that particular cavern 500 days later a bit more pleasant. I guess she could have burned incense, but then it would smell like incense in there, and honestly, which is worse?
Le Petomane
Last on the list is a man who, as far as I can tell, smelled completely fine. The olfactory assault in this particular case came from what he produced at his job. His job being a professional farter, who apparently could fart on command, which he turned into fame so effectively that Steve-O would be left marveling. Le Petomane had a remarkable anatomy that allowed him to basically inhale air into his butt and then expel it out.
This wasn’t low-class stuff either. Le Petomane was a premier performer at the real Moulin Rouge club. And to be fair, apparently he killed, with people literally passing out from laughter at his shows while he — and this is not a fun bit of imagination — played an ocarina with his ass. He reportedly gave himself enemas before each performance, so there’s a chance the performances weren’t quite as piquant as you’d think, but I still can’t imagine the theater smelled particularly pleasant afterwards.
