The Meanest, Dirtiest and Most Offensive Jokes Gilbert Gottfried Ever Told at a Comedy Central Roast
Sure, Jeffrey Ross might more often than not be the official Roastmaster General of the Comedy Central Roasts, but it’s hard not to think of Gilbert Gottfried as its unofficial maestro. In fact, his lines at these roasts were the stuff of comedy legend — and as filthy, mean-spirited and offensive as ever. Provided you’re not among the fainthearted, see how he unmercifully took apart the celebrity targets below…
“You know, I’ve always heard that David Hasselhoff has sold millions in Germany. But like a lot of stories out of Germany, those numbers are probably inflated, if not a complete hoax.”
“Brad Garrett walks into a bathroom. He sees a leprechaun taking a piss. He grabs the leprechaun and says, ‘I’ve caught you. Now you have to grant me a wish. I want a hit sitcom on Fox.’ The little fellow says, ‘For that, you’ll have to let me screw you in the ass.’ Next thing you know, he’s banging away at Brad Garrett’s gritty bunghole. And Brad says, ‘I can’t believe I’m letting a leprechaun fuck me in the ass.’ Then Mario Cantone says, ‘I can’t believe you thought I was a leprechaun.’”
“Take it easy on Seth. It’s gotta be hard for him to do a roast, especially because The Simpsons haven’t done it yet. If only The Simpsons would wipe its ass in front of Seth MacFarlane, he could learn to do it, too. But sadly, Seth MacFarlane’s bulky ass is caked in layers of unwiped excrement and shame because The Simpsons haven’t done it yet.”
“Pam Anderson is walking on a beach. She stumbles upon a magic lamp. She rubs the lamp, a genie pops out. And the genie says, ‘I’m here to grant you one wish.’ Pam says, ‘I want you to make V.I.P. the hit show it should have been.’ The genie says, ‘Even with all my power I can’t do that. Can I grant you a different wish?’ So Pam says, ‘Okay, can you make my vagina tight again?’
“And the genie says, ‘Let me take another look at V.I.P.’”
“Carrie Fisher, thank you for visiting us from the past. When Comedy Central looked at this stage, they said, ‘We just don’t have enough washed-up, repugnant, drug-addicted, menopausal has-beens. Get me Carrie Fisher.’”
“Tonight, we honor a monster in the entertainment industry. And like most monsters, she goes by one name. And that name is Rozilla. Rozilla: She’s been described as being covered with a thick layer of scaly gray skin, emitting a strong disgusting odor of taco grease and ass cheese. Her sharp yellow teeth can take a man’s arm off in one bite if you’re foolish enough to try and feed the beast her mountain of pork cracklings and one Slim-Fast candy bar.
“Rozilla! Stomping through Hollywood for decades, breathing fire from her hairy snout burning bridge after bridge. Her glowing red eyes striking terror in the heart of anyone unfortunate enough to look in her hideous face. Her gnarled cow-like hooves crushing and destroying everything in her path. Stopping only to feed every 10 minutes, and make one sitcom decades ago. Her rolls of fat swaying and crashing like a Japanese tsunami.
“Tonight, it’s our chance to end the reign of Rozilla forever. And don’t forget about the tail. Powerful enough to sweep an entire ox into her throbbing colon. People always forget about the tail. They say, let’s get Rozilla. I say, but what about the tail? They never remember the tail. Those people have paid the ultimate price. And if all else fails, remember good people. Blame it on the Jews.”
“There’s been a lot of speculation tonight about Joan Rivers’ vagina. How old is it? How dry is it? How many men died during its construction? Well, good people, I have had sex with Joan Rivers, and I can tell you from experience that her much-maligned vagina is, in fact, a glorious thing of unparalleled beauty. It was early in my career, I walked into the green room at Catch a Rising Star. Who do I see? The great Joan Rivers. At this point in my life I’d already had sexual congress with dozens of Joan Rivers impersonators, and most were total gentlemen, like Mr. Mario Cantone…”
His Infamous 9/11 Joke
During his set at The Friars Club Roast of Hugh Hefner, which took place in New York 18 days after 9/11: “I have to catch a flight to California. I can’t get a direct flight, they said they have to stop at the Empire State Building first.”
After the horrific response he got for the 9/11 joke, or as Gottfried himself said in an interview, “I lost an audience bigger than anybody has ever lost an audience.” And figuring that he couldn’t dig himself into any deeper of a hole, he busted out his version of the classic Aristocrats joke that lasted nearly 10 minutes.
Unfortunately, footage of the joke in its entirety has never seen the light of day (this version was recorded elsewhere). Comedy Central edited out the 9/11 joke and a large chunk of the Aristocrats joke from the broadcast, and negotiated to sell the rights to the footage of the bit to Gottfried, which he ultimately decided against releasing. But the legend of his version of the joke that night lived on, and became one of the most requested jokes at his shows for years.